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Had Enough Of Her S***

| Right | April 17, 2014

(I work for a small town plumber answering his phones and scheduling his jobs.)

Me: “Good morning. This is [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I am calling to get [Boss] out here right away. My toilet is over-flowing and I need him out here, now.”

Me: “Okay, let me see what I can do for you. Can I please have your name?”

Customer: *gives me her name*

Me: “And I will need the address of where we are to go.”

Customer: “I am a repeat customer. You should already have my address. Now look it up and be quick about it.”

Me: “All right. I am checking our database; however, I do not see you in here. I will be happy to get your information right now so that we can schedule a time to come out.”

Customer: “What? I am not in there?! What kind of a company doesn’t keep customer records? You find me now, and stop being lazy.  Your boss would never delete me. I am a very important customer to him.”

Me: “I am sorry. I did not say you were deleted. Perhaps the previous person never entered you into the system but I will be happy to do that for you now.”

Customer: “Look. I want [Boss] out to my house, now!

(The customer reluctantly gives me her physical address.)

Customer: “Apparently you don’t know who I am. What is your name?”

Me: “My name is [My Name].  I am checking our schedule and I can have one of our technicians come out to take care of you this afternoon. Will 1 pm be convenient for you?”

Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about, 1pm? No, that is not convenient for me. I want [Boss] here now to clean this s*** up, and don’t send anyone but him.”

Me: “I am terribly sorry, but he is on another job out of the area at the moment. The soonest I could have a technician to your place would be in about an hour but I will have to pull him off another job. I can send [Technician] to take care of you then. Would that be all right with you?”

Customer: “Absolutely not. Now, you get on the phone and get your boss out here to clean this s*** up. I want my appointment with him. You put me on your calendar with him and stop arguing with me. Don’t you know that the customer is always right?  You should be grateful for the business I am giving you.”

Me: “I am sorry, but my boss is unavailable today. Are you sure that you would not reconsider one of our other technicians? They are all very well qualified to do their jobs as plumbers.”

Customer: “I do not deal with anyone but [Boss]. He is the only one that is allowed near my toilet. It is my toilet and if I want him to come clean up this s***ty mess then you are to find him and get him over here. I am a paying customer and I will not take no for an answer. You are giving me very bad customer service. I want this s*** cleaned up and I want it done now. If you do not get your boss over here, I will go on [Review Site] and destroy his perfect record.”

Me: “I am very sorry that [Boss] is not available right now. I will call him and have him call you. In the meantime if you change your mind and would like to have one of our other technicians come out please call me back and I will schedule it right away. Is there anything else I can do for you to help you out today?”

Customer: *huffs* “You do that and make it snappy. I don’t have all day to wait around for you, you ungrateful little b****!” *hangs up*

(When I told my boss about her, he said that she was rich and had lots of rich friends, and he wanted their business, so I should have tried harder to make her happy!)

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The Lights Are Out But Somebody’s Home

| Right | December 12, 2011

(This is in the middle of a storm that knocked out the power of over a million people.)

Me: “[Company] plumbing and heating. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my hot water heater is broken.”

Me: “Okay, is it gas, oil, or electric?”

Customer: “Electric.”

Me: “All right. Because of the storm, I won’t be able to get there until tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “Are you kidding me? I don’t have any lights and now I won’t get any hot water, either?”

Me:“I’m sorry. What do you mean you don’t have any lights?”

Customer: “My power’s out. Now you expect me to go without hot water too?”

Me: “If your water heater is electric, it isn’t broken. It won’t work if your power’s out.”

Customer: “So, fix it!”

Me: “I’m a plumber, not electrician.”

Customer: “So, give me another type of heater!”

Me: “Do you have a natural gas line or oil tank I could connect it to?”

Customer: “No, I have electric.”

Me: “If you don’t have oil or gas, what am I supposed to hook the new heater up to?”

Customer: “I don’t know! You’re the plumber. You figure it out!”

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Pissed Off (And On)

, , | Right | November 5, 2009

(I work as a plumber for a five-star hotel. One day, I get a call from a guest with a clogged toilet.)

Me: “Ah, okay… there’s probably a bunch of hair clogged deep down in these pipes.”

Customer: “Well, can you get it out?”

Me: “Yep. One sec.”

(As I reach my hand down deep in the pipes with a rooter, I don’t notice the hotel guest turn on the water. It’s separately linked, and the water won’t activate unless flushed.)

Me: “Okay, let me see if I got it…”

(I try to pull up, but my hand gets stuck.)

Customer: “You got it?! Oh, finally! I’m going to test it out, thanks!”

Me: “No, sir, I haven’t linked the pipes back toge–”

(The customer sits down and immediately lets out a thundering fart along with a large dump of diarrhea, simultaneously flushing. My head and the entire floor are soon covered with turd and piss.)

Customer: “Oh, my… Well, I expect THIS to be complimentary!”

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…Or Look Under “C” For Clueless

, , | Right | April 17, 2008

Me: “[Plumbing company], how can I help you?”

Customer: Yeah, do you guys clean ducts?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t do that.”

Customer: “Then who does do it?”

Me: “I’m not sure but you could probably find a duct cleaning company in the phonebook.”

Customer: “Okay, how do I do that?”

Me: “Open the phonebook… and look for duct cleaning.”

Customer: “Okay, what do I look under?”

Me: *bangs head on desk* “I’m guessing the letter D might be a start…”

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A Hold Day In Hell

, | Right | March 2, 2008

(An extremely difficult older customer was waiting on hold to speak to me while I was on the line with another customer. He impatiently hung up several times and called back as though terrorizing the receptionists would get him on the phone with me any faster.)

Me: “Sorry to keep you holding, how can I help you?”

Older Male Customer: “I demand that you remove that hold music immediately because I refuse to listen to it! I also don’t appreciate waiting! I’m very busy and don’t have the time to waste to talk to you!”

Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience, but I was on the line with another customer.”

Older Male Customer: “Now I’m going to waste your time by staying on the line so you can’t take any other calls!”

Me: “Okay…”

Older Male Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

(The silence continues for several more pointless seconds.)

Older Male Customer: “Let me speak to the owner!”

Me: “Alright, he’s on the other line so it’ll just be a moment.”

Older Male Customer: “NO, I don’t want to be put on hold! I want to speak to him NOW! Just write on a piece of paper that LEONARD ***** is on the phone and go in his office and wave it in front of his face.”

(I put him on hold and he immediately hangs up and calls back screaming about having to wait. I try to transfer the call to the owner but he hangs up as soon as he’s put on hold and the cycle repeats itself.)

Me: “Sir, I -have- to put you on hold in order to transfer the call.”

Older Male Customer: “No, just transfer the call without putting me on hold!”

Me: “I’m sorry but that’s physically impossible…”

Older Male Customer: “I don’t care! Do it anyway!”

Me: *sigh*

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