Online Offers To An Offline Brain

, , , , | Right | June 26, 2018

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. Will this be for delivery or carry-out tonight?”

Customer: “Neither, I want carry-out.”

Me: “All right. Can I get a phone number, please?”

Customer: “I don’t know my phone number.”

Me: “We need a number to make an account so we can call you back if there is an issue.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know it.” *yelling to someone else* “HEY! WHAT’S MY NUMBER?!” *muffled response from background* “Does no one know my number? Whatever, I’ll give them my mom’s. It’s–” *says number so fast it’s impossible to understand*

Me: “Could you repeat that for me?”

(The customer sighs and repeats the number slowly with an attitude.)

Me: “Can I get your name?”

Customer: “It’s [Name #1]. Oh you know what, [Name #2]. Or how about just [Name #3].”

Me: “Okay, what can I…”

Customer: “Just put it under [Name #1].”

Me: “Um… Okay. What can I get for you tonight?”

Customer: “Can I hear your specials?”

Me: “First we have [special #1], or we also have [special #2].”

Customer: “What about [old special]?”

Me: “That deal ended a month ago.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! I just got that last week from you guys! Whatever. Can you repeat the specials again?”

(I do.)

Customer: “How many pizzas do I get for [special #1]?”

Me: “Two.”

Customer: “I’ll take that, then.” *yelling into the background* “WHAT YOU GUYS WANT? I’M ORDERING PIZZA FROM [PIZZA PLACE]!” *muffled yelling which goes back and forth for a full minute* “On the first one, I want—” *starts naming off toppings*

Me: “Sir, [special #1] comes with a one-topping pizza and a specialty pizza. From the toppings you said, might I suggest [specialty pizza]?”

Customer: “Oh. Could you tell me all of your specialty pizzas?”

Me: “Well, we currently have over 25 of them.”

Customer: “I want to hear them all.”

(I go through all specialty pizzas, stopping every few to explain what toppings go on it.)

Customer: “I’ll just take [specialty pizza I suggested in the first place]. Can I get that on [stuffed specialty crust]?”

Me: “There is an extra charge for that. Will that be okay?”

Customer: “Why do I have to pay more for that?”

Me: “You’re paying for the cheese inside the crust.”

Customer: “Y’all are just trying to steal my money. I don’t want that, then; I want [different crust].”

Me: “All right. The second pizza?”

Customer: “Can I get three toppings?”

Me: “It comes with a one-topping pizza. If you’d like to add more there is an additional charge.”

Customer: “See?! I’ll take one with just pepperoni, then.”

Me: “Okay, are you going to need anything else today?”

Customer: “How much are your wings?”

(I tell him both portion sizes and prices.)

Customer: “Can I get some wings, then?”

Me: “How many would you like?”

Customer: “What are the sizes again?”

(I repeat them.)

Customer: “I’ll take [portion], then.”

Me: “Would you like them with or without the bone?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “Um… one has bones in them and the other doesn’t.”

Customer: “I want with bone.”

Me: “Breaded or unbreaded?”

Customer: “What do you mean breaded? What the hell is a breaded wing?”

Me: “It’s a wing with a flour breading on it, kind of like the extra crispy chicken at [Chicken Place].”

Customer: “Oh, give me the original, then.”

Me: “What kind of sauce?”

Customer: “What do you have?”

(I tell him all the flavors.)

Customer: “I’ll take hot.”

Me: “The mild, medium, or the really hot?”

Customer: “Why do you ask so many d*** questions? The mild.”

Me: “Will this complete your order today?”

Customer: “Could you repeat that to me?”

(I do.)

Customer: “You know what? Let’s change that pizza special to that other special that you told me about.”

(Another three minutes go by as I change nearly the entire order.)

Me: *repeats the order back one more time* “—and your total comes to [price].”

Customer: “Why is it so much?”

Me: *long, detailed explanation*

Customer: “Whatever. How long?”

Me: “It’ll be ready for you to pick up in about 15 minutes.” *puts order through*

Customer: “Pick up? You’re not going to deliver it to me?”

Me: “You asked for carry-out.”

Customer: “I thought that meant you were going to carry it out to me.”

Me: “No, carry-out is when you come to pick it up. I can switch it to delivery if you’d like. I just need your address.”

Customer: “It’s—” *to the background* “WHAT’S THE ADDRESS HERE?!” *muffled response* “It’s [address that doesn’t come up in my system].”

Me: “Is the street name spelled [Street]?”

Customer: “I guess.”

Me: “You don’t appear to be in my delivery area; where are you guys located, exactly?”

Customer: “[Municipality].”

Me: “Oh, unfortunately we don’t deliver to [Municipality], and—”

Customer: “Then who does?”

Me: “No one. There is no [Store] that delivers to that area.”

Customer: “Well, why the f*** not?”

Me: “There were stores there a few years ago that closed down.”

Customer: “Can’t you guys just deliver to me, anyway?”

Me: “Unfortunately, that’s against company policy.”

Customer: “Why did those stores shut down?”

Me: “Theft.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying that if you deliver here, you’re going to get robbed?”

Me: “I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying we can’t deliver there because our delivery line ends at [Other Street] and you are on the other side. You can still come pick the order up. It’s already in the oven; it should only be about another eight minutes or so until it’s ready.”

