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There’s Really Only One Place It Could Be…

, , , , , | Healthy | December 14, 2018

(I am in labor at the hospital. My midwife comes in to check how it is going and to feel the baby’s position for delivery. After feeling my belly she says:)

Midwife: “I cannot find the baby.”

Me: “Well, I am pretty sure that he didn’t come out yet, so he must be somewhere inside.”

Mass Decapitations Means It’s Christmas!

, , , , | Right | November 27, 2018

(I get a call from a lady who is very upset about some photos she sent to be printed.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “You ruined my Christmas! All of the photos I just ordered today have the heads cut off! I can’t use these as Christmas cards! I want a refund or a reprint!”

Me: “No problem. Let me look up your order real quick.” *looks up order* “I’m sorry, miss, but it seems you ordered these through our app or online. Unfortunately, if you want these to be cropped the way you want them, I’m going to need you to come into the store; we would be happy to redo them for free.”

Caller: “This is ridiculous! I don’t have time for this! I can’t believe you guys can’t do your f****** job!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but if that’s not something you would like, I’m sure my manager would be okay with us giving you a refund.”

Caller: “I don’t have time to come back to that store! I can’t believe you won’t remake them! This is ridiculous!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’d be happy to help you remake them or give you a refund. But for either one you have to be at our store.”

(After another five minutes of her screaming at me, I get my manager to talk to her.)

Manager: “Thank you for holding. How may I help you?”

(The lady is screaming through the phone the same things she has told me already.)

Manager: “I’m so sorry that this happened. I would be willing to help you remake them or give you a full refund if you come back in.”

(The lady on the phone is now screaming so loud I can hear from next to my manager.)

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but unfortunately, unless you’re present in our store, I can’t give you a refund or remake your photos.”

(This continues for a good ten minutes.)

Manager: “Ma’am, what would you like us to do for you?”

(The lady is still screaming something about how we can’t do our jobs correctly.)

Manager: “Ma’am, what would you like us to do for you? I’ve given you your two choices; if you’re not satisfied with that then I can give you our 1-800 number.”

(The lady continues to scream at her for not being helpful.)

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but if you’re going to continue to scream at me then I’m going to have to hang up. I’ve given you your two choices in what we can do for you. If you’re not satisfied, then you can call our 1-800 number and leave a complaint.”

(The lady continues to scream at her.)

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but that’s all I can do. I’m going to hang up now.”

(The lady continues to scream.)

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m going to hang up now. We hope to see you in soon. Have a good day.”

(The manager hangs up phone.)

Me: “Wow… she was not happy.”

Manager: “She said she was driving on her way to our store, anyway. Guess it wasn’t too much of an issue for her to come over. I’m just glad I don’t have to talk to her anymore.”

Massaging The Numbers

, , , , | Right | November 15, 2018

(Our massage chain requires a credit, debit, or gift card to hold the appointment if you don’t have a membership, as there is a charge for same-day cancellation.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I have you scheduled for [appointment details]. I just need to put a card on file to hold the appointment.”

Customer: “I don’t have a credit card.”

Me: “That’s fine; we can hold it with a debit card or a [Massage Chain] gift card.”

Customer: “My girlfriend has my debit card; she took it with her.”

Me: “Okay. Unfortunately, the system will only let me save the appointment for an hour without a card on file. Can you call her and get the number by then?”

Customer: “Oh, I have the card number. It’s [ten-digit number].”

Me: “Sir, I do need the rest of the card number. I can’t hold the appointment without it.”

Customer: “Okay, sorry. It’s [same ten-digit number].”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that isn’t a card number. I need the sixteen-digit number from the front of your card, and the expiration date.”

Customer: “I don’t have a credit card!”

Me: “That’s perfectly fine, sir. Your debit card will work.”

Customer: “But my girlfriend has the card! I have the account and routing number!”

(I know that some places can bill from the account, but our system doesn’t allow it. It will only accept a card number. Even knowing this, I check with my boss, who confirms that we cannot hold it with the account number.)

Me: “I’m sorry; the system won’t allow me to input that number. There just isn’t a field to type it in. I can only hold it with the card number, which I know your girlfriend has with her. You can call her to get the card number, or wait for her to get home and see if the appointment is still open.”

