(This happened in 2017 when those scam callers claiming to be the IRS were calling people about unpaid taxes. They tried to pull it on me and this is how it turned out.)

Scammer: “Hello, I’m calling for [My Name].”

Me: “One moment, please.”

Scammer: “Okay.”

Me: *starts playing a scene from the 90’s movie “Good Burger”* “Look out; he’s loose!” “Goodness gracious! He’s killing Sydney!” *crashing noise*

Scammer: “Sir, is everything all right?”

Me: *panting like I’m out of breath* “Yeah, just another day at the psych ward. Now, you were saying?”

Scammer: *hangs up*

(The high school I went to is the same one most of my family attended (dad, seven uncles, sister, brother, and too many cousins to count). I am one of the youngest out of all the kids with my sister being almost fifteen years older, and my brother who is nine. This happens at the meeting with our year advisor on the first day of year seven. When year twelves have their muck up day (where they play pranks) they always do something to raise money for charity with the principal’s permission.)

Year Advisor: *calling the role* “[My First and Last Name].”

Me: “Here.”

Year Advisor: “Oh, god, not another one. Which one of the [Last Name] do you belong to?”

Me: “[Dad].”

Year Advisor: “Oh, great Your dad blew up the science block, your sister kidnapped the principal, and your brother stole [History Teacher]’s car and drove it into the swimming pool, which is the reason we no longer have a pool. What trouble are you going to get into?”

(I’m too shocked to answer as I knew nothing about any of this and thankfully he moves on.)

Classmate: “What the h***? Who are you?”

(It turned out that the year 12 prank for my sister’s year was to hold the principal for $10,000 ransom which local businesses and people paid and it went to a local charity. They actually raised over $20,000! My brother had gotten permission to borrow the teacher’s car when needed, hadn’t told him that he was taking it, and had accidentally driven it into the pool (I never did get the full story). But no one would tell me exactly how my dad managed to blow up the whole science block. They were probably scared I’d do the same thing.)

There’s an animal shelter we used to frequent a few blocks away from my house. The place had a prominent blackboard in the entrance announcing any upcoming events that might interest people, like adoption days or charity drives.

One day, however, when I arrived, I advised one of the employees to do something about the new announcement. It read, in big letters, “Adoption Saturday,” but underneath that, someone had written, in smaller letters, “Yummy meat pies on Sunday!”

(I get a call from a scammer. I realise it because there is a period of dead time when I first answer the call.)

Me: “Hello.” *hears nothing* “Hello? Hello?”

(There’s a click, and instantly there’s a lot of background noise consisting of a number of people talking.)

Scammer: “Hello, is that Mrs. [Surname]?”

Me: “Hello? Hello? I can’t hear anything; is someone there?”

Scammer: “Yes, I’m here, calling you from Microsoft.”

Me: “Is someone there? I can’t hear anything”

Scammer: *louder* “Can you hear me now?”

Me: “No, I can’t hear you.”

(He hung up for some reason.)

(My coworker has had the hiccups for about half an hour. I am the manager. She walks past the office towards the restroom, and I get an idea.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], hold on. I need you to sign this; your register was over $200 short yesterday.”

Coworker: *jaw drops* “Are you f****** kidding me?!”

Me: *pause* “Are you still hiccupping?”

Coworker: “I hate you.”