This Takeout Thing Just Isn’t Taking

, , , | Right | January 12, 2018

(I take a phone order.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. Do you want takeout or delivery?”

Customer: “Takeout.”

(I take her name, double-check her phone number, and then take her order. I finish up her order and give her a price and the time estimate.)

Me: “Okay, thanks. Goodbye!”

Customer: “Don’t you need my address?”

Me: “Not for takeout, but if you would like to give it to me that will be fine.”

Customer: “Well, you’ll need it when you bring my order.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; I thought you wanted take out.”

Customer: “Yes. That means you take it out to my house, right?”

(I guess she thought delivery meant that she delivers herself to the store to pick it up?)

The Smell Of Cakes And Pies Is Absolutely Everywhere

, , , , , , , , | Right | January 12, 2018

(A local pizza shop is known for their creative specialty pizzas, and normally have ten or so in a display case to be sold by the slice; because the selection is always changing, it’s common for customers to ask what any given pie is. On my walk to the shop today, it started to snow.)

Me: *walks up to the counter, pointing to a pie* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: *pointing to a different pie* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: *pointing out the window at the falling snow* “There’s white things in the air…”

(The employee looks at me strangely. The gears are turning, but the light bulb hasn’t quite come on yet.)

Me: *pointing to a third pizza* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: “There’s pizza everywhere…” *points to one last pie* “What’s this?”

(At this point, the light bulb went on and the employee burst out laughing… realizing that while I’d gotten two of the lines reversed, I did indeed just run him through the first couple stanzas of “What’s This?” from “The Nightmare Before Christmas.”)

Your Complaint Is Toothless

, , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

Customer: “I need to speak with a manager.”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

Customer: “I just came and got a pepperoni and cheese pizza, and I could not eat it; I could not chew it.”

Me: “Oh, I am sorry about that. Was it too hard or burnt?”

Customer: “No, ma’am, it was cooked fine, I just don’t have any teeth and could not chew it. What are you going to do about it to fix it?”

Me: “Umm…”

Can’t Argue With Your Dry Reasoning

, , , , | Working | January 10, 2018

(We have just received a pizza delivery from a large chain pizza place. One of the pizzas does not have sauce, and the other only barely does. We call in.)

Me: “Yes, we just ordered pizza and the pizzas don’t have sauce.”

Pizza Guy: *shouting across the restaurant* “They got a pizza with no sauce!”

Pizza Manager: *after getting my information* “Ma’am, I made that pizza myself. That kind of sauce is very thin and light, and hard to find. We’re putting the regulation amount of sauce on.”

(My husband takes the phone.)

Husband: “We got this order last week and the sauce was fine. Now, there isn’t any.”

Pizza Manager: “Well, since I joined the team, just recently, we’ve had to crack down on people using far too much sauce. It costs [amount] for each bottle of sauce, and putting extra on costs the store [amount], which means that the owner is losing between $500 and $600 between all his restaurants from this.”

Husband: “Then I think we will have to find a different place to get pizza.”

Pizza Manager: “I’m sorry to hear that, but remember that you can select extra sauce when you order your pizzas, at no extra charge.”

Husband: *hangs up* “Why, if it costs nothing to get extra sauce, does putting enough sauce on the pizza cost the owner hundreds of dollars?”

(We go back to eating our dry pizza.)

No Pizza Is Worth This Much

, , , , , , , , | Romantic | January 2, 2018

(I am a 19-year-old female living with my girlfriend. My girlfriend has anxiety and can’t stand it when a man comes near her. Recently, my girlfriend got sick and was hospitalized. To celebrate her recovery and her arrival home, we order pizza. When the pizza arrives, I am on the phone with my dad asking him to bring something for tomorrow.)

Me: “Babe, can you get the door? I’m on the phone.”

(As she goes to the door, she sees it’s a guy. She whimpers and runs back into the kitchen where I’m standing.)

Girlfriend: “[My Name], it’s a man. I can’t do this.”

Me: “It’s okay, babe. I got it.”

(I hang up and go to answer the door. The delivery guy is short, baby-faced, and looks like he’s just started his first year of university. As soon as he sets his gaze on me, I see the wheels in his head start turning.)

Delivery Guy: “Took you long enough!”

Me: “I’m very sorry. I was on the phone.”

Delivery Guy: “I guess I could let it slide if I could… sit in and eat this with you? You’re my last delivery for the night.”

(He smirks and I roll my eyes.)

Me: “No, thank you. I’m good. How much will it be, then?

Delivery Guy: *holding my pizza away from me* “Aw, come on! You are smoking! It’s free if I can get your number and a kiss.” *winks*

(I am so over this guy. I start digging through my wallet and pull out enough to cover it.)

Me: “I’m really not interested.”

Delivery Guy: “Aww. Well, then, maybe just your number? Come on, sweetie. I can show you a good time!”

(He hands me my pizza. I roll my eyes.)

Me: “Look, I’m just trying to have a nice night in with my girlfriend. Here’s your money.”

(His eyes are as big as saucers as he realizes his mistake.)

Delivery Guy: “Eww! I just hit on a [slur]!”

(He then took off running down the hall… without his money. Hey, horny delivery boy, thanks for the free pizza!)

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