Chroniton & Paste

| Bellevue, WA, USA | Uncategorized

(Note: I run the scoring system at swim meets for my local pool.)

Parent: “Do you mind pulling up my son’s race time?”

Me: “No problem. What race?”

Parent: “32.”

(I glance over at the announcer’s table. Race 25 is currently swimming.)

Me: “Oh, so you want his qualification time? Sure, I can pull that up.”

Parent: “No, no. I want his race time.”

Me: “You do realize that the race hasn’t happened yet, right?”

Parent: “Oh, that matters? Okay, then…switch him into an earlier race.”

Me: “Even if I switched him into a race that had already happened, it wouldn’t make your son’s time appear in the system. The computer doesn’t work that way.”

Parent: “It doesn’t?”

Completely Self-Immersed

| London, UK | Uncategorized

Swimmer: “Could you please close the doors? There’s a draft coming into the pool.”

Me: “Sure.”

(After closing the pool, a customer watching her child swim calls me over.)

Mother: “Could you please leave the doors open? I’m claustrophobic.”

Me: “Of course!”

(After opening the doors again, the swimmer talks to me.)

Swimmer: “Why are the doors open?”

Me: “A customer here is claustrophobic, and asked me to leave the doors open.”

Swimmer: *yelling angrily* “What’s more important, her claustrophobia, or my comfort?”

Customers Should Stop Causing Ripples

| Athens, GA, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

Customer: “Excuse me, lifeguard?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “I think there’s a…” *whispers* “…sex toy at the bottom of the pool!”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “A you know…” *whispers again* “vibrator!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s children’s torpedo toy.”

Customer: “Not a vibrator? Oh darn. I really needed one too.”

They Swim Where The Sun Doesn’t Shine

| Athens, GA, USA | Family & Kids

(A day camp comes to my pool every weekday. The kids are on average 7 years old.)

Girl: “I’m a mermaid!”

Me: “That’s nice.”

(Next day…)

Girl: “I’m a vampire! Gaaargh!”

Me: “But yesterday you were a mermaid.”

Girl: “I’m a vampire mermaid! Gaaargh!”

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This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 3

| Pennsylvania, USA | Extra Stupid, Money, Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Yeah, can I get a piece of candy?”

Me:  “Sure, that’s one dollar.”

Customer:  “Oh. I only have a five.” *starts walking away*

Me: “Excuse me, Ma’am? I said it’s only a dollar.”

Customer: “I know. Why would I waste four dollars?”

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 2
This Is Why We’re In A Recession

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