(I teach swim lessons to kids, aged 4-12. Many of the children have lisps or other slight speech impediments, and this particular child is very rambunctious and is pushing himself off the wall of the pool and moving quickly through the water.)

Child: “I pee’d you!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Child: “I PEE’D YOU!”

Me: *fearing the worst* “What do you mean by you ‘pee’d’ me?”

Child: “Look, I’ll do it again!”

(He pushes off the wall and moves quickly through the water again.)

Me: “Oh, you mean you torpedoed me!”

Child: “Yeah! What did you think I meant?”

(I’m a lifeguard at an apartment complex. It’s the end of summer, and some new tenants are at the pool for the first time, the first of whom is pretty muscular. I notice that they’re smoking, which is against the rules.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow smoking in the pool area. Could you please put those out?”

New Tenant #1: “Really? Come on.”

New Tenant #2: “You can’t do anything anymore.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it does bother some people.”

New Tenant #1: “Whatever.”

(They put out their cigarettes and I go back to my chair. A few minutes later, Tenant #1 gets up and dives into the pool. It’s 4.5 feet deep, and there are signs everywhere forbidding diving.)

Me: “Sir, there is absolutely no diving at this pool!”

New Tenant #1: “Man, I’m about ready to throw you over the f***ing fence!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but diving isn’t allowed. There are signs all over the place.”

New Tenant #1: *flexes menacingly* “Who the f*** do you think you are?”

Me: “I’m the lifeguard, sir, and it’s my job to enforce the rules. Please don’t do that again, or you’ll have to leave.”

(Overhearing the commotion, an old tenant speaks up.)

Old Tenant: “Are you okay?”

Me: “I’m fine, no problem.”

(The new tenants go back to their party, and they leave in a minute, still grumbling angrily.)

Old Tenant: “That jerk! I can’t believe he threatened you like that! You need to tell the manager. I’ll back you up.”

Me: “Don’t worry, I will. Thank you so much.”

(The next day, the old tenant told the story to everyone who missed it. A dozen people came up to me and said they had my back if he returned, thanked me for being such a good guard, and apologized for him. On the last day, I got four thank you cards and $80 in tips!)

(I’m spending some time with my younger cousins at their pool. My cousins are brothers, 2 and 8 years old. I’m 11. Suddenly, a kid a few inches bigger than the older brother starts picking on the him, right next to the pool.)

8-year-old Cousin: “C’mon, stop it!”

Kid: “Make me!” *lightly shoves my 8-year-old cousin*

(I start to get up to break this up when my 2-year-old cousin takes matters into his own teeny-weeny hands.)

2-year-old Cousin: “Leave my brother alone!” *pushes kid into the pool*

(I decide as the oldest of the group, that it was time for us to go, but not before giving the little one a high five.)

(I am sitting at the table where we require pool patrons to sign in. It is a slow afternoon early in the season, so I have been given permission to read. A patron enters with his young daughter, and I look up.)

Customer: “I think they’re mating.”

(Suddenly, the customer throws a pair of cockroaches on my still-open book. I jump back, let the book fall to the floor, and then stare back at him.)

Customer: *grins* “Wait ’til I find out what you’re REALLY afraid of!”

Me: *speechless*

(I quit two weeks later.)

(I have just finished swimming at a public pool and am going to get changed. A woman in her early 40s is standing near my locker. I am wearing speedos, but I am 16 and slim so it doesn’t usually bother people.)

Woman: “You shouldn’t be wearing those.”

Me: “Sorry?”

(She approaches me and points at my speedos.)

Woman: “You shouldn’t wear those trunks. They’re what gay people wear!”

Me: *speechless*

Woman: “Are you gay?”

Me: “No, I’m not. I just find them comfortable to swim in.”

Woman: “Well, if you’re not gay, you shouldn’t be wearing them!”

(She then grabs the waistband of my speedos and tries to pull them down. Thankfully they’re tied tight. I slap her hands away.)

Me: “Woah, what the h***?!”

Woman: “You need to get them off or you’ll become gay!”

(The sound of her screaming draws the attention of a lifeguard, who wanders over.)

Lifeguard: “What’s going on here?”

Woman: “Get away from me!”

(The woman runs off, leaving me and the lifeguard to look at one another in confusion. I’ve now started swimming at a different pool!)