We Could Give You Your Raw Dough Since That’s All We Can Make In Five Minutes

, , , | Right | December 13, 2018

(I’m in a local pizza parlor. I have just stopped at the grocery store next door for some things, so rather than get delivery, I am just going to bring the pizza home. While waiting for it to be finished, another customer comes storming in.)

Customer: “Where’s my d*** pizzas?!”

(The girl at the register looks startled, but I half-hear the guys in the back say something like, “Not again.”)

Worker: “I’m sorry, what name was it ordered under?”

Customer: “The same name I always order it under, and you always take too d*** long!

Worker: “I really am sorry that it took too long, but we’re very busy, and we’ve been telling everyone orders will be at least forty-five minutes to an hour.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know, and that’s too long! I’ve been waiting at least that much! Where’s my order for [several pizzas]?!”

(One of the guys making the pizzas pipes up.)

Cook: “Probably at your front door; the driver left with it about three minutes ago.”

Customer:Bull! I know you lazy b*****ds are just standing around and—”

(Right on cue, his cell phone goes off. He answers angrily and stomps around the eating area while yelling back and forth. While he is doing so, the owner of the business comes out of the back.)

Customer: “I demand to be compensated for this!”

Owner: “No. Every two weeks you pull this nonsense, and every two weeks we tell you the same thing; you’re not getting free pizza because you think you’re special and we’ll magically make five pizzas in half the time it takes to make one! Especially in the middle of the football playoffs!”

Customer: “That’s what these are for; we’re trying to watch it at my house!”

Me: “These guys make some of the best pizza I’ve ever had; are you actually surprised that they get busy, especially at a time like this?! If you know it’s going to take an hour to get to you, then order an hour sooner! Stop making those of us that want to order look bad, and use your d*** head!”

(The customer didn’t get his free pizza, had to wait for the driver to get back, and took it home himself. I got a fist-bump from one of the cooks, and the owner handed me a bottle of soda; apparently being a regular that helps out is a better way to get stuff than being a jacka**!)

Unfiltered Story #131676

, , | Unfiltered | December 9, 2018

(A group of friends and I just placed an order for collection from a pizza place round the corner. They have a special collection offer for £5 per pizza, and the site is also running an additional 20% off offer if you spend over £30. Consequently I add a few items to get it over that. I receive a phone call a few minutes after placing the order.)

Worker – We have to reject your order. The offer you’ve used isn’t valid.

Me – (forgetting about the 20% off) No, it’s okay, we’re coming to pick them up.

Worker – No, that offer isn’t valid for collection.

Me – Your collection offer isn’t valid for collection.

(This goes on for several minutes.)

Worker – No, maam. The offer isn’t valid. It clearly states it’s only valid for delivery.

Me – (finally finding the bit about the other offer) Oh. Ohhhh. Oh. Sorry! Can we just bring the extra cash when we come pick it up.

Worker – (possibly slightly exasperated) Sure.

(I’m not normally that blonde, honest!)

These Are Not Telling Times

, , , , | Right | December 8, 2018

(A customer starts banging violently on the counter.)

Customer: “Hey! Where’s my pizza? I’d like to get home and eat before tomorrow morning, you know!”

Me: “Sir, it’s Saturday night. I told you we were busy when you came in to order and that it’d be around thirty minutes.”

Customer: “So?”

(I nod to the clock on the wall beside him.)

Me: “So, it’s only been about ten minutes since you came in to order.”

(The customer glances at the clock, then at me again.)

Customer: “Oh, give me a break. Do I look like I can tell time?”

(He looked, at least, to be in his mid-30s.)

Revenge: A Pizza Best Served Cold

, , , , | Right | December 7, 2018

(I am working on a fairly busy night, while my coworker is on their last break. Though we are a gas station, we serve pizza, and since it’s a small town, we are the best place to even get pizza. Someone calls in an order and I give them an estimated time of thirty-five minutes, based on customer flow. My partner comes back, and I am able to start early. Ten minutes after the call was placed, a customer comes in.)

Customer: “Hey! I’m here for my pizza!”

Me: *laughing* “Man, you’re super early! But, you’re in luck, it’s not going to be thirty-five after all, it’ll be done in about ten.”

Customer: “What are you talking about? I called in an order like forty minutes ago.”

(I am now very confused. We have two phones in the store, and each is a separate number. I’ve had only the one call all night for pizza.)

Me: “No… You called in about ten minutes ago. Remember? You ordered [pizza].”

Customer: “What? No! I ordered [completely different pizza]!”

(He’s getting agitated, and I’m not sure if I should continue the pizza. I ask my coworker and the shift manager if either of them had gotten busy and forgotten to tell me about another pizza order. Neither had.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we’ve only had one call today. Did you call the other side of the store?”

Customer: “Oh, my God! No! I called here and spoke directly to your kitchen!”

(Our “kitchen” is the other end of the cash register counter. I look back at it and motion to it.)

Me: “That’s our kitchen. We only have the one phone, and I would have taken the call.”

Customer: “I don’t believe this! LOOK! THIS IS YOUR NUMBER! THIS IS THE NUMBER I CALLED!”

(He shoves his phone in my face, and I don’t recognize the number he called. I don’t even recognize the area code.)

Me: “Hey, [Shift Manager]? Which town has the area code [code]?”

Shift Manager: “[Town thirty minutes away].”

Customer: “Okay, you know what? I’m calling, and I’m going to get an apology, and my pizza for free for this bulls***!”

(He dials the number.)

Customer: “Hello! I called in for [Pizza]… Yes, that’s me. Hey, where is your store located?” *gives me a smug look, then his face just falls* “Oh. No, I’ll be there, sorry. Thank you.” *hangs up and leaves without another word*

That’s A Negative On The Math Jokes

, , , , , , , | Working | November 29, 2018

(As I man the cut table, the boss and the manager are making pizza and chatting.)

Boss: “I’ve heard it called the Deluxe, the Supreme, and the Garbage pizza, but after fourteen years in the business, this is the first time I’ve ever heard of it referred to as an Absolute Pizza.”

Me: “Does that mean it has the same value whether it’s negative or positive?”

Boss: “Definitely.”

Manager: “Look, I love bad math jokes more than most, but that one’s not worth a response.”

Me: “So, I could go to a customer and demand they pay up their negative Absolute Pizza? ‘Thanks for ordering; that’ll be $24.99, and you now owe me a pizza.'”

Manager: *glaring at boss* “You. YOU DID THIS.”

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