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Shouldn’t Have Rented Conspiracy Theory

, , , , | Right | April 21, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [online movie rental]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m having a problem with my account. I think I may have uncovered a serious conspiracy to keep me from getting movies!”

Me: “That’s definitely not good. I’d love to take a look at your account. May I have your name please?”

Caller: “I’d better not give you my name. They may be listening now. I’d rather make this as anonymous as possible.”

Me: “That’s fine. What’s going on?”

Caller: “My postman will only pick up my movies every three days unless I put a dollar in each return envelope. I’m afraid you guys are paying them to do this!”

Me: “I can assure you we want you renting movies. That’s what we’re in business for. Have you tried returning your movies from another location?”

Caller: “When I do that, it takes even longer for them to get picked up! I’ve been staying up until midnight to put my movies in my mailbox so the postman can’t see. I was out last night, and I slipped on some wet leaves! I said to myself, ‘Why am I living like this?’ So, I thought I should call you.”

Me: “Sir, if you’re concerned your postman isn’t doing his job, I can get you a number for the mail customer care line.”

Caller: *whispering emphatically* “You don’t understand! He’s the only one and he has the only key! Look into the mailboxes! The only key! Beeeeee saaaaaaaafe!” *click*

Actually, There’s Probably An App For That, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | November 25, 2010

(An older gentleman is shopping for his first cell phone.)

Customer: “I need a phone that rings loud. My hearing isn’t so good.”

Me: “Well, this phone has vibrate mode so you can feel it ring.”

Customer: “Vibrate? You mean like a vibrator?”

Me: “Well, I suppose so, yes. But the warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage.”


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When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot

, , , , , | Right | September 10, 2010

(I’m shoe shopping, and I’ve taken off my own shoes to try on some other pairs. Another customer is browsing in the same aisle; she looks at my shoes and starts to try them on.)

Me: “Excuse me? Those are mine.”

Customer: “No, they’re not. I saw them first.”

Me: “No, I mean, I bought them a while ago. See, they don’t have price tags on them.”

(Ignoring me, she takes off my shoes, and calls over an employee.)

Customer: “Do you have these in size seven?”

Employee: “I’ve never seen these before. Do you have the box they were in?”

Me: “That’s because they’re mine. They’re not from here.”

Customer: *rolls eyes* “She keeps saying that, but I saw them first.”

Employee: “Uh, ma’am, she’s right. These are from [Another Shoe Store].”

Customer: “Oh. Well, can I buy them here?”

Employee: *gives me back my shoes* “Sorry, no.”

Customer: “Well, if that’s how you treat your customers here, I’m leaving!”

(As she walks out, she stops to check out my bag on the floor.)

Me: “That’s mine, too.”


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Finally Gets The Joint

, , , , | Right | July 31, 2010

(A customer enters the shop and smells strongly of marijuana.)

Customer: “Can I get a pack of cigarette papers?”

Me: “Sure. Do you need any loose cigarette tobacco?”

Customer: “Why would I want that?”

Me: “For the cigarette papers.”

Customer: “What? You can make cigarettes with them?!”


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May We Suggest The Decaf

, , , , | Right | January 28, 2010

Coworker: “Hi there, what can we get you today?”

Customer: “I want a mocha with THIS much coffee in it.”

Coworker: “All right, so about two inches of brewed coffee as well as the espresso and all the other stuff?”

Customer: “What is it with you people? How come every time I go here, you have to ask me a million questions? Are you all stupid? All I want is a mocha with coffee!”

Me: “We just want to make sure we make your drink the way you want it.”

Customer: “So what? I don’t care! I’m not answering any more questions! Just make me my drink!”

Me: “Okay, so I’m just going to put coffee in the cup with–”

Customer: “No! No, no, no, not coffee! Mocha! MOCHA! Mocha with THIS much coffee!”

Me: “So, no coffee. Do you just want a mocha with two inches of espresso then? It usually only comes with–”

Customer: “You’ve got to be kidding me! You are all idiots! Let me tell you step by step how to do it. First, walk over to that machine over there and put that brown stuff, COFFEE, into the cup to THIS line and then add the shot… and chocolate… and milk!”

Me: “So you do want brewed coffee in it?”

Customer: “JUST DO IT!”


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