(It’s Christmas Eve and there is a long line of customers who are now waiting to pay. A little girl cuts to the front while I am giving a guy a drink refill.)

Little Girl’s Mom: *to the refill guy* “UGH! Did you just cut her?”

(The mom smacks the guy on the head; surprisingly, he just walks off with his soda.)

Me: “What can I get you?”

Little Girl’s Mom: “Don’t ask me, ask her! She’s your customer; you should be asking her. God, it’s people like you who ruin the holidays!”

Me: *to the little girl* “Okay, what would you like?”

(The little girl just stares blankly at me while customers are becoming pissed.)

Little Girl’s Mom: *coming clean* “Just give me a diet [Soda]. It’s for me.”

(I work at a well-known pizza chain; let’s call it Daddy Jim’s.)

Customer: “I’d like a large sausage and ham pizza and a large Italian Meats Trio.”

Me: “Alright, your total is [total]. We’ll have it out there in about 45 minutes.”

(An hour later as I arrive back from the delivery, the store receives a phone call from the same customer.)

Customer: “Yeah, hi. I ordered an Italian Meats Trio pizza, and you guys got it wrong.”

Me: “How did we get it wrong?”

Customer: “Well, it has sausage, ham, and some other s*** on it.”

Me: “Is the ham kind of orange?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Is the sausage peppered and brownish-orange?”

Customer: “Uh… yeah.”

Me: “Is the other stuff salami?”

Customer: “Yeah! What the h***?”

Me: “Well, the orange ham is Italian ham, the sausage is Italian sausage, and you say there’s Italian salami.”

Customer: “Yeah, so what?”

Me: “That’s three Italian meats… Italian Meats Trio.”

Customer: “Well if I had known that, I wouldn’t have ordered a sausage and ham pizza too!”

Me: “Well maybe you should have some idea of what you’re ordering before you order it.”

Customer: “Well, why didn’t you guys tell me?!”

Me: “Because you ordered it. You didn’t ask about it.”

Customer: *click*

My Loud Manager: “F****** morons! I hate this job!”

(A hospital calls to order pizza.)

Manager: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place], would you like to try the Superhero Special?”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Manager: “It’s an extra-large, three-topping pizza that comes with a coupon for the Spiderman 3 DVD.”

Customer: “…the pizza’s delivered by Spiderman!?”

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Me: “Welcome to [Pizza], how can I help you?”

Customer: *sincerely* “Do you have any Chinese food?”

Me: “Errr… no.”

Customer: *still earnest* “Ohhh… really? What about Thai food?”

Me: “Oh! Yes.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “No. Not really. Just pizza.”

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Customer: “I’d like a Chicken Kiev pizza, without chicken, garlic or sweetcorn. And throw some ham on there.”

Employee: “So, you want a ham pizza?”

Customer: “Yeah, why not.”