Pissed Off (And On)

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(I work as a plumber for a 5-star hotel. One day, I get a call from a guest with a clogged toilet.)

Me: “Ah, okay…there’s probably a bunch of hair clogged deep down in these pipes.”

Customer: “Well, can you get it out?”

Me: “Yep. One sec.”

(As I reach my hand down deep in the pipes with a rooter, I don’t notice the hotel guest turn on the water. It’s separately linked, and the water won’t activate unless flushed.)

Me: “Okay, let me see if I got it…”

(I try to pull up, but my hand gets stuck.)

Customer: “You got it?! Oh, finally! I’m going to test it out, thanks!”

Me: “No, sir, I haven’t linked the pipes back toge–”

(The customer sits down and immediately lets out a thundering fart along with a large dump of diarrhea, simultaneously flushing. My head and the entire floor are soon covered with turd and piss.)

Customer: “Oh my…well, I expect THIS to be complimentary!”

Busted Pipes

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(My dad is a plumber. One day while trying to fix a clog, he finds a whole bunch of condoms.)

Dad: “I found the cause of your clog. Next time, just throw away your condoms. They don’t dissolve, so it’s bad for the toilet.”

Customer: “But my wife and I don’t use condoms…”

(There’s an awkward silence as the customer mulls over what he’s just said.)

Customer: “I think I’ll be having a talk with my wife now.”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

…Or Look Under “C” For Clueless

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Me: “*** Plumbing, how can I help you?”

Customer: Yeah, do you guys clean ducts?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t do that.”

Customer: “Then who does do it?”

Me: “I’m not sure but you could probably find a duct cleaning company in the phonebook.”

Customer: “Ok, how do I do that?”

Me: “Open the phonebook…and look for duct cleaning.”

Customer: “Ok, what do I look under?”

Me: *bangs head on desk* “I’m guessing the letter D might be a start…”

A Hold Day In Hell

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(An extremely difficult older customer was waiting on hold to speak to me while I was on the line with another customer. He impatiently hung up several times and called back as though terrorizing the receptionists would get him on the phone with me any faster.)

Me: “Sorry to keep you holding, how can I help you?”

Older male customer: “I demand that you remove that hold music immediately because I refuse to listen to it! I also don’t appreciate waiting! I’m very busy and don’t have the time to waste to talk to you!”

Me: “I’m apologize for the inconvenience, but I was on the line with another customer.”

Him: “Now I’m going to waste your time by staying on the line so you can’t take any other calls!”

Me: “Okay…”

Him: “…”

Me: “…”

(The silence continues for another pointless several seconds.)

Him: “Let me speak to the owner!”

Me: “Alright, he’s on the other line so it’ll just be a moment.”

Him: “NO, I don’t want to be put on hold! I want to speak to him NOW! Just write on a piece of paper that LEONARD ***** is on the phone and go in his office and wave it in front of his face.”

(I put him on hold and he immediately hangs up and calls back screaming about having to wait. I try to transfer the call to the owner but he hangs up as soon as he’s put on hold and the cycle repeats itself.)

Me: “Sir, I -have- to put you on hold in order to transfer the call.”

Him: “No, just transfer the call without putting me on hold!”

Me: “I’m sorry but that’s physically impossible…”

Him: “I don’t care! Do it anyway!”

Me: *sigh*

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