Will Have To Twi-Hard To Like You

| Dallas, TX, USA | Working | January 5, 2015

(Several new trainees have come onto the floor after classroom training for our communications department. I’m getting to know one.)

Coworker: “I don’t like Harry Potter.”

Me: *jokingly* “Oh, we can’t be friends, then.”

Coworker: “But I love Twilight.”

Me: “We really can’t be friends, then!”

Up-Hold-ing The Law

| CA, USA | Working | November 6, 2014

(I work as an evidence tech at a police department. We have one officer that likes to pop in our office from time to time. He is known for being pretty loud and obscene, but in a goofy way. At this time my coworker is assisting a citizen on the phone, when we hear the officer coming down the hallway.)

Coworker: “Okay let me find your case…” *she hears him coming* “I’m sorry, sir, please hold!

(Her eyes go wide and she scrambles to press the hold button just in time.)

Officer: “WHAT’S UP, CHEESE NUGGETS?! Oh, what the f***? It smells like weed in here! You b****** been smoking?! Maaaaan, I’m getting the munchies!”

Me: *giggling* “Do you know we have to put people on hold when you come in the room?”

Officer: “Oh, yeah. I guess we have to be all honorable and professional and s***.”

The Number One Student

| Tucson, AZ, USA | Working | August 30, 2014

(I work for one of the local police departments. I’m also in training at the time. The trainers mark us on a scale of one to four, four being the highest. The graveyard shift has been slow all night. ‘Law and Order: SVU’ is playing on one of the televisions. Several coworkers are watching the episode, which I have already seen.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], wanna know how it ends?”

Coworker: “What? No! Don’t do that.”

Me: “All right. All right.”

(A few minutes pass.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker].”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “Somebody gets caught.”

Coworker: *to my trainer* “Give her all ones tonight!”

Has Already Been Seen By The Doctor

| London, England, UK | Working | June 16, 2014

(It is my first month working in the police. One colleague says he doesn’t understand what my high-functioning-autism is, and keeps trying to get me to sit with him and his friends at lunch. I and several others (including the disability liaison) explain again and again about neurodevelopmental disabilities, but he keeps saying he doesn’t understand. Eventually, they give up and lie, saying ‘he’s just crazy, leave him alone.’ The next day he comes up to me sitting alone on a coffee break.)

Coworker: “[Coworker] just told me that all your disability stuff is because you’re crazy. That’s not true; your exam scores are really high. You’re not crazy, right?”

(At this point I decide to play along and quote Ood Server from ‘Doctor Who.’)

Me: *deadpan* “The Beast and his armies shall rise from the Pit, to make war against God.”

Coworker: “Oh, so you ARE crazy! That’s great! Now I get it!”

(Then he walked off smiling. He’s never bothered me again.)

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Not Quite Up To Speed

| PA, USA | Working | May 19, 2014

(I’m driving the speed limit on a major road when a cop car, which had been parked on the median, swoops out behind me and turns its lights on. I pull over thinking that I must have a taillight out. I open the window and wait for the police officer to approach.)

Me: “What’s the problem, officer?”

Cop: “You looked like you were going pretty fast back there.”

Me: “What? I was going the speed limit. What did you clock me at?”

Cop: “Well, I didn’t have my radar on but you looked like you were going fast.”

Me: “Wait, what? You didn’t even clock me? What cause do you have to pull me over, then?”

Cop: *realizing he’s made an unlawful stop* “Uh…never mind. Just slow down! *starts jogging back to his patrol car*

Me: *shouting after him* “Hey! HEY! I WANT YOUR BADGE NUMBER!”

(The cop jumped in his car and tore off WAY over the speed limit with his lights on.)

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