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The Vapor Has Parted

| Right | July 30, 2015

(We have a strict no smoking policy. E-cigarettes have been causing problems because they look like cigarettes from far away. We’ve been told to ask the guests to be discreet with them to prevent others thinking it’s okay to smoke but they usually get defensive and berate us anyway.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is a no smoking environment. Please put that out now.”

Woman: *immediately yelling* “This is an e-cigarette! It’s not smoke! You have no right—”

Me: “I see. Ma’am, I still have to ask you to conceal it because it looks real and we can’t have people thinking it’s okay to smoke around the kids.”

Woman: “It’s not smoke! It’s vapor! You can’t do this!”

(She walks away, still yelling. A little while later she comes back.)

Woman: “I just wanted to apologize to you. You were right. I didn’t even think about what the kids would think seeing me smoking. I’m sorry.” *she walks away*

Me: *to my coworker* “I’m awake, right?”

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Breaking The Ice

| Working | February 26, 2015

(The place I work at has different areas and activities, including a kid’s play gym. There’s an employee stationed at the gate to check for socks and wristbands, and to help enforce the rules. I go down to let the employee take a break.)

Me: “Hey, I’m here to break you.”

Employee: *eyes go wide* “To WHAT me?!”

Me: “Break you? Let you go on break?”

Employee: “OH! I thought it was some sort of initiation or something… Uhm… Where do I go again?”

Me: “Up by the front counter, where you clocked in.”

(I briefly tell her how to clock out for break, and back in.)

Employee: “Uhm, thank you… Uh… How long of a break do I get?”

Me: “Half-hour to forty minutes. Try not to take longer than you need, since it’s busy.”

Employee: “Uh… thank you.”

(She leaves for break, and comes back about a half-hour later. I realize that this is her first day.)

Me: “Hey, welcome back. I’m [My Name], by the way.”

Employee: I’m [Employee]… Do I have to do anything tonight? Or…”

Me: “If you’re closing, just clean up and make sure everything’s put up. If you’re not, wait until the next person comes, then just clock out. Try to look like you enjoy your job.”

(She laughed a bit, and thanked me when she clocked out later that evening.)

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A Hole New Way Of Spelling

, | Learning | October 20, 2014

(A six-year-old girl comes up to the playground teacher.)

Girl: “That boy called me a bad name!”

Teacher: “What did he call you?”

Girl: “He called me the S-word!”

(The teacher and I look at each other a moment.)

Teacher: “What’s the S-word?”

Girl: “I can’t say it. It’s too bad!”

Teacher: “Whisper to me then.”

(Girl stands tippy-toe and whispers in Teacher’s ear, then trots away. Teacher turns to me with an odd look on her face.)

Me: “What was the word?”

Teacher: “S-hole!”

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Stoned At A Young Age

| Related | September 10, 2014

(I take my two-year-old daughter to a playground one day. On the way there she picks up something.)

Me: “What do you have there?”

Daughter: “It’s a stone!”

Me: “But your hand is empty.”

Daughter: “It’s an imaginary stone!”

(She insists on ‘carrying’ it in her hand. When we get to the playground she starts playing on one of the climbers. I noticed that she was only using one hand to hold on with.)

Me: “Would you like to hold your stone for you?”

(She ‘handed’ it to me and then used both hands afterwards.)

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Big Brother Is Watching You

| Related | May 25, 2014

(My older brother and I are very young. As our mother has been bugging my brother to take me out to the playground, he grudgingly agrees, and I happily go off with him. All was going well until I insist that my brother put me on a tire-swing, spin it, and let go. He did, and I lost my grip halfway and fell down.)

Me: *lying there, groaning in pain*

Brother: “Don’t tell mama, okay? Okay!?”

Me: *groans*

Brother: “You heard me? Don’t tell mama or I’m never bringing you out to the playground again!”

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