They’re Not The Brightest Star In The Sky

| Plainsboro, NJ, USA | Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

(I lifeguard at a pool in a residential neighborhood. We’re required by state law to check the chlorine and PH of the water every hour. As I’m testing the chemicals, a woman approaches.)

Woman: “Is the chlorine all right? Is it safe to come in?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

Woman: “Okay, because last time we came here, when we went home our skin was dark!”

Me: “Oh, the chlorine wouldn’t do that to your skin.”

Woman: “No? Then what would?!”

Me: “…The sun?”


She Is Seventeen, Going On A**-Hole

| Berkeley, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Underaged

(I work as a lifeguard in a brand-new state-of-the-art pool. We have many different pools within our facility, one of which is the ‘therapy pool.’ The rule of this pool is that you MUST be eighteen or older to use this pool. This exchange happens as I’m on duty for the therapy pool. Three girls approach me. They all look around borderline eighteen, so I ask them their age.)

Girl #1: “Eighteen.”

Girl #2: “Eighteen.”

Girl #3: “Um… actually, I’m only seventeen.”

(It’s not a crowded night and I’m feeling jolly, so I don’t press on.)

Me: “That’s okay, you can go ahead on in. No one will really notice.”

Girl #3: “Wow, thanks!”

(They spend about an hour in the pool, and act normally. About thirty minutes after they leave, I’m approached by my supervisor.)

Supervisor: “Did you let someone under eighteen in the therapy pool?”

Me: “Yes, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Was it?”

Supervisor: “No, it really wasn’t. However, the one that was seventeen complained about you.”

Me: “Are you f****** serious? I let her get in with her friends and she complains about me? Sheesh.”

Supervisor: *laughs* “Yes, I know. Frankly, I was appalled and told her to get out of the facility.”

(I couldn’t believe that she did that. The nerve of some people! I should have kicked her out.)


Has A Rock Solid Murder Plan

| CA, USA | Family & Kids, School

(I work as a swim teacher at my local swimming pool. My first lesson on a Saturday morning is two brothers, about three and four years old.)

Me: “Now, you want to move your arms like this, to pull the water!” *demonstrates*

Four-Year Old: *excitedly* “If I killed my brother with a rock in a river, the rock would be too heavy and drag me under, too!”

Me: “Okay… let’s work on some kicks.”

(Apart from this incident and occasionally hugging each other like koala bears, those two were great students!)


Wait Until You’re 21 Tall

| NY, USA | Family & Kids, Language & Words

(This is my third year as a lifeguard at the local town pool. I am currently up on the stand overlooking the dive tank, which is 13 feet deep. A young boy, no more than six years old, walks up to me and this conversation ensues.)

Young Boy: “Mister?”

Me: “Hi, buddy, can I help you?”

Young Boy: “How deep is this?”

Me: “It’s 13 feet deep.”

Young Boy: “How deep is 13 feet?”

(We actually get this question a lot, so I usually compare it to the person’s height to give them a frame of reference.)

Me: “How tall are you?”

Young Boy: *after a couple seconds of intense thought* “Eight.”

Me: “You’re eight tall?”

Young Boy: *after a couple more seconds of intense thought* “Sometimes.”

Me: “Okay. You can’t stand in the water.”

Young Boy: “Oh, okay.” *walks away*


Bad Customers Strike More Than Once

| WA, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Popular

(I’ve been working at the same pool as a lifeguard for four years. I am guarding our outdoor pool on a day with weird weather: sunny, 90 degrees, but then thunder crashes in the distance.)

Me: “All right, everybody please clear the pool! There’s thunder in the area!”

Woman: “Are you sure that was thunder?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am! We need to clear the pool because it’s unsafe to—”

Woman: “Yeah, yeah, how long is it going to be closed?”

Me: “30 minutes from the next time thunder sounds.”

Woman: “Fine.” *walks back to her chair*

(We open the pool in thirty minutes with no problem. Ten minutes later, thunder claps again.)

Me: “All right, everybody, please clear the pool! There’s thunder in the area!”

Woman: “How long will it be closed this time!?”

Me: “Another thirty minutes, ma’am!”

Woman: *muttering about my incapability as she walks away*

(Thirty minutes later, I open the pool, but hear thunder. But maybe this time it’s a plane? I’m not quite sure.)

Boss: *over my walkie-talkie* “Lightning strikes! Shut ‘er down.”

Me: “All right, everybody please clear the pool! There’s lightning in the area!”

Woman: “This is unbelievable! How can you not tell the difference between thunder and a plane!? You are completely r*****d! That’s obviously the Blue Angels!”

Me: “Ma’am, I know it’s frustrating, but I have to shut down the pool or run the risk of—”

Woman: “Shut up! I’ll be having a word with your manager about your laziness! Don’t want to guard your pool, is that it?!”

Me: “Ma’am, my manager is the one who told me to close the pool in the first place!”

Woman: “Liar! You just don’t want to have to be responsible for my son if something happens to him!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you have any complaint please take them inside to my manager—”

Woman: “How dare you speak to me this way, b****! I’ll get you fired! It’s the God d*** Blue Angels!”

(As she’s speaking clouds block the sun overhead and it immediately starts raining. We’re both soaked in a couple seconds. Lightning flashes, followed by thunder.)

Me: *turning away from the shocked woman* “Ladies and gentlemen, it is now unsafe to remain on the pool deck! Please exit in an orderly fashion and resume swimming indoors!”

(The woman filed a complaint. I got a small raise.)

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