Defeats The Porpoise

| Melbourne, Australia | Uncategorized

Child: “Mister, how do the waves work?” *points to wave pool*

Me: “There are big machines out the back that make the waves, mate.”

Child: “But my daddy says there are dolphins in cages that make the waves.”

Me: “Sorry buddy, no dolphins.”

(10 minutes later…)

Father: “You told my son there any dolphins.”

Me: “There aren’t.”

Father: “This is false advertising! Where are the dolphins! I was told there were dolphins!”

Me: “Nope, no dolphins.”

Father: *brief silence* “How about whales?”

Swimming With The Feces

| Pennsylvania, USA | Uncategorized

(A child has pooped in the pool so we get all the swimmers out. A customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Why did you get everybody out? It is a perfectly nice day”

Me: “Yes, but a child had an accident in the pool.”

Customer: “…so?”

Me: “Well, we have to run an eight hour cleaning cycle. We can not let you back in for the rest of the day.”

Customer: “That is so dumb! Who makes the decisions around here?”

Me: “I do. I am the lifeguard. A child has pooped in the pool, ma’am.”

Customer: “It is a nice day out and I want to swim!”

They Don’t Call Her Dumblesnore For Nothing

| Top

(Someone has been sleeping on a chair poolside for many hours. It’s routine to wake a customer if they’re getting too badly burned.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss? You must wake up. You are getting badly sunburned.”

Customer: *sleepily* “Where am I? Is this Hogwarts?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Narnia?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “Camp Half-Blood?”

Me: “Not even close.”

Customer: *pauses* “Well s***, then.”

Hot Air Doesn’t Just Come From Saunas

| Health & Body, Top

(I’m the Lifeguard on duty at an indoor pool when there’s a power outage. I must close the sauna for ventilation reasons. I enter, and a customer is sitting inside.)

Customer: “Close the door! You’re letting the heat out!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir, it is not safe for you to remain in the sauna because there is no longer adequate ventilation.”

Customer: “It’s a f***ing sauna! There’s not meant to be ventilation, so shut the d*** door!”

Me: “Without proper ventilation, the sauna will overheat and put you at risk for heat stroke.”

Customer: “That’s what lifeguards are for!”

Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2

| Uncategorized

(A little boy is about to go off the high dive when I stop him. His grandmother, upset, approaches and questions me.)

Grandmother: “Why won’t you let my grandson swim?”

Me: “We don’t believe he is a strong enough swimmer to be safe in the deep end.”

Grandmother: “So can he just go off the high dive?”

Me: “No, if he went off the high dive, he would most likely drown.”

Grandmother: “Well, you are a lifeguard! Isn’t it your job to stop him from drowning? You are discriminating against my grandchildren! You lifeguards are just lazy!”

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Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

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