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Green Ink

, , , , , | Right | August 19, 2026

I remember when I was a teen, working at a late-night pizza slice place to help pay for college. A group of girls came in for some slices and tried something with the worst possible choice of worker:

The girls order their pizzas, and then one of them turns around and shows off a tattoo of a pizza slice on her lower back.

Customer: “Because I literally have this inked permanently on my body, I can get my pizza for free, right?”

My coworker nonchalantly turns around and shows off her own lower back tattoo, this time showing a wad of cash.

Coworker: “Because I literally have this inked permanently on my body, I can get payment for the pizza, right?”

The girl was frozen; her face was blue-screening while her friends just laughed their a**es off and made fun of her. Definitely one of my more memorable memories of the late nineties!

Getting A Pizza My Wallet

, , , , | Friendly | August 6, 2026

This story reminded me of what happened to me recently but in reverse.

Some friends and I were touring the Lower East Side of Manhattan, visiting from the middle of the country. We all get a craving for pizza. We walked past a pizza place that smelled amazing. It was mouthwatering, so we went inside, and we started to look through the menu, which was extensive.

Friend #1: “Oh wow, they have a seafood section!”

Me: *Having forgotten my glasses.* “I love seafood! What are the options?”

Friend #2: “Oh woooow. They have a shrimp and lobster black truffle alfredo.”

Me: “On a pizza? That sounds amazing! How much is it?”

Friend #1: “$18.75.”

Me: “For real? They must be using fake truffle oil and the canned seafood or something, but I’m too hungry to argue. Sounds good to me!”

My friend orders and pays. We’re standing there, seeing these other huge pizzas come and go, and salivating at the prospect of biting into ours… 

And then the guy working the counter hands us a single slice. 

One single slice of amazing-looking and smelling pizza, but a single slice, nonetheless.

Me: “Uh… where’s the rest of it?”

Employee: “What rest of it? Your friend ordered a single slice.”

Friend #1: “No, I paid $18.75.”

Employee: “Yeah, that’s the price for a slice.”

Friend #1: “$18.75… for a slice?!”

Friend #2: “How… how much for a whole pie?”

Employee: “$112.50.”

We all stare at each other, half in shock and half laughing.

Me: “We’re not in Kansas anymore!”

My friends with the eyesight look at the menu, and then notice the two pricing columns, one for a slice and one for a whole pie. They both didn’t even look at the whole pie column because the assumption was that $18.75 couldn’t possibly be the price for a single slice.

Me: “Okay, let’s split this slice, but can we re-order a reasonably priced pie now?”

Friend #1: “Ooh! They also have lobster and crab black truffle alfredo!”

Friend #2: “Have you learned nothing?! We just got charged $18.75 for a slice of almost the same thing; you think they’d let you get a whole pie for $16.75? Dart your eyes literally inches to the right!”

Friend #1: “Oh… it’s $116.50.”

Then his eyes light up again.

Friend #1: “Oh… they have truffle and—”

Friend #2 & Me: “—Stop looking at the truffle!”

We ended up with another of their speciality pizzas, which was still amazing. Sweet chili oxtail, $12.50 a slice, or $75 for the whole pie. We were tourists; we enjoyed it, and we had a story to tell when we got home about how our friend accidentally ordered the triple-digit pizza.

You’re Still A Pizza The Problem

, , , | Right | August 3, 2026

Customer: “I want to order [pizza].”

Me: “Is that for delivery or collection, ma’am?”

Customer: “Delivery. Address is [five miles away]. I’m trying to reduce my carbon footprint by not driving out to you.”

Me: “Ma’am, you do realize we will still need to drive the pizzas out to you?”

Customer: “I’m trying to reduce my carbon footprint. Not yours.”

This Pizza Party Is Going To Hit A Little Different

, , , , , , , | Right | August 2, 2026

CONTENT WARNING: Mention of death.

 

We’re having a normal early evening doing normal early evening things when a woman walks in; I would have sworn she was in the wrong place. We’re a clean place but a bit shabby – we make great pizza, but it’s definitely not a fancy joint.

This woman is in a business suit and heels, carrying a bag the counter girl told me later costs more than my fairly decent and newish car.

She walked up to the counter and smiled.

Fancy Customer: “Hello, is the manager in by chance?”

Oh dear. Alarm bells already ringing. We summoned the flour-covered manager from where he was prepping dough.

Fancy Customer: “I’m very sorry to pull you away from your work, I just need a moment of your time. How much notice would you need for eighty pizzas delivered twice a day for three days?”

Four hundred and eighty. Pizzas. To date, our biggest catering order ever was for a BIG wedding, and it was sixty pies.

My manager manages to shake off his stunlock long enough to answer.

Manager: “Well, that’s… a lot of pizza. I would need at least a month’s notice to make sure I could get all the ingredients on hand at once, plus the staff required; we’d need… probably a van, I think, I can’t imagine it’d fit in a car…”

The woman nods along, never breaking a pleasant face.

Fancy Customer: “All perfectly understandable. Of course you would need to charge accordingly for all that; I’m happy to give you time to run the numbers. Could we possibly organize it for the 12th, 13th and 14th of November?”

It was June.

Manager: “I… yes, that’s plenty of notice. What kind of pizza were you wanting?”

Fancy Customer: “Oh, a mix of everything. I understand you likely can’t offer gluten-free from a shared kitchen, but definitely some vegetarian and vegan options would be wonderful. Whatever your best sellers are would be fine.”

The manager asks her to hold on for just a moment while he goes to the office and calls the owner to ask about a fair price. The owner is as baffled as we are. While the woman is waiting, she actually looks at the menu board and orders from our shell-shocked cashier. We all go back to what we were doing while the woman patiently takes a seat and scrolls on her phone. The manager reappears.

Manager: “Sorry. This wasn’t quite a scale we’re used to. The owner is on his way down now to hammer out the details with you, but I’d like to warn you, the numbers he was throwing around were… high. And he said he’d definitely need a deposit.”

Fancy Customer: *Waves a silver credit card.* “I will happily pay up front.”

I don’t know anything about credit cards, but my manager said it was some very fancy kind that doesn’t have a pre-set limit that they basically only hand out to people who make my yearly wage in a week.

The owner comes down and embarrassedly invites the woman into the somewhat messy and cluttered office to talk through the order. She reappears to collect her pizza and leaves, smiling and warmly thanking us on her way out. The owner is standing in the doorway holding the credit card receipt and looking like he might cry.

Manager: “So we’re doing it? Where’s it going?”

Owner: “The… the hospital. Her little boy drowned a few years ago. For his birthday every year, she organizes food for a few days for everyone working. Lunch and dinner so people don’t miss out, to thank them for trying so hard to save him. Some of the pizzas go to the ambulance base and the fire station that sent the crews out.”

We were all very quiet for a few minutes. We found out she usually goes to the hospital and just asks a few random staff what their favourite food is to grab after a shift – she’d just fluked that two people she asked were our regulars.

It was hard when November rolled around – but we did it with minimal hiccups and the hospital staff got their food. If I ever have that kind of money, I hope I use it on stuff like this. Happy birthday, Daniel – I’ll be thinking of you this November.

Questions That Leave You Stumped

, , , , | Right | July 29, 2026

I work at an organic wood-fired pizza restaurant.

Customer: “So, how are the pizzas baked?”

Me: “In our firewood oven.”

Customer: “Is the firewood all natural?”

Me: “As opposed to…?”

Customer: “Fake!”

Me: “The wood we use to heat the ovens is not fake, sir.”

Customer: “Hmm… well, it better be! I can taste it when fake wood has been used!”