Doesn’t Meet The Minimum Standard

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | At The Checkout, Money

(I work as a cook for a very popular pizza place, and am cashing out a pick-up order for a guy who looks like he is in his 20s.)

Customer: “So, what do you make here?”

Me: “Besides pizza? Well, we have breadsticks, wings, pastas—”

Customer: “No, like money.”

Me: “Oh… well, as a cook, I make minimum wage.”

Customer: “So like, $9?”

Me: “Uh, no… $7.25.”

Customer: “Oh… never mind. I think I’ll just keep playing video games.” *takes his pizza and walks out*

Putting Common Sense Back On The Menu

| PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Popular

(My brother and I rarely get to hang out outside of work due to our schedules, so when we do, we try to make it a treat. He works the line at our pizza place and I’m a counter girl. We order from another pizza joint, having had more than enough from ours.)

Counter Girl: “Thanks for calling [Pizza Shop]. This is [Counter Girl]. What can I do for you today?”

Me: “Hi, I’d like to order a 12-inch meatball sub.”

Counter Girl: “I’m very sorry, but we don’t offer the 12-inch subs anymore. We have 8-inch and 15.”

Me: *to my brother* “They don’t have that anymore; do you want something else?” *to her* “No problem, I’ll just place the rest of the order while we figure that out.”

(I place the rest of the order while he figures out that he wants a different sub and I add that too. But meanwhile, while I’m still on the phone:)

Brother: “This is ridiculous; that was their best seller. Tell her that they need to update their website’s online menu. This is just bull-s***. I can’t believe I can’t get my sub.”

(I finish the order, relaying none of that at all.)

Brother: “You should’ve told her off. I just wanted my sandwich; she was probably too stupid to put it in properly. And update the d*** menu! If I would’ve know, we would’ve ordered somewhere else.”

Me: “Yes, I’m sure that the 18-year-old girl I spoke to made the menu changes herself. The audacity. Don’t be the kind of customer that I hate.”

(We got our order promptly and my a** of a brother actually liked what he got better than the meatball sub!)

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Timing Is All In The Delivery

| Austin, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Popular, Time

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to place an order for delivery.”

Me: “No problem. Just to let you know, our delivery time right now is approximately one-and-a-half hours tonight. Will that be all right?”

Customer: “Jesus! Why so long?”

Me: “Well, I’m the only one running the store at this time, and I’ve only got one driver. We’re rather busy so it’s creating higher delivery times. I do apologize for the wait, sir.”

Customer: “Well, yeah, I guess I’ll do that.”

(The customer orders and approximately 45 minutes later, calls back.)

Customer: “WHERE THE F*** IS MY FOOD?! I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR AN HOUR AND I WAS TOLD IT WOULD BE ONLY 30 MINUTES!”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m sorry for the wait; however, it’s been only 45 minutes and your quoted delivery time was an hour and a half. We will be there within the quoted time.”

Customer: “I JUST TOLD YOU WHAT I WAS QUOTED. ARE YOU TELLING ME I’M LYING?!”

Me: “Sir, I’m the only one here, which means that I took your order. And I told you the estimated delivery time. I apologize for the miscommunication; however, we will be there within the quoted time.”

Customer: “What in God’s name is taking so long?”

Me: “…I AM THE ONLY ONE HERE.”

Customer: “Let me speak to your manager. This is piss-poor service.”

Me: “I am the manager. I am the only person here.”

Customer: “Well, how much longer?”

Me: “The delivery time will rise as you continue to stay on the phone with me. As I cannot prepare pizzas while I am stuck on the phone.”

Customer: *hangs up*

Sandwiched Between Pizza Slices

, | VA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I’m answering phones at a local pizza joint that happens to have the word “Pizza” in its name.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Restaurant]; what can I do for you tonight?

Customer: “Well, OBVIOUSLY I want to order a pizza! Why else would I be calling [Restaurant]? Idiot…”

Me: “Right, so what size do you want?”

Customer: *silence* “…I’m not sure.”

Me: “Okay, what kind of crust?”

Customer: “Uhmmm…”

Me: “How about toppings? What toppings do you want?”

Customer: “I… I don’t know.”

Me: “We also sell sandwiches.”

Customer: “Yeah, screw it. Let me get a sandwich.”

They Must Have Misunderstood Her Delivery

| CA, USA | Food & Drink, Transportation

(We get a large delivery order for a wealthy building near NYU. A couple, two white people that looked to be in their late 40s in expensive clothes, answer the door. Behind them there is a buffet set up and people mingling.)

Woman: “Hi! Come on in!”

(I enter, putting my bags on the table. I’m about to tell them the total, but they wave me off.)

Woman: “How do you know [Host]?”

Me: “I don’t. I’m the delivery girl.”

(They laugh.)

Man: ”We know [Host] from the English department.”

Woman: “Well, I knew her at Columbia undergrad, so way back!”

Me: “Sure. I’m studying English at Hunter.”

Man: “Great! Here, let us take your coat. What’re you drinking?”

(I keep my coat and have a beer. We talk about what a drag it is reading “Heart of Darkness” every semester. The host appears.)

Man: “[Host], do you know [My Name]? She’s at Hunter studying English.”

Host: “Are you John’s girlfriend?”

Me: “No, I’m the delivery girl.”

Host: *laughs* “Have some food! Let me know when [Pizza Place] gets here. They’re always so slow Friday nights.”

Me: “[Pizza Place] has a lot of customers; it’s nothing personal. It’s [Total], and I figure I already drank my tip.”

(They laugh again, but now the host is confused. He can see the bags splashed with my restaurant’s logo behind me.)

Host: “You’re with [Pizza Place]?”

Me: “Yes. It’s [Total], please.”

(She leaves to get her purse. The couple smiles at me awkwardly and then wanders off. I pocket another beer. The host gives me $80 and good wishes for my finals. I still like to treasure the looks on their faces today!)

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