Google What Jabbering Means

, , , | Right | October 9, 2018

(I work in a popular restaurant specializing in pizza that is often busy to the point where we have people lining out the door. During one of these rushes a middle-aged woman and three children ages seven to ten walk in. The customer walks up to the counter while her children remain at the entrance fighting and generally causing a ruckus.)

Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I have a pickup for [Customer].”

(I search for the name and ask for a phone number, but can find neither in our system.)

Me: “Do you know what number you called?”

Customer: “I called this store! Isn’t it [number that belongs to a sister location]?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that isn’t our number. That is the number for [sister location]. If you look up our location on Google, for some reason Google has their number under our name–“

Customer: *holds up a finger to me* “I’m going to just stop you right there, because I’m in a bad mood, and you jabbering at me isn’t helping!”

Me: *shocked into silence*

(She calls her husband and argues with him on the phone for a bit before demanding a manager. Our manager is out, so our assistant manager takes over, offering to call the sister location and cancel her order so that we can make it, instead, which would take about ten to fifteen minutes. While he’s at it, he also explains to her what I just tried to explain.)

Customer: “That’s not right! You guys should change that!”

Assistant Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We have tried contacting Google multiple times about changing it to the right number, but we haven’t gotten any results.”

Customer: “It’s still not right! Ugh, I’m just going to drive all the way to the other store. I’m not waiting that long just to get my food! You guys need to fix that number!”

(She leaves, yelling at her kids to shut up before exiting.)

Assistant Manager: “Yes, because we have the power to control Google.”

Me: “Honestly, it would’ve taken her longer to drive to the other store than for us to make her food, but I’m glad she decided to leave; I did not want to deal with her anymore. Who says ‘jabbering’ anymore?!”

(I haven’t seen her since.)

Mr. Pizza Man Makes The Best Pizzas!

, , , , | Right | October 3, 2018

(I’m on the phone with a customer.)

Me: “Okay, is there anything else you’d like to add?”

Customer: “Could you throw in an order of breadsticks, and—”

Little Kid: “Hi, Mr. Pizza Man!”

Customer: “Get off the phone!”

(I was laughing through the rest of the order.)

No Pizza Is Worth Drunk Driving For

, , , , , , | Right | October 2, 2018

(I work at a family-run pizza shop on a busy Saturday night. The owner is helping to take calls and she receives one from a drunk customer complaining. She says she will wait for the customer to come to the store to talk to him. Five hours pass, and he is a no-show, so the owner heads home while we lock up. Ten minutes after she leaves, a car comes screeching into the parking lot and a man steps out. He almost immediately begins to berate our cashier as our remaining customers watch.)

Customer: “Where the f*** is that b****? She said she’d be here for me! G***d*** liar.”

(I step in to save our poor cashier, and I can smell the booze on him from across the counter. The cashier, meanwhile, is calling the cops to tell them about the man driving drunk.)

Me: “You must be [Customer]. She did wait for you, sir, but you told her you were on your way hours ago. She could not wait any longer for you, but I can help if you lower your voice for our other customers.”

Customer: “F*** you, you Nazi piece of s***. You and that b**** are just a couple of [anti-semitic slur] crooks. This whole place is full of Nazis. Give me my money, you [homophobic slur]!”

Me: “That is enough, sir. You can either leave now, wait for the police to come, or have our driver, the former Marine, escort you out physically. Either way, you have been barred from this restaurant.”

(He cursed a few times, called me and everyone else a Nazi again, despite me being Hispanic, then spun out of the parking lot. He was pulled over a block later by the police.)

Customers Are Like Angels With Filthy Souls

, , , , | Right | September 10, 2018

(I have a friend who is not well versed in ‘90s and early ‘00s pop culture references. She works delivery for a pizza chain, and prides herself on being prompt and accurate with orders. One December night, she approaches a house and, after a fairly pleasant exchange with the customer, this happens:)

Customer: *throws money at her and slams door shut* “KEEP THE CHANGE, YA FILTHY ANIMAL!”

Friend: “UM?”

(Not knowing what’s happening, she texts me.)

Friend: “I don’t know how to feel right now. And I quote: ‘Keep the change you filthy animal!’?”

Me: *after I finish dying laughing* “It’s a Home Alone reference.”

Friend: “Really? I was traumatized.”

Don’t N-able That Word

, , , , , | Working | September 7, 2018

(One of my first days working at a pizzeria, I take a pickup order over the phone. All is normal until I ask his name.)

Me: “Okay, and your name, please?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s N****r.”

Me: “Uh, sorry? What was that?”

Customer: “It’s N****r.”

Me: *thinking I’ve misheard* “And can you spell that, please?”

Customer: “Ah, just put [Customer]. You must be new, eh?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am. Your order will be ready in about 25 minutes.”

(A half-hour later, a man walks in the front door. The restaurant manager sees him, walks to the front, and yells:)

Manager: “HEY, N****R! What’s going on?!”

(I am shocked and mortified, and then they both start laughing.)

Manager: “Hey, [My Name], this is N****r. We’ve called him that since he was a kid because in the summer he would tan so dark he looked like a—”

Me: “—please don’t say that word again. There are children and people of other races in the dining room.”

Manager: “We’ve been calling him that for nearly forty years. Nobody ever got upset. Just relax.”

(Thankfully, I was able to move on to a much better job in my chosen field, while the restaurant was sold and reopened with new owners and new management.)

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