Not Usually Compa(red)

, , , , , , | Right | March 5, 2010

(In Nebraska, Husker football games are a really big deal. Nearly everyone wears red Husker shirts.)

Customer: “How come you aren’t wearing a Husker shirt?”

Me: “Well, we have to wear our work uniforms so people know who to ask for help.”

Customer: “That’s practically un-American!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Are you a communist?”

Me: “You’re the one wearing red, sir.”


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Some Confucian About Who Is In Charge

, , , , , | Right | January 26, 2010

Customer: “Is the President here today?”

Me: “No, the president works in the White House, not the Capitol.”

Customer: “Oh… so, is he here?”

Me: “No, not today. He’s meeting with the President of China, today.”

Customer: “China doesn’t have a president.”

Me: “They don’t?”

Customer: “No, they’ve got that Mao guy.”

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Beating Around The Bush

, , , | Right | December 21, 2009

(I’m working the box office and a woman storms up to the counter, holding a copy of a popular satire newspaper.)

Customer: “Have you seen this?”

Me: “Yeah, I read it all the time.”

Customer: “How can they get away with this?”

(She pushes the newspaper against the glass, and I can see a humorous picture of the President.)

Me: “I think that’s photoshopped.”

Customer: “No, it’s real! This is un-American! To degrade the office of the president by publishing this photo, it’s treasonous!”

Me: “You know it’s a joke, right?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “It’s a parody newspaper. Nothing in it is actual news.”

Customer: “No, no, no, it was on the newsstand. I paid for this, and they’re defaming the president!”

Me: “It’s also free.”

Customer: *pauses*

Me: “Would you like a ticket?”

Customer: “One for Sicko…”

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Pepperoni Extremism

, , , | Right | November 16, 2009

(I’ve just finished giving a guy his pizza when he notices my car in the driveway. It is 2009.)

Customer: “That your car?”

Me: “Yes, it is. You like it?”

Customer: “Yeah! Mind if I go look at it?”

Me: “Sure. I’ll show you around it.”

(We get there and he studies the decals in my window. I have an “Obama ’08” button on the back of my headrest.)

Customer: *gasps* “Are you a terrorist?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Don’t play dumb with me! You’re a terrorist!”

Me: “What are you talking about?!”

Customer: “You’re a terrorist and you voted for a terrorist for president!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that our president is not a terrorist.”

Customer: “But he is! He’s not American! He’s an illegal immigrant!”

Me: “Sir, why would we have an illegal immigrant terrorist as president if the government were on his side?”

Customer: *gasps again* “You’re right! Everyone’s a terrorist!”

Me: “No, no, no! They’re not terrorists!”

Customer: “You’re on their side?! Don’t kill me!”

Me: *giving up* “Yes, I’m a terrorist.”

(The customer screamed and ran inside. A few moments later, the pizza fell out of a second-story window.)

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Slightly Less Rare Than An Honest Politician

, , , , | Right | August 17, 2009

Coworker: “Hi, how are you? Can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for books by John Edwards.”

Coworker: “The politician?”

Customer: “Yes… He reads minds, you know.”

Coworker: “Oh, you’re looking for John Edwards the psychic, not John Edwards the politician.”

Customer: “They’re different people?!”

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