(A man and his son are swimming in the pool. The boy’s mother is sitting in the viewing area until she approaches me. Policy states that proper swim-wear must be worn, i.e. no t-shirts.)

Mother: “How can you discriminate like this!”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about, ma’am.”

Mother: “You won’t let me go swimming with my boy! Look how happy he is. I want to share that with him!”

Me: “You can go swimming as much as you’d like. You just have to put a swimsuit on first.”

Mother: “Exactly! Look at me! I can’t find a suit that would fit me!”

Me: “Why, I’m sure that’s not true. I get mine at [Local Sporting Goods Store] and they come in many different sizes.”

Mother: “Yes, but none of those are cute!”

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(A mother approaches me, violently dragging her two teenage boys along.)

Mother: “I demand you call the police immediately and have them arrest those ‘flashers’ at once!”

(She motions to the two topless girls on the beach.)

Me: “Actually, here in Ontario, it’s legal for women to go topless. Are you not from around here?”

Mother: “I am from America where we have morals and standards. You people sicken me! They are far too young to be doing that!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but there is technically no age limit on the law. It applies the same as it does to your sons.”

Mother: “Is there not a family section for decent people to enjoy the beach without these sick perverts exposing themselves to everyone?”

Me: “Again, I apologize, but it’s not about the beach. It’s legal for women of any age to go topless anywhere outdoors they please… same as men.”

Mother: “I will sue this whole country for punitive damages! My sons will be scarred for life!”

(Her sons are clearly scarred, as they are staring at the topless girls with huge grins on their faces. All of a sudden, three more topless girls walk past. She attempts to cover both her sons’ eyes with her hands.)

Mother: “Heathens! You will all burn in Hell! Sinners and perverts, that’s all you Canadians are!”

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(I am in concessions and a customer comes up bleeding pretty good.)

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering where your first aid station is?”

Me: “It is that gazebo right over there.”

(I point to a gazebo about 30 feet away.)

Customer: “Uh… where is it?”

Me: “The gazebo right over there. The hut that has the ‘First Aid’ sign hanging on it.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(He walks halfway over to the station but stops and looks at the hand sanitizer on a post for a couple of seconds but then comes back.)

Customer: “Okay, where is this place?”

Me: “It is the hut right over there. It’s about 20 feet away from you.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t see it.”

Me: “Would you like me to walk you over there?”

Customer: *pauses to think* “Nah, I’ll just let the chlorine stop the bleeding…” *starts walking away*

Me: “Sir! You can’t bleed like that in a pool!”

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Child: “Mister, how do the waves work?” *points to wave pool*

Me: “There are big machines out the back that make the waves, mate.”

Child: “But my daddy says there are dolphins in cages that make the waves.”

Me: “Sorry, buddy, no dolphins.”

(Ten minutes later…)

Father: “You told my son there aren’t any dolphins.”

Me: “There aren’t.”

Father: “This is false advertising! Where are the dolphins?! I was told there were dolphins!”

Me: “Nope, no dolphins.”

Father: *brief silence* “How about whales?”

(A child has pooped in the pool so we get all the swimmers out. A customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Why did you get everybody out? It is a perfectly nice day”

Me: “Yes, but a child had an accident in the pool.”

Customer: “…so?”

Me: “Well, we have to run an eight-hour cleaning cycle. We can not let you back in for the rest of the day.”

Customer: “That is so dumb! Who makes the decisions around here?”

Me: “I do. I am the lifeguard. A child has pooped in the pool, ma’am.”

Customer: “It is a nice day out and I want to swim!”

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