The Number One Student

| Tucson, AZ, USA | Working | August 30, 2014

(I work for one of the local police departments. I’m also in training at the time. The trainers mark us on a scale of one to four, four being the highest. The graveyard shift has been slow all night. ‘Law and Order: SVU’ is playing on one of the televisions. Several coworkers are watching the episode, which I have already seen.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], wanna know how it ends?”

Coworker: “What? No! Don’t do that.”

Me: “All right. All right.”

(A few minutes pass.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker].”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “Somebody gets caught.”

Coworker: *to my trainer* “Give her all ones tonight!”

Has Already Been Seen By The Doctor

| London, England, UK | Working | June 16, 2014

(It is my first month working in the police. One colleague says he doesn’t understand what my high-functioning-autism is, and keeps trying to get me to sit with him and his friends at lunch. I and several others (including the disability liaison) explain again and again about neurodevelopmental disabilities, but he keeps saying he doesn’t understand. Eventually, they give up and lie, saying ‘he’s just crazy, leave him alone.’ The next day he comes up to me sitting alone on a coffee break.)

Coworker: “[Coworker] just told me that all your disability stuff is because you’re crazy. That’s not true; your exam scores are really high. You’re not crazy, right?”

(At this point I decide to play along and quote Ood Server from ‘Doctor Who.’)

Me: *deadpan* “The Beast and his armies shall rise from the Pit, to make war against God.”

Coworker: “Oh, so you ARE crazy! That’s great! Now I get it!”

(Then he walked off smiling. He’s never bothered me again.)

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Not Quite Up To Speed

| PA, USA | Working | May 19, 2014

(I’m driving the speed limit on a major road when a cop car, which had been parked on the median, swoops out behind me and turns its lights on. I pull over thinking that I must have a taillight out. I open the window and wait for the police officer to approach.)

Me: “What’s the problem, officer?”

Cop: “You looked like you were going pretty fast back there.”

Me: “What? I was going the speed limit. What did you clock me at?”

Cop: “Well, I didn’t have my radar on but you looked like you were going fast.”

Me: “Wait, what? You didn’t even clock me? What cause do you have to pull me over, then?”

Cop: *realizing he’s made an unlawful stop* “Uh…never mind. Just slow down! *starts jogging back to his patrol car*

Me: *shouting after him* “Hey! HEY! I WANT YOUR BADGE NUMBER!”

(The cop jumped in his car and tore off WAY over the speed limit with his lights on.)

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Needs To Go To 911, 101

| SC, USA | Right | March 20, 2014

Me: “911, what’s the address of your emergency?”

Caller: “I need the number for the phone company.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is 911. Do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “I need the number for the phone company!”

Me: “Okay, so just to clarify: you do not have an emergency at this time?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Call me back at this number and I’ll see what I can do to help you.”

(At this point I gave her the non-emergency number and she hung up. I grabbed the phone book while I waited on her to call back.)

Me: “This is the [City] Police Department. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need the number for the phone company.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. I’ve got the phone book in front of me now. There are three numbers listed here, which do you need? I have one for billing, one for establishing service, and one for repairs.”

Caller: “No! I need the number for the phone company that I can call and get someone else’s phone number.”

Me: *pause* “Do you mean 411, ma’am?”

Caller: “Yes! That’s it! Thanks!” *click*

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Will Try To Tag Themselves In Jail

| TX, USA | Right | March 12, 2014

(I stop a young, 20-something woman for using her cell while driving in an active school zone.)

Me: “I stopped you, ma’am, for using your phone while driving in a school zone, which is against the law.”

Driver: “I am not calling anyone or texting, so I am not using my phone. I was updating my Facebook status!”

(After citing her, we both pull away from the curb. I then witness her using her cell AGAIN, so I stop her once more.)

Me: “Ma’am, I have already explained and cited you for the very same reason I am pulling you over the second time. I do not want to have to arrest you, so please do not use your phone while driving again.”

Driver: “One more time, officer, I am NOT calling or texting! I am uploading a picture of my citation to Pinterest!”

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