It Will Be A Cold Day In Hell Before They’re Satisfied

, , , , , | Right | January 14, 2018

(Our shop specializes in walk-in, available pizza, so we do not have our own drivers, but use a local delivery company. Customers who order delivery are told this over the phone, as they have to pay the delivery fee, as well. One cold December night, a woman orders two large meat pizzas for delivery. The pizzas are made and then sent away with a delivery company. I always make sure to put extra toppings on delivery pizzas, because our prices for large pizzas and for delivery are so high. The phone rings again, and my coworker answers. I overhear him mention the pizza box’s reheating instructions during the conversation, but I am busy focused on a task. When I wrap up what I am doing, I look over, and my poor coworker is just standing there, silent, bemused, and holding the phone. I walk over, and he wordlessly passes the phone to me. I can hear the screaming already coming through the phone. My coworker explains the issue to me in one ear while she screams through the phone into my other. Her pizzas, delivered far from the store’s location on a cold day — it was -25°C or 13°F — via a delivery company we have no control over had not arrived as fast and as hot as she was expecting. I try to speak but she keeps screaming profanities.)

Me: *trying to interject louder* “Ma’am! MA’AM, I WOULD LIKE TO HELP YOU!”

(She is not placated, and I don’t even think she heard me. Repeat. No results. She’s still screaming. Lukewarm pizza broke this woman, and it’s our fault.)

Customer: “I’M A F***ING PAYING CUSTOMER. I JUST WANT TO BE F***ING SATISFIED. SSSSAAAAATTTTISSSSFFFYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEE!”

Maybe They Were Too Baked To Notice

, , , , , | Right | January 12, 2018

(A customer comes back with pizza he ordered earlier. This is a take-and-bake pizzeria, which, of course, means they take it home and bake it in their oven.)

Customer: “I want to know who cooked this pizza. It’s cold and nasty!”

Manager: “Um… We don’t cook the pizzas here.”

Customer: “Well, whoever cooked it, it’s cold, and it’s disgusting.”

Manager: “Sir, we don’t cook the pizzas; this is a take-and-bake.”

Customer: “Well, whoever cooked it, it was terrible.”

This Takeout Thing Just Isn’t Taking

, , , | Right | January 12, 2018

(I take a phone order.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. Do you want takeout or delivery?”

Customer: “Takeout.”

(I take her name, double-check her phone number, and then take her order. I finish up her order and give her a price and the time estimate.)

Me: “Okay, thanks. Goodbye!”

Customer: “Don’t you need my address?”

Me: “Not for takeout, but if you would like to give it to me that will be fine.”

Customer: “Well, you’ll need it when you bring my order.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; I thought you wanted take out.”

Customer: “Yes. That means you take it out to my house, right?”

(I guess she thought delivery meant that she delivers herself to the store to pick it up?)

The Smell Of Cakes And Pies Is Absolutely Everywhere

, , , , , , , , | Right | January 12, 2018

(A local pizza shop is known for their creative specialty pizzas, and normally have ten or so in a display case to be sold by the slice; because the selection is always changing, it’s common for customers to ask what any given pie is. On my walk to the shop today, it started to snow.)

Me: *walks up to the counter, pointing to a pie* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: *pointing to a different pie* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: *pointing out the window at the falling snow* “There’s white things in the air…”

(The employee looks at me strangely. The gears are turning, but the light bulb hasn’t quite come on yet.)

Me: *pointing to a third pizza* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: “There’s pizza everywhere…” *points to one last pie* “What’s this?”

(At this point, the light bulb went on and the employee burst out laughing… realizing that while I’d gotten two of the lines reversed, I did indeed just run him through the first couple stanzas of “What’s This?” from “The Nightmare Before Christmas.”)

Your Complaint Is Toothless

, , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

Customer: “I need to speak with a manager.”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

Customer: “I just came and got a pepperoni and cheese pizza, and I could not eat it; I could not chew it.”

Me: “Oh, I am sorry about that. Was it too hard or burnt?”

Customer: “No, ma’am, it was cooked fine, I just don’t have any teeth and could not chew it. What are you going to do about it to fix it?”

Me: “Umm…”

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