(We sell hiking equipment and outdoor clothing. We have an online shop, also. A customer calls, trying to return a pair of hiking boots he bought online.)

Caller: “I would like to return shoes I bought last week.”

Me: “No problem. May I ask what’s wrong with them?”

Caller: “They’re too small!”

Me: “Well, you just need—”

Caller: *quickly interrupts* “—and I only walked a few kilometers wearing them!”

(I glare at my coworker in disbelief.)

Me: “In that case, we cannot accept this return.”

Caller: “What? They are not damaged or anything!”

Me: “Sir, our return policy states that you can return items only if they are in the same condition as when you bought them.”

Caller: “This is outrageous! How am I supposed to try them out?”

Me: “You can try them in the store or at home, in a clean environment.”

Caller: “But… they are just as new! It was just a few steps outside!”

Me: “Sir, I really cannot accept this return.”

Caller: “Well, I’m sending the boots to you, anyway! And I expect you to give me a full refund!”

Me: “I’m sorry; I can’t do this, either.”

(This goes for a few minutes and then someone — wife or mother of the caller — shouts behind his back.)

Voice: “You bought too-small boots, wore them on hiking trip, and now you want to return them?! You idiot!”

Caller: *click*

Customer: “I need a bouquet of carnations and roses, in pink and orange, with one of these ‘final goodbye’ ribbons, for Friday morning.”

Florist: “Certainly. Do you want to pick it up here or have it delivered to the funeral?”

Customer: “I’ll pick it up here. It’s not for funeral; my son is graduating elementary school and it’s for his teacher.”

(I make and sell embroidered and cross-stitched cards. My designs are quite elaborate and I use good quality materials, so my prices are quite high. I set my stall at multiple fairs in many locations, and this happens when I’m in quite a small town. Most customers and about half of sellers are locals, and there’s a local elderly lady with cross-stitched cards, simpler and cheaper than mine. We’re on good terms, and she only sets her stall at this particular fair. This situation happens a few times during a two-day fair.)

Customer: “I’d like a wedding card.”

Me: *showing cards* “I can add the newlyweds’ names and wedding date, too. These cards are [price #1], and these are [price #2].”

Customer: “How much?! [Elderly Lady] sells hers for [price #3], less than half of your prices!”

Me: “Well, then, you are welcome to buy your card from [Elderly Lady].”

Customer: “But your cards look so much better!”

Me: “This is why they are from [price #1] to [price #2].”

(I’m a customer, doing a big amount of shopping in a large store that sells basically everything, from pins, to food, to large appliances, to car parts. Another customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, ma’am. Where can I find fruit gelatin?”

Me: *automatically* “Aisle 13.”

Customer: “Thank you!”

Me: *realizing I wear nothing like store uniform* “Uh… How did you know I knew where it is?”

Customer: *cheerily* “You have a big pile of these in your cart, ma’am.”

(I did.)

(I serve a family of five, and they leave a really generous tip. When I am cleaning their table, I find a napkin with notes:)

Notes:

“Waiter was smiling 2%
Menus given quickly +5%
Waiter accurately told approximate time to receiving food +5%
Allergen information +5%
Substitutes offered +5%
Asked about taste only once +5%
Wished a good day +2%”

(Yep. Some customers are really calculating their tips!)