(I’ve worked in UPS’s retail store for a little over two years now and I can say from experience that Christmas time is not the most wonderful time of the year. If you think people don’t understand anything normally, they understand even less when under the stress of the holidays. In the store, packages come in with either prepaid shipping labels given to the customer by the company itself or labels that we print out at the store that the customer has to pay for. I am the only employee in the store and am already stuck with a line of people.)

Customer #1: *puts small box on the counter* “The company told me I didn’t have to pay to ship this back.”

Me: “There isn’t a prepaid shipping label on here. Do you want me to give you a quote and see how much it would be to ship?”

Customer #1: “Are you serious? I was told this was free! How much is this going to cost me!?”

Me: “That’s going to be about $12 to ship back.”

Customer #1: “WHAT?! That’s ridiculous! I shouldn’t have to pay for this. The company told me it was free! How dare you people try to rip me off!”

(The woman proceeds to switch between yelling at me and mumbling to herself and refusing to pay so I try to help the customers behind her.)

Customer #1: *storms out but stops at the door and turns to me* “MERRY CHRISTMAS, B****!”

Me: *stares at her dumbfounded, and then just turns to help the next customer* “Uh.. I’m so sorry about that.”

Customer #2: “Oh, my god. All right, well, I need to ship these toys to [Location].”

Me: “Sure, no problem.” *finishes shipment and customer goes to leave*

Customer #2: “Merry Christmas, b****!”

Me: “Merry Christmas to you, too!”

(It is very close to Christmas. Not unexpectedly, the line-up for the post office is very long. The lady ahead of me has probably been waiting for at least 20 minutes by the time she reaches the counter.)

Lady: “How much to mail this package to [Province]?”

Clerk: “$3, ma’am. $5 if you want to be guaranteed that it will get there by Christmas.”

Lady: “$3? Are you serious? That’s more than the gift cost! Forget it!” *leaves*

(So, to recap: she spent less than $3 on someone’s Christmas present, waited in line for almost half-an-hour to mail it, but balked at a $3 mailing charge. I feel sorry for the would-be recipient!)

(I travel a lot and unfortunately have been getting sick a lot recently. I get a loud banging on my door, so I go check it and all I see is a pink slip from a delivery company that says, “vacant?” I go check my mail and there are three letters in there. A week later, I get the banging again and grab the door to see a postal worker standing there.)

Postal Worker: “You need to check your mail more! I thought you were vacant!”

Me: “I travel a lot, and I’ve recently been too sick to move. Usually I check it every other day.”

Postal Worker: “I don’t believe you! You have at least three weeks of mail piled up at the post office.”

Me: “Yeah, right. Also, you see that mezuzah on my door? Clear sign that it’s not vacant because Jews don’t leave a home without them. So, stop harassing me and give me the dumb slip so I can get my three weeks worth of junk mail!”

Postal Worker: “It’s in the mail box.” *he walks away*

Me: “No, it’s not! You were just writing it. I can see it in your hand!”

(No response.)

Me: “Fine! I’ll be there soon. I hope your coworkers got their flu shots!”

(I have to send a small package overseas to a friend. Unfortunately, the German postage system is somewhat difficult to understand because there are so many options and regulations of what size and what weight can be shipped with which postage, so I go to the counter to ask and become “that” confused customer, sadly.)

Me: “Hi! I want to ship this to the United States. It’s a ‘small parcel’ according to size, but it’s far below ‘small parcel’ regulations in terms of weight, so I don’t know what the postage would be. Also, the smallest parcel option is without tracking, so would I have to ‘upgrade’ to a larger parcel and pay more to get tracking?”

Postal Clerk: “Let me check.” *typing into his computer* “Actually, it seems like we can just ship this as an oversized letter. You’ll pay [lower price than I expected], and it comes with automatic tracking for overseas shipping.”

Me: “But it’s not a letter. It’s clearly a cardboard box. Won’t that cause trouble?”

Postal Clerk: “No, our system just scans the code; it doesn’t care about size.”

Me: “But there are postage regulations concerning size.”

Postal Clerk: “That’s just set as guidelines to ensure that shipping containers, vans, and such don’t get overloaded with large packages.”

Me: “Okay, sorry. I’m just worried it won’t be shipped, or it will get lost or something.”

Postal Clerk: “Of course. But watch this.”

(He prints the postage and puts it on my parcel. He then starts waving his hands above it in the way a magician might show off a trick, ending with, “Abracadabra!”)

Postal Clerk: “Tada! It is now… an oversized letter!“

(He made me laugh, saved me money, and made sure I got tracking. The package arrived perfectly on time in the US. Best post office visit ever!)

(I am three years old. Because I am young, my breasts are yet to develop, and young me is really worried about this. This conversation occurs on the way to the post office.)

Me: “Mommy, why are your nipples big and my nipples small?”

Mom: “Because you aren’t old enough.”

Me: “Will my nipples be big?”

Mom: “When you get older, yes.”

(Just then a fire truck passes us, and apparently this causes something to click in my young brain. We now arrive at the post office.)

Worker: *to me* “What would you like to be when you grow up? *is probably expecting some cutesy answer like “fairy” or “princess”*

Me: *proudly* “I want to be a fireman, with big nipples!”

(My mom burst out laughing, while the worker just stared at my mom as if she had just sprouted another head.)