Jesus Doesn’t Get Tickets

| MD, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Transportation

(My friend is playing Jesus in a production of Jesus Christ Superstar. After the performance, he changes into his own clothes, but doesn’t take off his stage makeup, including the fake blood from the crucifixion scene. While he is driving home, he is pulled over by the police.)

Police Officer: “License and registration, please.”

(As my friend hands the officer his license, the officer gets a good look at him.)

Police Officer: “Sir, are you all right? Do you need an ambulance?”

Friend: *confused because he forgot he was wearing the makeup* “Huh? Oh! I’m okay. This is makeup. I’m coming home from a performance.”

Police Officer: *so relieved that he apparently forgot why he pulled my friend over* “Oh, good. Well, drive safely and have a good night!”

Not Quite The Speedy Resolution

| Lincoln, NE, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

(I work for a non-emergency hotline for the local police department. I take calls from the public that don’t need emergency services and, as a result, talk to a lot of people who aren’t exactly the sharpest tools in the box.)

Caller: “I want to make a report of a crime.”

Me: “All right, ma’am, can you tell me what happened?”

Caller: “I was driving on the interstate yesterday, and I saw four motorcycles speeding.”

Me: “Okay?”

Caller: “I have their plate numbers too. They are…” *gives numbers*

Me: “Okay?”

Caller: “Well? Aren’t you going to do anything about it?”

Me: “Ma’am, what do you want me to do with this?”

Caller: “Something! They broke the law and they should be punished.”

Me: “Ma’am, they might have broken the law, but unless an officer actually saw them doing it… then we have no proof. We can’t go around arresting people without proof.”

Caller: “But I SAW them!”

Me: “But you are not a member of the police force. We can’t arrest someone based solely on your witness statement. There has to be some other form of evidence.”

Caller: “Plenty of other people saw them, too!”

Me: “But none of them have called us. Even if they did, we still wouldn’t pursue those bikers just based on eyewitness statements. We would let the officer present make that call.”

Caller: “What do you expect me to do? I was DRIVING! I wasn’t going to risk MY life by trying to take a video! Those men are going to kill someone someday!”

Me: “It’s very good you didn’t take video while driving, but there’s nothing you can do. The police didn’t see it happen, so on our end nothing did happen.”

Caller: “I gave you their plate numbers. I want you to look up their addresses and write them very strongly worded letters so they understand that what they did was wrong.”

Me: “Ma’am… I’m not going to do that.”

Caller: “THIS IS SUCH A WASTE OF MY TAX DOLLARS! I CALLED YOU EXPECTING JUSTICE TO BE SERVED, BUT INSTEAD I GET SOME CRAP ABOUT YOU NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING UNLESS AN OFFICER SEES IT! HOW DARE YOU TREAT THE PUBLIC YOU PROTECT AND SERVE LIKE THIS!”

(She continues to rant about how useless the department is and how she won’t stand for her money being wasted like this. I am now really annoyed, and trying not to tell the woman how she is the one wasting our time and money.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, I’ve found something I can do for you. I will pass your message on to someone else.”

Caller: “FINALLY! I hope you’re happy that you’ve wasted so much of my time with this!”

Me: “Not at all, ma’am, but I do wish you a good rest of your day. Drive safely. ”

(After hanging up, I turn to the dispatcher sitting next to me.)

Me: “Hey.”

Coworker: “What’s up?”

Me: “The lady I just talked to, she saw some bikers speeding on the interstate. I told her I’d tell someone about it. There you go.”

Tree Lives Matter

| MD, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal

Caller: “Um? I’m calling? Because, there’s like, a tree? In the road? And I can’t get by. And there’s like, no emergency vehicles there?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we have an officer on the way to shoot the tree. Hold tight! Everything is going to be fine.”

Bringing You Up To Speed About Your State

| ID, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Tourists/Travel

(I am stopped while driving cross-country, going about 95.)

Highway Patrol: “Do you know how fast you were going, Ma’am?”

Me: “About 95. I thought there was no speed limit in Montana.”

Highway Patrol: “Yes, there is, Ma’am. And you’re in Idaho.”

(I got the ticket.)

Needs To Go To 911, 101

| SC, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

Me: “911, what’s the address of your emergency?”

Caller: “I need the number for the phone company.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is 911. Do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “I need the number for the phone company!”

Me: “Okay, so just to clarify: you do not have an emergency at this time?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Call me back at this number and I’ll see what I can do to help you.”

(At this point I gave her the non-emergency number and she hung up. I grabbed the phone book while I waited on her to call back.)

Me: “This is the [City] Police Department. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need the number for the phone company.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. I’ve got the phone book in front of me now. There are three numbers listed here, which do you need? I have one for billing, one for establishing service, and one for repairs.”

Caller: “No! I need the number for the phone company that I can call and get someone else’s phone number.”

Me: *pause* “Do you mean 411, ma’am?”

Caller: “Yes! That’s it! Thanks!” *click*

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