Pepperoni Extremism

, , , | Right | November 16, 2009

(I’ve just finished giving a guy his pizza when he notices my car in the driveway. It is 2009.)

Customer: “That your car?”

Me: “Yes, it is. You like it?”

Customer: “Yeah! Mind if I go look at it?”

Me: “Sure. I’ll show you around it.”

(We get there and he studies the decals in my window. I have an “Obama ’08” button on the back of my headrest.)

Customer: *gasps* “Are you a terrorist?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Don’t play dumb with me! You’re a terrorist!”

Me: “What are you talking about?!”

Customer: “You’re a terrorist and you voted for a terrorist for president!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that our president is not a terrorist.”

Customer: “But he is! He’s not American! He’s an illegal immigrant!”

Me: “Sir, why would we have an illegal immigrant terrorist as president if the government were on his side?”

Customer: *gasps again* “You’re right! Everyone’s a terrorist!”

Me: “No, no, no! They’re not terrorists!”

Customer: “You’re on their side?! Don’t kill me!”

Me: *giving up* “Yes, I’m a terrorist.”

(The customer screamed and ran inside. A few moments later, the pizza fell out of a second-story window.)

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Slightly Less Rare Than An Honest Politician

, , | Right | August 17, 2009

Coworker: “Hi, how are you? Can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for books by John Edwards.”

Coworker: “The politician?”

Customer: “Yes… He reads minds, you know.”

Coworker: “Oh, you’re looking for John Edwards the psychic, not John Edwards the politician.”

Customer: “They’re different people?!”

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Land Of The Free, Home Of the Single-Minded

, , | Right | July 30, 2009

(This takes place in 2008, when George W. Bush was still president. A customer brings a book filled with his quotes to the register.)

Customer: “What kind of nonsense is this? I can’t believe you guys would really sell these books here. He’s still our president, and he deserves respect!

Me: “I’m sorry if the books offend you, sir, but we offer them for customers who have different opinions.”

Customer: “This is America! We should all have the same opinion!” *storms out with his purchase*

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Our Great Dumbocracy, Part 2

, | Right | May 11, 2009

(This js back in August of 2008. I am just starting as a volunteer for the Barack Obama campaign.)

Me: “Hi I’m calling on behalf of the Barack Obama Campaign for Change. Is [Caller] there?”

Caller: “Barack Obama?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Caller: “Who’s he?”

Me: “A candidate.”

Caller: “For what?”

Me: “President.”

Caller: “President of what?”

Me: “…the United States?”


Me: “No, I’m just a volunteer.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Go ahead, ask me the questions.”

Me: “So which candidate do you support?”

Caller: “Candidate for what?

Me: “The United States.”

Caller: “Oh, the election is this year?”

Me: “Yes. So which candidate do you support?”

Caller: “Well, I guess Obama, since he’s calling me.”

Me: “All right, good.”

Caller: “Is he there?”

Me: “Um… no, not right now.”

Caller: “But I read on the news he’s supposed to be in Virginia.”

Me: “Yeah, but not in Richmond.”

Caller: “Oh, when will he get back?”

Me: “I’m not sure, sir.”

Caller: “Okay. Well, when he gets back, have him give me a call!”

Me:“Uh… okay.”

Caller: “You need the number?”

Me: “No, sir, I’ve got it.”

Caller: “Okay, he’d better call me and tell me to vote for him!”


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Hypothetical Intelligence

, , , | Right | March 25, 2009

(I work for a political party and am making polling calls.)

Me: “Hello, my name is [My Name] and I’m calling on behalf of the [Political Party]. Do you have time to take a quick survey for us?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you. If there was a general election tomorrow, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “There’s a general election tomorrow?”

Me: “No, but if there was, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “I would have trouble getting to the polling station. Are you offering a lift?”

Me: “No… it’s a hypothetical election question about who would you vote for.”

Caller: “Sorry, I have to go to the doctors tomorrow!”

Me: *gives up*

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