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There Is Mushroom For Improvement, Part 6

, , , , , , | Right | October 12, 2022

I used to manage a pizza restaurant. A customer came in one night just before closing and asked what was on the combination pizza. I told him that the combo includes salami, pepperoni, mushrooms, olives, onion, sausage, beef, and linguica. He ordered a medium.

I made the pizza and cut it up and boxed it, all while the customer sat perusing our menu board (which included pictures of said combo). I handed it to him over the counter and told him to have a good night. He opened the box.

Customer: “Oh, I forgot I was allergic to mushrooms. Can you make it again without mushrooms?”

My only available reply was:

Me: “You forgot you were allergic to mushrooms after you read it on the menu, I told you about them when you asked what was on it, and you saw there is a picture of it—” *pointing* “—right there?!”

Customer: “Yeah. So, can you make another?”

Me: “No, sir, I cannot. It is past our closing, and you should have been well aware of your own food allergies when you ordered the pizza.”

I refunded him his money.

Me: “Have a good night.”

I ate his pizza with my other closing employee. It was fantastic.

Related:
There Is Mushroom For Improvement, Part 5
There Is Mushroom For Improvement, Part 4
There Is Mushroom For Improvement, Part 4
There Is Mushroom For Improvement, Part 3
There Is Mushroom For Improvement, Part 2

The Legend Of Mystery Pizza

, , , , , , | Working | October 12, 2022

I’m going to share with you some folklore from the city I was raised in. This specific piece of folklore is an establishment named Mystery Pizza. They were the most infamous pizza delivery service in town.

The first thing you need to know about Mystery Pizza is why it was a mystery. The place out of which they operated was hidden. If you could guess where they made your pizzas, you got a prize.

This led to a lot of speculation. The most common speculation I heard was that Mystery Pizza operated out of hardware stores and home improvement stores after hours and that they cooked their pizzas in propane grills.

The truth is that it operated out of the owner’s home kitchen and he valued his privacy. Eventually, he moved it to an “industrial kitchen” that was jointly used by several other businesses.

Another thing that made Mystery Pizza popular was their reputation for offering “weird” pizza. It was true that the owner was willing to put literally anything you asked for on a pizza, but what the stories don’t share is that he would charge you extra if he had to go out and buy a topping just for you.

Still, sometimes people got a craving for Poutine pizza, or Jujubees and marshmallow fluff, or whatever other drunken pizza they demanded, and the owner would happily slap on a ten-dollar surcharge and make it for them.

This wasn’t one of their original offerings, however. It started when they ran a short-term promotion called “The Mona Lisa”, which was a pizza whose ingredients were carefully arranged to look like The Mona Lisa (or if the chef wasn’t feeling up for doing The Mona Lisa, sometimes like other famous paintings).

Eventually, they stopped offering artwork pizzas, and the story got garbled into “any topping pizzas,” which the owner then took advantage of. A friend of mine once got a Tripas pizza, seasoned like the Mexican Tripa soup, but they had to pay $25 extra for it due to the specialty toppings.

The person who owned Mystery Pizza also owned a taxi company called Rainbow Taxi; their one taxi had a distinctive rainbow chequerboard pattern on it. Sometimes it was used to deliver pizzas. Sometimes you’d hail the Rainbow Taxi and find yourself sitting next to a stack of pizzas mid-delivery.

Later, the owner added a second car to his taxi fleet, a student art project he purchased from the University called The Trash Car, which had plexiglass dividers to make it possible to sit in some of the seats while the rest of the car was piled high in, well, trash — mostly paper and plastics. This vehicle was also used both for delivery and occasional passengers.

Eventually, there were changes to the law around food delivery, and the owner was no longer able to deliver food at the same time as driving passengers around. This was, apparently, the death blow to the owner’s profitability (or possibly to his enjoyment), as Mystery Pizza ceased operation soon after.

But the legends, rumors, and mysteries around it continue to this day.

Life As A Delivery Guy In Konohagakure

, , , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: beleth____ | October 1, 2022

There I was, a pizza guy in my twenties, making my runs while contemplating just how worthwhile it was to throw my life away for minimum wage, having thoroughly had it with the world as a whole, and in the sort of mood where I would gladly fistfight God himself over the slightest inconvenience.

