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Your Membership Is Dead

| Right | April 19, 2017

(I have just started as a first aider at a children’s activity centre. I have been called to a ball pit where a child has collapsed. I am doing the necessary checks when a woman, who has been there all of ten seconds, speaks up.)

Woman: “She’s dead. There’s no point in resuscitating her.”

Mother: “What? No!”

Woman: “There’s nothing you can do. She’s dead.”

Me: “Actually she’s breathing, although her pulse is low.” *radioing for an ambulance*

Woman: *to the mother* “SHE IS DEAD! Get over it. It happens all the time!”

Me: “Excuse me, madam. If you aren’t going to be helpful, could you please leave the area?”

(This shuts the woman up, but I hear her mumbling about how I should give up as she walks away. The ambulance arrives, and the girl is conscious as she is taken away. An hour later I walk into the manager’s office and the manager motions me to keep quiet before putting his call on speaker.)

Woman: “…and this man was very rude to me. I am a long-time customer, and don’t take too kindly to—”

Manager: “Yes, madam, I can understand your frustration. However I’m afraid there is very little that I can do.”

Woman: “You can do plenty! You can fire his a** or I will never bring my children there again!”

Manager: “Yes, madam, I could. However I think given the circumstances that would be highly inappropriate.”

Woman: “WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES? THAT C*** WAS F****** RUDE TO ME!”

Manager: “He also assisted in saving a young girl’s life today, the mother of which, if I understand the context of your complaint, you screamed at saying she was already dead.”

Woman: “How the f**** would you know?”

Manager: “My colleague was radioing me for an ambulance when I heard ‘SHE IS DEAD.’ While I cannot be certain, I did recognise the voice as you just shouted.”

Woman: “Well, I… f***!” *hangs up*

Me: “What kind of a**-hole does that?!”

Manager: “A special breed we like to call ‘Gold Star members.’ They’re friends of shareholders who think they run the place because they get everything for free. Never mind traumatising a poor mother; she was told to shut up, which as we all know is an unforgivable sin!”

(The manager got put on probation after the woman told her shareholder friend, but upon realising the facts the woman was banned by the shareholder. The manager was also promoted and I got a raise. The girl made a full recovery. The woman’s daughter visits the centre frequently, still being listed as a gold star member. He father comes with her now, though, instead.)

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When The Guns Are Running Hot

| Friendly | January 25, 2017

(I am about eight, and am getting targeted by the class bully. I receive two squirt guns with holsters for my birthday. One day, I wear them to the playground to play cowboy, using only one of the guns and leaving the other one holstered. The bully approaches me there, and I draw the second gun.)

Bully: “Aww, look at the widdle baby with his widdle baby gun. You gonna shoot me with it? Go on, then, baby. Shoot me!”

(He leaned forward invitingly. I squirted him full in the face. He reeled back and SCREAMED, throwing his arm over his face and crashing into a tree before running off. And that’s how he learned not to mess with a runt with a squirt gun and easy access to Tabasco sauce.)

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Oh, To Be A Kid Wanting To Be A Kid Again?

| Friendly | November 17, 2016

(I am helping my toddler climb the stairs of a play structure as two girls, no older than nine years old, run past us. One of them says this gem to the other:)

Girl: “I feel like a kid again!”

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Going Through A Spell Of Using Bad Words

| Related | July 11, 2016

(My best friend and I are both six years old and have just seen the first Harry Potter movie. He lives with his grandmother, who decides to take us to the park. This playground has a set of low-tech walkie talkies/cup phones where you can speak into one speaker and whoever is on the other speaker at the other side of the park can hear you and speak back. This conversation happens when I’m at one end and my friend and his grandma are at the other.)

Friend: “Hello.”

Me: “Hello, how are you?”

Friend: “Good. How are you?”

Me: “I’m fine.” *notices him waving his arms around* “What are you doing?”

Friend: “I’m casting spells.”

Me: *gibberish*

Friend: “What are you doing?”

Me: “I’m cursing!”

(Silence.)

Friend: “My grandma says that means you’re saying bad words.”

Me: “It is bad. You’re cursed now.”

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Young Children Are Full Of Spirit

, | Related | April 24, 2016

(My sister and I are quite religious. She mentions that she had read a story in a church magazine to my two-year-old nephew about a little boy who was scared of the monsters in his closet, so he prayed for the Holy Ghost to help him.)

Sister: “The problem is, he thinks the monsters were scared of the Holy Ghost.”

Nephew: *repeating* “Scary Holy Ghost!”

Sister: “No! It’s not scary.”

Me: “He’s not scary. He’s my friend!”

(My nephew gives us incredulous looks, then runs around the playground.)

Nephew: “Woot woot! I’m the scary Holy Ghost! I’m gonna come get you!”

(He then starts stomping around, looking very menacing and laughing maniacally. )

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