Ordering A Cake For Admiral Longsword

, , , , , , | Right | November 17, 2019

(I pick up the phone and get treated to this conversation:)

Me: “[Bakery]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah, my friends and I wanted to order a sheet cake for our buddies who are coming back from serving overseas in the army.”

Me: “All right, let me just get some information from you.”

(I ask him for details about what kind of cake he wants and he answers.)

Customer: “And you can write a message on the cake, right?”

Me: “Yeah. What do you want it to say?”

Customer: “Okay, we want it to say, ‘Thanks for standing tall and proud…'”

(I think I can hear him snickering slightly, which confuses me.)

Customer: “‘Your long, hard ordeal is finally over.'”

(Now, I can hear other people in the background trying to stifle laughter.)

Customer: “And then we… And then we want their names written on it.”

Me: *not buying it anymore* “Uh-huh.”

Customer: “Staff Sergeant Rod Johnson, Private Jimmy Wang, Rifleman Dick Peters, Gunner’s Mate Willy Cox.”

(The guy on the phone and his buddies were all cracking up.)

Me: “Aren’t you forgetting Schmuck Phallusworth? Or is that who I’m speaking to?”

(Bellows of outrageous laughter erupted from the phone before I hung up.)

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I’m Calling The Police: No Joke

, , , , , | Legal Right | November 18, 2018

(I am serving late on a Monday night when who I assume is the friend of the man I am currently serving comes up by the counter and stares me dead in the eyes and without emotion.)

Customer’s Friend: “This is an armed robbery.”

Me: *stunned and internally panicking since this has never happened before*

Customer’s Friend: *long silence*

Me: *still stunned*

Customer’s Friend: “Ha! It’s a joke!”

(Who the h*** thinks that’s a joke is beyond me. I don’t want to be in retail anymore.)

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What A Dumpy Way To Do That

, , , , , , , | Romantic | July 21, 2018

(One of my long-term friends has a pretty unconventional way of doing things, and this unusual streak runs through every aspect of his life. He tells me this story about a conversation he had with his girlfriend at home.)

Friend: “[Girlfriend], we need to talk about something.”

Girlfriend: “Sure, what’s on your mind?”

Friend: “I don’t think I want you to be my girlfriend anymore.”

Girlfriend: “Sure, so what do you want to talk about?”

Friend: “I’m being serious; I don’t want you to be my girlfriend anymore.”

Girlfriend: “Er… what?”

Friend: “Yeah, I just felt it wasn’t working, so, yeah, we’re going to have to reevaluate things between us.”

Girlfriend: *getting pretty angry* “Are you even going to give me a reason? You can’t just stroll in and dump me and expect me to fine with it. Are you seeing someone else?”

Friend: “Not at all. I just don’t want you to be my girlfriend anymore…” *gets down on one knee and produces a ring* “… because I’d much rather have you as my fiancée, instead.”

Girlfriend: *in tears and borderline hysterical* “YOU A**HOLE! YES!”

(He then calmed her down and took her out to her favourite restaurant for a meal. I told him that the fact she didn’t at least backhand him for that is proof that they’re made for each other.)

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It’s A Good Prank, Make No Bones About It

, , , , , , | Related | January 26, 2018

I was 15, working my first job in a clothes shop. A coworker and I got high before a shift. It was just after Halloween and there were a few discounted costumes left.

One was a kids’ skeleton costume. My coworker dared me to try it on. While I was in the changing room, my mum, who was an assistant manager, took my clothes and hid them.

I spent half an hour looking for them before it got really busy and I had to spend the rest of my shift in a skeleton costume that didn’t fit.

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“It” Wasn’t Funny The First Time

, , , , , | Right | November 13, 2017

(“It” has been playing for the past week. One day, I get a call at the box office.)

Me: “Hi, thanks for calling [Theater]. How can I help you?”

Caller: *giggling* “Yeah, um… Do you have ‘It’?”

Me: “Yes, we do. Our next show-times are at noon, 3:00 pm, and 7:30 pm.”

Caller: *pause; annoyed* “You were supposed to ask me what ‘It’ was! It was a joke! I wanted to confuse you!”

Me: “Oh, I know. It’s just that we’ve gotten that exact same prank call about ten times a day for the past week and I’m trying not to waste time on them.”

Caller: *click*

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