Their Comprehension Is Limited

| MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Money, Technology

(I’m a manager of a small pizzeria. Our coupons do not have expiration dates, but do specify “for a limited time only; all prices subject to change without notice.”)

Customer #1: “I got this coupon for $11.99.”

Me: “I’m sorry, that offer has expired. The combo is now $12.99, so it will just be a dollar more.”

Customer #2: *evidently grabs phone from [Customer #1]* “HEY! You gotta accept this coupon because there’s no expiration date on it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, that was for a limited time. We no longer have that offer. It’s now $12.99.”

Customer #2: “Nope, it doesn’t have an expiration date! All it says is, “limited time offer; prices subject to change without notice.” SEE, it doesn’t have a date on it! So you gotta take it.”

(After this goes on a couple of more rounds, she angrily accepted it, and let me know she’ll be contacting the owner.)

A Deliveryman AND A Lobbyist

| Madison, WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(There are several nice dorm-style residences nearby that don’t allow delivery drivers to go directly to the rooms. We don’t mind, because not having our drivers go up and down 10 stories saves us a little bit of time on deliveries. The phone rings.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Pizza Shop]; what can I do for you today?”

Caller: “Yes, can you explain why someone just called me from a number I don’t recognize, and said that he’d wait for me in the lobby?! What do I do?”

Me: “Oh, no, maybe he got the wrong phone number. I’m sorry, it must be very creepy to have someone call you out of the blue and say they’ll meet you in the lobby when you didn’t even order pizza! Thanks for letting me know.”

Caller: “What? No, I ordered pizza!”

Me: “Oh, I misunderstood.”

Caller: “I guess so. What do I do? Why’s my pizza taking so long?”

Me: “The person who called you and said they’d meet you in the lobby… Did they say that they were calling from [Pizza Shop]?”

Caller: “Yes! It was so weird! I don’t know what to do!”

Me: “Well, I think that was our delivery driver. He uses his cell phone to call people, so it won’t show up as being this same number. I think you should probably go down to the lobby, since it sounds like he’s waiting for you with your pizza.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. It’s so confusing.”

Ebola, E-Coli, And Strep, Oh My

| Canada | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

(A customer orders a vegetarian pizza and he insists that we put quadruple cheese on it.)

Me: “Well, I would not recommend that, sir, since the dough won’t cook properly if we do.”

Customer: “I don’t care; it’s what I want!”

Me: “Okay, then…”

(I make the pizza the way he wants it and he takes it home. About a half hour later the guy calls back demanding to talk to the manager.)

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but we close soon and the manager will not be in until tomorrow. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Your pizza made us all sick! We took one bite and now we all have salmonella! I want my money back!”

Me: “Umm… sir, salmonella is caused by meat or raw eggs… and you got a vegetarian pizza. Also it would probably take longer than the time you had to eat it to get sick.”

Customer: “Fine! We got… streptococcus!”

Me: “We gave you strep throat… with a pizza?” *I think he meant staphylococcus*

Customer: “No, no… it’s… I know what it is… it’s Ebola!”

Me: *at this point I am trying not to crack up* “So… you have a hemorrhagic fever? I would highly recommend you going to the doctor and not bother to call us, sir. But I think you mean E coli… and that comes from under-cooked meat or contaminated food… and it takes about two to three days to show symptoms… Now, if you are talking about the under-cooked dough, I warned you about that, but the worst you could get from that is maybe a little indigestion.”

Customer: “How do you know about all those diseases?!”

Me: “It was a slow night last night and I read one of our food prep guides, and it had a section on food poisoning and how to avoid it… Now, is there anything else I can help you with, sir?”

(By this point I am putting on my sweet-as-pie voice.)

Customer: *long pause and then a sheepish voice* “No… thank you. Have a good night.” *hangs up*

In For A Penny…

| TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

(I’ve been working as a pizza delivery driver for about two months, and I take pride in finding customers’ homes quickly and calling them if I don’t. This night, after going up and down a very dimly lit street looking for the house number for about ten minutes, after two trips past where the house should have been, I call the customer from my cell phone and get no answer. Finally, someone picks up.)

Customer: “Who the h*** is this and why the h*** do you keep calling me?!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry. I’m from [Pizza Place] looking for [Customer]. Is this the right number?”

Customer: “Yeah. Where the f*** is my pizza?”

Me: “I’m having a little difficulty locating your house. I’m at the corner of [Street #1] and [Street #2]. Can you point me in the right direction?”

Customer: “It’s two blocks down. Can’t you f****** read?”

Me: “The street two blocks down is completely dark. Can you turn your light on for me?”

Customer: “Fine. Hurry the h*** up.”

(Five minutes later, I’m two blocks down, and still no lights. So I call again. Apparently seeing my number again, the customer comes outside.)

Me: “Here’s your pizza. The total is $24.99.”

Customer: *hands over $25* “So f****** expensive. You can keep the change as your tip.”

(Normally, I don’t have coin change on me. That night, I happened to have a penny in my pocket from where I’d picked it up off the floorboard of my car earlier. Before he could turn away, I dug in my pocket and slapped it on top of the pizza box.)

Me: “No, sir, you can keep it; you obviously need it more than I do.”

(Before he can answer, I turn away and get in my car. When I get back to the store, my manager calls me into the back.)

Manager: “I just got a phone call about you. Apparently you were rude and abusive to a customer?”

Me: *explains situation from beginning* “So, I told him he could keep the penny.”

Manager: *dies laughing* “Good for you! I’m putting him on the ‘do not deliver’ list. If he wants pizza he can come get it himself.”

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Your Demand Is Not Kosher

| Seattle, WA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

Me: “Hello, [Pizza Place].”

Caller: “You guys delivered the wrong order to me!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Can I get some details from you?”

(I get the caller’s name and address and look them up in the system.)

Me: “So you ordered a vegetarian special? What did you receive?”

Caller: “We got sausage with the vegetables! We are Jewish! How dare you insult us by putting pork products on our pizza!”

Me: “I assure you, we did not intend to offend you in anyway. I see here that you’re in an area we deliver a lot to, meaning our delivery drivers tend to have more than one pizza on their runs at a given time. It’s possible they accidentally mixed up your order with someone else’s.”

Caller: “I still think I deserve to be compensated!”

Me: “Certainly, just bring the pizza back and we’ll make you a fresh one with no pork, free of charge.”

Caller: “What? That doesn’t do me any good!

Me: “Uh, and why’s that?”

Caller: “Well, we were starving so we ate the whole thing already. Giving us another pizza is pointless because we aren’t hungry anymore!”

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