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Puns To Drive You Around The U-Bend

, , , , , | Right | August 13, 2020

My daughter works for a plumbing company. She just texted me this:

Text: “Oh, my God! A customer just called and wants our plumber fired for sexual harassment because he wrote ‘water won’t come out of hot nipple’ on her service ticket!”

Me: “It’s a good thing he didn’t have to replace the ballcock in her toilet tank!”

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Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 19

, , , , | Right | July 21, 2020

A lady calls up asking for a plumber to fix her broken toilet. I tell her our hourly rate and the cost of a new ball valve. The customer sounds shocked and taken aback that a repair will cost something.

Customer: “I am not paying. Why should I pay for a faulty item?”

Me: “I am sorry, but the toilet is over fifteen years old, so we are unable to attend under warranty. Also, we didn’t fit it. We have to pay our engineer.”

Customer: “I don’t want to be billed for it.”

Me: “I am sorry. We cannot help you on this occasion, because we cannot carry out a repair for free. Our engineers want paying at the end of the month. If we did freebies for everyone, we wouldn’t have a business.”

Customer: “But it needs fixing.”

Me: “As I explained, we would be happy to repair the toilet for [amount].”

Customer: “No, I have already told you that I am not paying; why should I?!”

I am getting even more exasperated.

Me: “I am sorry. Perhaps you could try getting another company to repair a fifteen-plus-year-old toilet for free, who gets the engineer to work for free and flies to your house on a magic carpet, because we all know fuel is not free. Thank you and goodbye.”

Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 18
Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 17
Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 16
Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 15
Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 14

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Not Conditioned To This Level Of Incompetence

, , , , , | Working | December 6, 2019

This takes place in the middle of a heatwave. We discover that our water heater is leaking, so we get it replaced. Two guys come out, they get it unhooked, and they get the new one in place. Then, it’s time to get the old one out of the house. One of the guys starts pushing the old 80-gallon water heater up the stairs, but after two steps, he has enough. He throws a tantrum, saying he doesn’t want to be the one pushing it up the stairs. He throws the dolly across the basement, gouging a wall, and then he goes back into the utility part of the basement and knocks a shelf off the wall, before storming up the stairs and out of the house. The other guy apologizes for his behavior and says that he will most likely be fired for his behavior. The other guy finishes installing the water heater, but there’s an extra wire hanging down that he has no idea what it’s for since the grumpy guy didn’t label anything. He assumes it’s for nothing and leaves it. They do not take the old water heater with them when they are finished and leave.

Meanwhile, one of my mom’s friends has had his AC die, so Mom offers him our spare window unit until he can get his AC fixed. She and Dad drive it over to his house, but when they return, they notice our house is very hot. Closer inspection reveals that our AC is no longer working. Dad goes into the basement, navigating around the water heater, and sees the extra wire. He tries to fix it, but he can’t. A few angry emails and phone calls later, the company agrees to send an electrician out, even though they claim there’s no possible way the water heater guys knocked out the AC.

We bring out every fan we can find in the house to keep as cool as possible. Like I said earlier, it’s in the middle of a heatwave with real feel temperatures of 110 to 115, if not hotter. Since I overheat easily, I drive around in my car for an hour, then I head into the basement and sleep down there. 

The electrician comes out the next morning. He finds the problem and fixes it. He doesn’t charge anything, and he even takes the old water heater with him. It takes two days for the house to cool down completely.

The worst part is, the AC at my mom’s work is also broken the same week this happens, so she has zero relief from the heat.

This story is part of our Heatwave roundup!

Read the next Heatwave Roundup story!

Read the Heatwave Roundup!

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He’s Living His Pipe Dream

, , , | Working | August 28, 2019

(I work in an office with multiple restroom-blocks. One day, one is closed off due to a leak. A plumber comes and I happen to be the one to welcome him as a receptionist. The plumber goes to work, finds the leak, and fixes the leak. He has to change some pipes and comes down hauling the broken pipes.)

Me: “Whoa, that must’ve been one leak!”

Plumber: “Yeah, it was huge! Look at it!”

(He enthusiastically shows me the hole on the pipe, holding it very close to my face. Very close.)

Plumber: “You see this brown thick layer? That’s human poop. This has been accumulating for years!”

(I saw a layer from about an inch thick, and the pipe was still very close to my face. I realise this was not something I wanted to know. I quickly handed the plumber the key to our dumpster to let him dispose of it. When he came back with the key, he proudly stated that he had never seen a layer of poop this thick. The good man was clearly enthusiastic and meant no harm, but I did feel the urge to shower for a day.)

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Getting Away Was A Pipe Dream

, , , , , | Friendly | October 19, 2017

(My family has recently noticed that our water has been turning off often. For the first couple of times, we just write it off as company problems, but soon, we realize there is a problem with our plumbing. We call a plumbing company and they send out a plumber to check our attic. I am only five years old.)

Plumber: “I’ll need to check your attic pipes first, since that’s where it’s most likely to break.”

Dad: “That’ll be fine.”

(My dad shows him the way to the attic and the plumber climbs up and goes in. He stays there for a few minutes, when he suddenly screeches and practically jumps out of the attic.)

Plumber: “A spider bit me! It looked like a widow; I think I need medical help.”

(My mom, being a doctor, always has medicine for certain common things such as headache, stomach pains, and spider bite, so she lets the plumber sit on the sofa as she readies a needle, after calling an ambulance in case he needs further treatment.)

Sister: “Hey, what are you doing?!”

(The plumber has gotten up and picked up my dad’s wallet, which was on the table. He makes a run for the door.)

Dad: “Come back here!”

(My dad easily blocks him and we call the police, who identify him as a wanted thief.)

Me: “What happened? Why are they taking the pipe man away?”

Sister: “Don’t worry, [My Name]; he was a bad man, so they’re taking him to the place for bad men.”

(To this day, I still have no idea how he thought he was going to get away with it when my dad, a bulky man with at least a foot and 60 pounds on him, was standing right next to him.)

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