Customer: *looking through the doors at the pool* “Is that your pool?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Do you have another one?”

Me: “No.”

(My friends and I have decided to go swimming, and while in the change room I overhear this exchange:)

Little Girl: “Mommy! Mommy!”

Woman: “Yes?”

Little Girl: “Mommy?!”

Woman: “What is it?”

Little Girl: *pause* “You don’t sound like my mommy…”

Woman: “Oh! No, you’re not mine! Sorry!”

(Little girl went back to calling for her mom, who did eventually hear her, and I couldn’t help laughing at the mix up!)

(I am teaching a swim class of school-aged children when a parent plops a three-year-old child on the steps into the water and walks away.)

Me: “Hi. Do you know which class he’s in?”

Parent: “He’s with you!”

Me: “No, he’s not. I’m teaching older kids now. Do you know the name of his class?”

Parent: “He’s with you! He’s in your class! Sweetie, run to your teacher!”

(The child starts running to me and promptly face-plants in the shallow water, requiring me to rescue him.)

Me: *to parent* “No, he is NOT with me.” *to child* “Sweetie, are you okay? Go back to your mom, please.”

Parent: “He’s with you! Why don’t you know your own students? [Child], go with your class.”

(At this point another teacher comes over to see what is going on.)

Teacher #2: “No, he’s not in my class either.”

Me: “No. He can’t get into the pool until we know whose class he’s in.”

Parent: “Go with your class!”

(The child makes a beeline through the shallow water at me and the second teacher, running right off the top step into deeper water. Teacher #2 and I have to grab him to prevent him from sinking.)

Parent: “You almost drowned my kid! I’m going to complain.”

(Turned out, it was the three-year-old child’s first day of class. She’d signed him up after class started for the session, did not know what class level he was in, plopped him in the pool without bothering to find out, went to leave, and then twice directed him to join a random class against the orders of staff, requiring us to rescue him twice. She had the audacity to be mad at us! We could have reported her for neglect.)

(I am a lifeguard near the city. Five minutes before my shift ends, the lights go out.)

Me: *blows whistle* “Everyone has to get out of the pool!”

Patron: “How long is this going to take? I have laps to finish.”

Me: “Uhh… the power went out. It just happens sometimes. You need to get out now.”

Patron: “Fine!” *finishes lap as slow as possible*

(I am at the pool taking a swimming lesson, and I am conversing about Christmas when…)

Instructor: “So do you actually celebrate Christmas, are you just in it for the presents?”

Me: “YES. Much presents… Very decoration.”

Instructor: “Very meme.”

Me: *respect increases*