We have a store-wide mask policy, and the employees have to confront anyone not wearing a mask. I’m the only person in my department, and a middle-aged man comes in with his mask off.

Me: “Excuse me, sir, you need to wear a mask; it’s store policy.”

I’m short and unthreatening so people think they can walk all over me, but this is another level. He gets in my face and starts yelling.

Customer: “This is fascism! You can’t control me! This is fascism!”

I think he’s going to punch me, so I repeat that he needs to wear it or leave.

Customer: “I’m not a sheeple; I’m a man! I’m an American! Live free or die!”

He stormed out of my department.

My friend is griping about her government class, which is required for all high schools in the USA. The students at our school are not generally the brightest crayons in the box.

Friend #1: “I don’t see why we have to take government, anyway. Nobody here is gonna go into it.”

Me: “I’m sure there are people both dumb enough and charismatic enough to be politicians.”

Friend #2: “Like me?”

Me: “No. You’re way too much of a good person to be a politician.”

Friend #2: “Aww! Thank you!”

I work part-time in a copy shop in a small shopping centre, and we frequently get some “interesting” customers. This one in particular sticks out in my mind, though the whole thing happened to my coworker.

An older man comes in, asking for twenty-five copies of a document he brought with him. He seems a bit strange, ranting to himself about something or other under his breath, but he gets his copies and leaves without complaint. Before leaving, however, he gives my coworker one of the copies he’s just purchased.

A few minutes later, an employee of the store across from ours comes over, laughing to herself, asking us if the man had his copies made in our shop. Apparently, he has been handing out these sheets of paper to everyone in the building.

Now curious, my coworker and I decide to read the man’s paper. I don’t recall exactly what he has written, but it is a two-page, near-incoherent rant about the government, society, and people who refuse to take him seriously. Somewhere in there, there is the sentence, “I have fallen on deaf ears with my friends, and so, now, I turn to my enemies,” and a declaration that he is planning to form a new political party.

We have a good laugh about this man’s paranoid rants, but the best part is when he returns about ten minutes later.

Customer: “Excuse me, I have a complaint!”

Coworker: “What seems to be the problem?”

He hands my coworker one of the copies he had made.

Customer: “You made a mistake with these copies! See here!

He points out a sentence in the first paragraph.

Customer: “There’s a spelling mistake here! You made a typo with my copies!”

Coworker: *After a short moment of shocked silence* “Sir, first of all, I copied a sheet of paper you gave me; there was no way I could have made a typo. Secondly, this sheet is handwritten.”

For those who don’t know, contra dancing is a social folk dance for couples. It started in New England and has spread over the US in the past few decades.

In 1987, a group of us were trying to establish a contra dance club in a large sunbelt city. We needed to advertise and a local natural food store in town looked like an obvious choice. It had a bulletin board for community announcements and we put a flyer up.

The flyer disappeared within a few hours. We assumed someone had taken it for information; encouraged, we placed another one there. This, too, vanished quickly. Rinse and repeat: four flyers went up and were immediately removed.

Finally, we realized that the store itself must be taking them down, so we asked the manager why our flyers were not welcome.

Manager: “We don’t support the Contras!”

The Iran-Contra affair was a secret US arms deal that took place during Ronald Reagan’s presidency where they traded missiles and such to free American hostages in Lebanon. The US also used funds from this deal to support armed conflict in Nicaragua, where anti-communist Contras were fighting with the communist Sandinista government.

Obviously, it had nothing to do with our dance club!

Two of my friends are talking about cinema. I don’t know much about cinema.

Friend #1: “Personally, I didn’t like Resident Evil: Extinction.”

Me: “They made a film about an ecological movement?”

Friend #1: “What?”

Me: “But you weren’t talking about that? The thing with extinction.”

Friend #2: “Uh, were you thinking about the ‘extinction rebellion’ movement? The environmental movement that advocates civil disobedience?”

Me: “Oops, yes. I confused the two.”

Friend #1: “Oh, no, now I want to see this movement against zombies!”