It was all business as usual. I arrived at the house. I got out of the car, went up to the door, and rang the bell. It was all so pathetically normal. And I was wholly unprepared for what was to happen next.

The door flew open. Behind it stood a child, no more than eight years old if I were to guess. But this boy was far from innocent. His hands moved in a flash, executing signs in rapid sequence. His eyes burned bright with fighting spirit. His shrill voice cried out:

Child: “FIREBALL JUTSU!”

I was devastated. A lowly genin like me could never withstand such a flawlessly executed Katon no Jutsu — not without extensive training and chakra cultivation. From that single attack, with a cry of pain, I fell to my knees, defeated. The superior ninja eagerly took his plunder and vanished without a trace.

But before I could leave, he returned, in his hand an offering of money. His clan leaders had already paid his debts, but it seemed he hadn’t been informed, so I told him:

Me: “The Uchiha clan already took care of it.”

With a smile as bright as the rising sun, he threw down a smoke bomb and disappeared to start his next mission. And with that, I withdrew, wondering how I would ever recover from such a crippling defeat.

Sizes Are Registered

, , , | Right | September 30, 2022

A lady and her kids pop in our store to get a pizza. The lady’s kid orders a large pizza. When the pizza is made, the kid collects it and walks out of the store with the lady.

A few minutes later, the lady returns with the pizza, furious, and drops it on the counter yelling at me, because I took the order.

Customer: “My kid ordered a large pizza, and you cheated him and gave him a regular!”

I check the contents of the pizza. A slice is half eaten, but the pizza contents and size are correct.

Me: “Madam, this is the correct size pizza.”

I show her the different boxes we use for the different sizes.

Customer: “You’re just hiding the large boxes!”

Me: “Madam, what makes you think that this pizza is not large?”

Customer: “The box has ‘regular’ written over it!”

She pointed to something just underneath the logo on the box: the ® trademark symbol.

Way More Exciting Than Your Average College Party

, , , , , , , , , | Right | September 27, 2022

My roommate and I, along with a handful of other guys at the dorms, couldn’t figure out what we wanted to do on a Saturday night. We’d only been in school for about a month and some were in the mood to party.

Half of the group was begging to have us go out and find parties, but the other half of us didn’t want to. We were all freshmen, so we were only eighteen or nineteen years old and not old enough to legally drink. The handful of parties that had been going on since school started had been pranks on underage students. Basically, people old enough to buy alcohol would set up a party, invite freshmen and sophomore students, and let people get their drink on. A few hours into the party, all the people that lived at the house where the party was taking place would leave and call the cops and get all the underage students busted.

With that in mind, we all eventually just agreed not to bother with trying to find a party. None of us wanted to eat at the dorm cafeteria; the food was okay but not something we all enjoyed eating every day.

We decided to order pizza from a local pizza place about a mile away. The pizza place had a deal where you get your pizza in thirty minutes or it’s free. We put in an order for four large pizzas, and once the order was placed, we started a timer.

The pizza place was usually pretty fast, and you’d see your order at around the twenty-minute mark. Twenty minutes came and went, and there was no pizza delivery guy yet. Then, twenty-five minutes and still no delivery guy.

Some of us were getting excited; it might be free pizza night if the delivery guy didn’t show up in the next five minutes. We all went outside to wait.

When the pizza place had three minutes left, some random student came from around the corner of the dorm building, laughing.

Student: “Come look at this pizza guy running up the street!”

We all went around the corner and, sure enough, there was a pizza delivery guy holding up a bag of pizzas and running up the sidewalk at a full sprint.

One of the guys in our group started a countdown to the thirty-minute mark when there were only thirty seconds left. The pizza guy came around the corner of the dorm building as fast as his feet could carry him. He stopped in front of the building, took a second to catch his breath, and belted out:

Pizza Guy: “I have a delivery for [Student Who Ordered]!”

Countdown Guy: “That’s for us! You only had seven seconds left before the thirty-minute delivery time was up!”

Pizza Guy: “My car wouldn’t start, and I only had about five minutes left to get the pizzas to you, so I just started running!”

We were pretty impressed that he had run almost a full mile in about five minutes, all while carrying four large pizzas. We didn’t have much money between us, but we ended up tipping him about an extra $20 for the hard work he put in to get the pizzas to us in time.