(I currently work at a department store. I have just opened as a cashier, and I am doing one of my first few transactions when this happens.)

Customer: “So, do you guys have a veteran discount or a senior discount?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m sorry. Unfortunately, we do not have either of those discounts.”

Customer: “Oh, okay… What if I pretended to be an employee? Would that get me a discount?”

Me: “Um… No, sir, I’m sorry, but that would not get you a discount.”

(I continue checking him out, and I am almost done when…)

Customer: “So, pretending to be an employee, that’s not going to work for you? Wouldn’t get me a discount?”

Me: “No, sir, it will not.”

(I do sales support for several brands of small appliances. We can take credit cards over the phone but not cash, for obvious reasons. For some reason, I occasionally get some clown trying to pay cash over the phone. I have developed a way to deal with this, but this particular instance is a whole new level of stupid. I’m on a call with a customer. I’m just reaching the payment part of the transaction:)

Me: “…and how would you like to pay for this today? We can take credit card over the phone or you can pay in-store when you pick up the item.”

Customer: “I’d like to pay cash.”

Me: “Certainly, you can pay cash on pick-up at the store.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “No?”

Customer: “No. I want to pay cash now!”

(It’s going to be one of those calls. Sigh. Time to break out the secret weapon.)

Me: “Certainly, ma’am, if you could just hand me the cash.”

Customer: *silence*

(This usually forces them to figure it out on their own while seeming to be helpful. Most customers take about thirty seconds for it to click and then give up and pay by credit card or in-store. But…)

Customer: *satisfied* “Okay, there you go.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Do you have the money yet?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m afraid I cannot take cash over the phone.”

Customer: *irate* “What?! But you just said you could. I gave you my money! Give it back.”

(The customer started screaming and swearing that I’d taken her money. She demanded to talk to my supervisor, and I was only too happy to hand it off to him. My supervisor couldn’t make sense of it, either, but he eventually managed to calm the woman down enough to get her to come into a store location. A few days later, my supervisor relayed to me what the manager of the store had told him. Apparently, this middle-aged woman had come in shouting about us taking her money through the phone. When they asked her what she had done with the money, she opened up the case of her cell phone and, lo and behold, there was the money shoved into the case. How she thought her cell phone was going to transmit the money, I don’t know.)

(I’m the customer, arriving at my gym on New Year’s to cancel my membership because of scheduling issues. The employee is at the front desk helping a woman.)

Employee: “Welcome! Are you here for a tour?”

Me: “Uh, no… We’re here to cancel our membership.”

Woman: *looks shocked and bursts out laughing*

Employee: “Oh… uh…”

Me: “Our New Year resolution is to stop working out.”

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(My husband and I recently had our first child. My parents are in town to help. It’s worth noting that both hubby and I have dimples when we smile.)

Mother: *looking at my son* “He is so adorable. Look at these dimples. He got them from his dad. Such a beautiful boy.”

Me: “Are you sure that he got them from his dad and not mom?”

(The mother continues cooing over the baby. Two days later, my mother is looking at our photos above the fireplace.)

Mother: “Oh, you have dimples, too. Is it something new?”

Me: “Mother, I’ve had dimples my entire life. How did you manage to not notice them?”

Mother: “So, [Child] could have gotten the dimples from you? I thought that it was all his dad’s side… Are you sure that you’ve always had dimples?”

(I am in labor at the hospital. My midwife comes in to check how it is going and to feel the baby’s position for delivery. After feeling my belly she says:)

Midwife: “I cannot find the baby.”

Me: “Well, I am pretty sure that he didn’t come out yet, so he must be somewhere inside.”