Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 6

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Family & Kids

(I’m a lifeguard at a large pool in San Antonio. We don’t allow anyone who can’t swim to jump from the diving boards. This particular day, we have two parties, both 40 people large. A young girl is about to jump off the board and has already been told she cannot be in the pool, due to inappropriate swimwear. Her mother approaches me.)

Mother: “Excuse me, would you mind keeping an eye on my daughter?”

Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am, it’s my job to watch her, but if I remember correctly, your daughter’s already been told not to get in the pool. She’s not wearing a swimsuit.”

Mother: “Oh, don’t worry, she’ll only go off once. Just watch her. She can’t swim.”

(I proceed to blow my whistle and tell the girl to step down. When she walks over, the mother is absolutely livid.)

Me: “Your daughter’s been told already ma’am. She shouldn’t even be in the pool. Besides that, we don’t allow anyone that can’t swim to go off the boards.”

Mother: “Are you f***ing kidding me?! This is f***ing ridiculous! All you have to do is watch my f***ing daughter go off the board and make sure she doesn’t drown. How hard is your godd*** job?! Where’s your manager?!”

(My manager is called over and I explain the situation.)

Manager: *to the mother* “Let me get this straight: you want my guard to be ready to save your daughter, who can’t swim, instead of just now allowing her off the board, like he’s trained to do?”

Mother: *blank stare*

Manager: “Just leave.”

Related:
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 5
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 4
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 3
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 4

| USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science

(An older visitor and his wife approach me at a public swimming pool.)

Visitor: “How deep is your pool?”

Me: “It ranges from 3 feet to 12 feet.”

Visitor: “So the water surface isn’t level?!”

Me: “No, the water gradually gets deeper, but the surface of the water stays level.”

Visitor: “That can’t be right! If the water is deeper in some areas than others, the surface can’t be level!”

(Unsure of how to explain it without sounding patronizing, I tell him to just go look at the water. A few minutes later, he leaves without a word. His wife follows.)

Visitor’s Wife: *laughing* “I think he gets it now…”

Related:
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 3
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

Burning Ears But No Drowning Fears

| Lexington, KY, USA | Family & Kids

(A little girl starts to drown in the kiddie section of the pool and the lifeguard jumps in to save her. The mother of the child pays no attention while she’s sunbathing.)

Lifeguard: *calmly* “Ma’am, your daughter was just drowning.”

Mother: “Ugh, I told my other children to keep an eye out for her. Fine, give her to me!”

Lifeguard: “Just try to be a little more careful, okay?”

(Incredibly, the mother proceeds to yell at the little girl for drowning and then yells at her other small children for not watching her. The lifeguard sits back down in her chair. A random person who has seen everything walks by.)

Random Person: “What happened? Is she okay?”

Lifeguard: “Yeah, the mom just wasn’t paying attention.”

Mother: *on the other side of the pool* “DON’T SAY I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION!”

The Pool-cebo Effect

| Livingston, NJ, USA | Top

(I am a lifeguard at a pool. I am covering a coworker’s 12-4pm shift while he is visiting a friend in Boston. There is a senior aqua-exercise class for people with arthritis that is starting.)

Swimmer #1: “Brrr, The water is so cold! Why is the water always so cold?”

Swimmer #2: “Yes, this is ridiculous. We are going to freeze to death!” *to me* “You, there! Lifeguard! What is the water temperature today?”

Me: “It is 84 degrees. Quite warm, actually. I went for a swim earlier.”

Swimmer #1: “Bulls***! Where is the normal lifeguard, [coworker’s name]? He always fixes the water temperature for us.”

Me: “Really? How?”

Swimmer #2: “He calls the front desk and has maintenance turn up the temperature. He’s such a nice boy. Such a lovely boy!”

Me: “Okay, let me try that…

(I walk over to the phone, but instead of calling the front desk, I just call my coworker’s cellphone.)

Coworker: “Hello?”

Me: “Yeah, hey, I’m doing your shift. There’s this arthritis class in here complaining about the water temperature. They say that you know how to fix it for them. What exactly do you do?”

Coworker: “Oh, haha! I always tell them I’m going to call the front desk and have the temperature cranked up. Then, I walk into the office, pick up the phone and just mouth words to the dial tone for a few seconds. Then I go back and tell them that they’re working on it.”

Me: “Okay, man, awesome.”

(I hang up and walk back to the class.)

Me: *to the swimmers* “Uh, yeah…they said they’ll get on it right away.”

Swimmer #1: “I feel better already!”

May Top Story Roundup: Skyrim, Smoothies, Soap, Shadows, And Slips!

, , , , | Not Always Right | Roundups

May Top Story Roundup: From running thieves to running children, May’s top stories were filled with customers with nothing mentally running upstairs!

  1. Dovahkiin’s Day Off:
    A video game thief gets taken down, Dragonborn-style, by an unexpected hero.
  2. The Golden Rude:
    A delicious tale of a rude coffee customer getting what he deserves!
  3. Self Disservice:
    “Employees Must Wash Hands” and “Entitled Customers” don’t mix!
  4. Dumb Without Shadow Of A Doubt:
    A sandwich shop customer gets stupid over a shadow.
  5. Traveling At The Speed Of Stupid:
    An irresponsible parent slips up big time with her bratty offspring!

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!