April Feuds

, , , , | Romantic | May 1, 2013

(My boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months. In those nine months, we have ‘split up’ six times, in what we call our customary three-day fights. It is when we fight, say it’s over, don’t talk for three days, then we’re fine. We’ve gone our longest spurt without splitting, as we’ve been working on it. It’s April Fool’s Day, and I have a feeling leading up to it that he will pull a fake breakup. His biggest worry is me getting pregnant, even though my tubes are tied. He texts me in the morning.)

Boyfriend: “So, we need to talk.”

Me: “Yeah?”

Boyfriend: “You know what this is. I can’t do this anymore. I love you, but I can’t be in a relationship.”

(I text him a picture of three positive pregnancy tests.)

Me: “You have impeccable timing.”

Boyfriend: “That was a b**** move; LMAO.”

Me: “Fake break up with me; I’ll fake be pregnant.”

Boyfriend: “I was going to drag this out all day and call you at 11:59 tonight to tell you ‘April Fool’s’.”

Me: “And yet, it lasted all of three minutes. Ha! I call that a win.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, yeah. Tiger’s blood. Rub it in.”

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, , , , | Related | November 13, 2012

(My sister is a great cook, but very ditzy. She has just put the turkey in the oven for Thanksgiving. My mother is a great prankster.)

Mom: *to my sister* “Honey, we’re out of chicken broth. Can you run to the store and grab some more?”

Sister: “Sure, Mom.”

(She leaves.)

Mom: *opening the oven and taking the turkey out* “Open the fridge, hun.”

Me: *opening the fridge* “Why? What are you doing?”

Mom: “Just check the crisper drawer.”

Me: *pulls out a Cornish game hen* “What?”

Mom: “Here, season it.”

(I do as she says. My mother slides it inside the turkey’s cavity, and sticks it back in the oven. I start to get a sense of what she’s doing. Later, my sister is carving the turkey before the extended family.)

Sister: “Ohmigod!” *tugs out the Cornish game hen*

Mom: “You’ve cooked a pregnant turkey!”

Sister: “Ohmigod!” *bursts out sobbing*

(It took us a half hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!)

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The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3

, , , , , , | Right | May 20, 2011

Customer: “Hello, do you have any of the new Twilight books?”

Me: “Yes, they’re over here.”

(I lead her to where they would be, but we appear to be sold out. This is strange as all copies were put up this morning.)

Me: “That’s strange. We seem to be out of stock. Can I interest you in anything else?”

Customer: “Ugh, fine. What about this one?”

(They point towards ‘Harry Potter’.)

Me: “Oh, that’s a great book! It’s about a boy who becomes a wizard and-”

Customer: “Are there any werewolves?”

Me: “I think so. I haven’t read them in a while.”

(The customer grabs the entire series of ‘Harry Potter’ and leaves. As I’m about to return to my workstation, two teens run up to me, high-five each other, and tell me they hid all seventy copies of ‘Twilight’ in the ceiling when no one was looking. Although impressed, I have to report them to my manager. After doing so, my manager gives them each a $10 gift card.)

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Impractical Jokes

, , , , | Right | May 10, 2011

Me: “911, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes?! Hello! I live at [Location]. My husband was stabbed by a madman! Oh, god! He’s outside my bedroom door! He’s knocking on it!”

Me: “All right, ma’am, a police–”

Caller: “What?!”

(Suddenly, there is a lot of talking and a bit of laughing.)

Caller: *to someone else* “You f***! You scared the s*** out of me! A prank?! I called the d*** police! I could have gone to jail!” *to me* “I’m sorry, ma’am. It’s a false alarm.”

Me: “Um, all right.”

Caller: “Actually, send over a cop car. I’m about to murder two men.”

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(Dead) Wrong Number

, , , , , | Right | February 21, 2011

(We have received dry cleaning, so I call a guest to let him know he can pick it up.)

Guest: “Steven’s Mortuary: You stab ’em, we slab ’em.”

Me: “Oh… hello. This is the front desk. I was just calling to let you know your dry cleaning is here.”

Guest: “Oh! Sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

Me: “That’s okay, sir. That was the most interesting call I’ve had all day.”

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