Customer: “I found it! Here the card number. It’s [same ten-digit number].”

Me: “Sir, I can’t use the account number. It just simply is not an option. Why don’t you call me back when you have the card number?”

(He calls back ten minutes later. There is now a regular customer in the lobby waiting for her appointment.)

Customer: “Okay, I have the card number. It’s [same ten-digit number, with six extra digits on the end].”

(I try to type it in, anyway, expecting it to not work.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that isn’t a valid card number.”

Customer: “It has sixteen digits! You said it needed sixteen digits!”

Me: “I did, but you can’t just take the account number and add digits to it; I need the whole card number from the front of the card.”

Customer: “But my girlfriend has the card!”

Me: “I understand that, sir, and I’ve tried to find several options that will work for you. It sounds like you just need to call me back once she gets home with the card.”

(I finally get him off the phone. The regular, who has tears in her eyes from laughing, comes up to the desk.)

Regular: “See, this is why I can’t work in customer service. I would have been swearing halfway through that call!”

One Person’s Outrageous Is Another Person’s Tuesday

, , , , , | Right | November 6, 2018

(I work in a popular chain coffee shop. We are located in a commercial area very popular with tourists and near several hotels, so we tend to be very busy, especially on weekend mornings. On this particular morning, we’ve received a higher than normal number of mobile orders and are a bit backed up. Most customers are understanding, but one woman who is standing with a friend near a regular customer of ours is clearly unhappy.)

Customer: “Oh, my God! I have never had to wait this long for a mobile order! I’m shocked!”

(The regular customer shoots her a dirty look but says nothing.)

Customer: “This is outrageous. I don’t believe this.”

(She continues complaining to her friend, the regular customer, and anyone else in earshot. No one answers her. Meanwhile, I finish making the regular’s drink and hand it to her.)

Me: “Here you go. Sorry about the extra wait!”

Regular: “It’s not a problem. Thanks!” *to the complaining customer* “You know that there are people that are dying, right? If waiting five minutes for your coffee is the worst thing that happens to you today, I’d call that a win.”

(The regular customer left and several people who were close enough to hear what she said snickered a little, including the complaining customer’s friend. The complaining customer was silent until she got her drink and left. I love my regulars.)

Something Tells Me She Never Would Have Been Happy

, , , , | Right | October 19, 2018

(A woman enters my store with a jug of stain and odor remover and a sour expression on her face.)

Customer: “My husband bought this, and I hate this brand. What else do you have?”

Me: “We have a couple of cleaners made by [Other Brand] but mostly we just carry the [Brand she already has] line.”

Customer: “You don’t have [list of several other brands]?”

Me: “No, just [Brands].”

Customer: “Well, I am very unhappy!”

Me: *still smiling even though I couldn’t care less if she’s happy or not* “If you’d like to return this, I can help you with that. Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No, my husband bought it! You can refund it or give me cash.”

(I check with my manager who is nearby and he comes over.)

Manager: “Unfortunately, since you don’t have a receipt, we can only do an exchange or give you a store credit.”

Customer: “But it has your store’s price sticker on it!”

(And for all we know, lady, you stole it from this store or our other location, and now you’re trying to return it for money you aren’t owed. Of course, neither of us says this out loud.)

Manager: “And we’d be happy to issue a store credit or do an exchange for you.”

(The customer grumbles, but looks around and finds other items to purchase. When she returns to the register, I’m assisting another customer who is filling out a form for our loyalty club, a process that takes a maximum of two minutes. Of course, the first customer rolls her eyes, sighs loudly, and taps her foot throughout the entire brief process. Once it’s her turn, I process the exchange as cheerfully as possible.)

Me: “Your total with the exchange is [amount]. Would you like to sign up for our free loyalty club today?”

Customer: “No! I won’t be shopping here.”

Manager: *still cheerful and smiling* “Thank you, ma’am. Have a good day!”

(Once she’s gone, he turns to me and says exactly what I’ve been thinking the whole time.)

Manager: “I would have made an exception and given her the refund if she hadn’t been such a b**** about it.”