Customer: “No, f*** you. You guys are a bunch of d*** Nazis!” *click*

(That, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why most delivery places are promoting online ordering rather than the telephone.)

Delivering Their Unjust Desserts

, , , , , | Right | June 25, 2018

(The company I work for has put out a special where you can order a large, one-topping pizza and get a free dessert. We advertise this special heavily, complete with a fuzzy chocolate square mascot in the commercials. After arriving at a delivery on the other side of the next town over…)

Me: “Hi there! Here is your order. It’s going to be [total].”

(The customer gives me a sour look and turns away to get the money, leaving me on her doorstep holding the order and waiting. After coming back and giving me exact change — ugh — she takes the food off my hands.)

Me: “Thank you very much. Have a nice day.”

Customer: “Where’s my [dessert item]?”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m sorry; did I forget something?”

(I take a moment to look at the order slip and make sure I handed her all of the items.)

Me: “This looks like everything I was sent out with. Are you sure you asked for it when you ordered?”

Customer: “I didn’t ask for it. They’re supposed to be free, when you order a large pizza.”

Me: *internal eye twitch* “I’m sorry. It is free, but you need to order it. I don’t have a way to keep them in the car, and we can’t bring them out if you don’t let us know you want them.”

Customer: “The commercial said they were free.”

Me: “They are… but you have to ask for them.”

Customer: “You should just bring them to me. I shouldn’t have to ask.”

Me: *now internally screaming* “I’m sorry, ma’am. Like I said, I don’t keep any in my car. I’ll let management know about your concerns when I get back.”

Customer: “What am I supposed to do about my [dessert]?”

Me: “Make sure you ask for it next time?”

(I eventually left and got back to my store, only to hear that she called back and complained about not getting her dessert like the commercial. I had to drive back out to drop it off, for free. The sad part was that while this special ran, I had at least one incident like this a night.)

Unable To Recoup(on) From That Attitude

, , , , | Right | June 24, 2018

(I am a store manager at a pizza restaurant. We are running a special where you get a one-topping, sixteen-inch pizza for $8, but only with a coupon. A customer has called in to place an order. The employee answering is having trouble and asks me to take over.)

Me: “Hello, sir. I’m the manager. What seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “Your employee won’t give me the discount pizza. I want half cheese, half pepperoni! They said it has to be all, not half! Why is it so hard?!”

Me: “Okay, sir. I have it fixed for you. At the sale price, half cheese, half pepperoni. Did you want anything else?”

Customer: “It better be at the sale price! I can’t believe this!” *starts to rant again*

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry you are upset. But I have everything just how you want it now. I’ve bumped you up, so your order will be ready in 15 minutes. Did you want anything else?”

Customer: “No. That’s it.”

Me: “Okay, sir, thank you. Now, please remember: if you do not bring the coupon, it will be full price.”

(The customer hangs up. I already know this guy will not bring that coupon. I have an employee who likes to mouth off a bit.)

Me: “[Employee #1], you want a chance to be snarky?”

Employee: “YEAH!”

Me: “I have a customer coming in for this order. I’m personally making it, so it will be perfect. You be extra nice, unless he doesn’t bring that coupon. Then it’s full price, no ifs, ands, or buts. Got it? If you need me, I’ll be doing prep.”

(He smiles gleefully, and the customer comes in. Sure enough, no coupon.)

Employee: “Sorry, without the coupon it’s [full price].”

Customer: “But the coupon said $8!”

Employee: “But you don’t have the coupon.”

Customer: “Ugh, you guys are awful! First, you can’t take an order! Then, you won’t give me the price.”

Employee: “Okay, I will just cancel the order, then.”

Customer: “WHAT? NO! I promised my family pizza.”

Employee: “Well, that will be [full price].”

(The customer grumbled and paid. I laughed, and gave the employee some of my tips after the customer left.)

A Vertical Slice Of Bad Customers

, , , , | Right | June 14, 2018

(I’m delivering a pizza. At the time, the standard tip is $1 to $3. Also, for safety reasons, we only carry about $20 in small bills for change.)

Me: *starting my standard spiel as the door opens* “Good evening. Your order comes to…”

(Instead of an adult, a little boy of about three has answered. He’s got a bunch of money in one of his fists.)

Mother: *from far side of apartment* “Give him the money, sweetie.”

(The boy holds up his fist with the money, and I take it from him. With bills and coins, the amount he’s given me is the exact total; no tip is included.)

Me: *not wanting to give a hot pizza to a little child* “Ma’am, do you want to come get this?”

Mother: “No, give it to [Boy]. He can handle it.”

(I hand the pizza to the boy as carefully as I can. He turns away, holding the pizza vertically, and the door closes. I resign myself to getting no tip; it happens.)

Mother: *opening door as I’m walking away* “Oh, wait! Do you have change for a $20?”

Me: *thinking she’s going to tip me from breaking her $20* “Sure, ma’am. Here’s 5, 10, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, and 20.”

Mother: *recounts change* “Okay, thanks! Bye!” *closes door without tipping*

(I then had to continue to my next delivery without any change, and without a tip.)

Not The Hardest Pickup Line

, , , | Right | June 9, 2018

(Like most pizzerias, we take orders over the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizzeria]; pickup or delivery?”

Customer: “Hi, is it possible that I can order something to be ready when I get there?”

Me: “So… a pickup?”

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