Highly Rigged

, , , , | Working | September 18, 2017

(It is about one week before a presidential election. One of the candidates has been insisting that the election is rigged throughout the past month or two. I work in a department which shares office space with another department in control of elections for the town. I have been asked to help test the ballot machines. We fill out sample ballots randomly, run them through the machines, and make sure each machine comes up with the correct totals for each candidate. Upon re-entering the office, I see a coworker who has started her shift while I was gone.)

Coworker: “Hello, ladies! Where have you been?”

Me: “Oh, just rigging elections.”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “Did I say that out loud?”

Coworker: *bursts out laughing*

Me: “No, but really, just testing the ballot machines. [Third Party Presidential Candidate] won, [Incumbent State Senator For Many Terms] lost, and [Unpopular Sheriff Candidate] won. But the marijuana question passed, so the voters were all high anyways.”

I Will Catch Them All, And Mexico Will Pay For It

, , , , | Learning | September 15, 2017

(Two third-graders are trading Pokémon cards on the bus and are just getting off when I hear this gem:)

Student: “Donald Trump is like ‘Mr. Mime’ because he makes walls.”

We Negotiate Better Than Anybody, Believe Me, It’ll Be Beautiful

, , , , | Right | September 12, 2017

(I work at a local furniture store, where we never have sales because our prices are always marked down from the MSRP. I’ve done the math, and it’s anywhere from 30-45% off on EVERY PIECE. As such, we also don’t negotiate prices. Most people accept it and say, “It was worth a try,” while others simply refuse to accept it. This happens to a coworker during my first week on the job.)

Customer: “I want to negotiate the price of this.”

Coworker: “We don’t negotiate prices, as our prices are always much lower than the suggested retail price.”

(The man immediately gets angry.)

Customer: “What do you mean you don’t negotiate? This is TRUMP’S America! We NEGOTIATE in Trump’s America!”

Coworker: *trying not to snap at him* “I’m sorry you feel that way, sir, but that’s store policy.”

Customer: “I want to talk to a manager. NOW.”

(We don’t have managers, since it’s a family owned store with policies that are set in stone, but my coworker gets one of the more experienced women from the office to tell this customer the same thing.)

Coworker #2: “Sir, we don’t negotiate prices.”

Customer: “This is RIDICULOUS. This is Trump’s America! Let’s see how long you last with this type of service in TRUMP’S America!”

(He buys the furniture anyway, because SURPRISE, the prices are still very reasonable for a locally owned store that has been in business for over 100 years. I don’t think we will need to worry about going out of business anytime soon. Later on, another coworker and I are discussing how people like to try and negotiate.)

Coworker #3: “Just ONCE, I would like to say to someone, ‘Name THREE companies that negotiate their prices.’ Guess what? You can’t! Car dealerships, maybe. But we aren’t a car dealership!”

That’s Still More Than Trump Gives Back

, , , , | Right | August 11, 2017

(I work at a popular restaurant in Las Vegas. We get a diverse group of people from different cultural and political backgrounds. This particular day is like any other, until this exchange occurs:)

Customer: *wearing a ‘Make America Great Again’ hat* “I’m only going to give you a 10% tip because you didn’t do a great job.”

Me: “I’m sorry, did I do something wrong?”

Customer: “Oh, no, no, not at all. You were fine; you just weren’t great. Have a nice day!”

Me: “All right, we’ll see you next time.” *quietly, to myself* “Next time I’ll make table-side service great again…”

In Soviet Russia, Rooms Rest You!

, , , , | Right | August 7, 2017

(My family moved from Sweden to America when I was a teenager. As a result, we had pretty obvious accents. In high school I got a job at a clothing store. Most people who heard me speak either seemed curious and would ask me where I was from or simply didn’t comment. One day, an older man walked into the store and came up to me.)

Man: “Hello, I was wondering if you could point me to the restrooms?”

Me: “Oh, of course! They’re just down this aisle. I can show you if you’d like.”

(The man stared at me suspiciously for a few long moments before he motioned for me to step a little closer. I did so nervously. His expression was very, very grave and serious.)

Man: “Tell me straight. Are you a communist?”

(I barely managed to suppress my laughter and assured him that I was not a communist. I then quickly showed him to the restrooms and proceeded to laughed myself sick.)

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