Identity Clause

| Plano, TX, USA | Awesome Customers, Holidays

(My wife and I are eating at a pizza buffet restaurant with our two sons when we notice a large older man with a full white beard seated at a nearby table, wearing a red shirt. This man is happily “admitting” to the kids who approach him that he is actually Santa. My boys are just past the age of believing in Santa, so we all enjoy seeing the wide-eyed wonder of the younger kids in the restaurant. About midway through our meal, “Santa” finishes his dinner and leaves. Barely two minutes after his departure, ANOTHER man with a white beard and red shirt enters the restaurant. It is uncanny; he clearly looks like Santa Claus himself, but is very obviously a different man. There is quite the commotion from the younger kids in the restaurant. Sensing the potential for disaster, I get up and approach the second man:)

Me: *quietly* “Hi. I thought you should know that the reaction you’re hearing is not just because you look like Santa Claus, but because another man who looks like Santa just left here.”

Second “Santa”: *to the room, without skipping a beat* “Sorry about the confusion, boys and girls. I’m the real Santa; that other guy was probably my brother Jim. He likes to pretend he’s me. I should stop him, but he’s a pretty nice guy himself. Merry Christmas!”

(That seemed to satisfy everyone. It makes me laugh to this day that there are kids who grew up thinking they’d seen both the real Santa and his brother “Jim.”)

Not Mushroom For Anything Else

| USA | Food & Drink

(I’m taking a gentleman’s order over the phone for delivery.)

Me: “What can I get you?”

Customer: “I’d like a large pizza, half sausage and mushroom and the other half mushroom. That’s all.”

Me: “Okay, so you’d like a large pizza, all of it with mushrooms and half with sausage as well?”

Customer: “NO! I want a large pizza with HALF sausage and mushroom and HALF mushroom.”

Me: “So basically the exact same thing I just said? Great your total will be $[price] with tax and delivery we’ll see you soon.”  *hang up*

Not Panning Out Well

| Grants, NM, USA | Food & Drink

(I work for a very popular pizza delivery chain. During my shift I answer the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Pizza Place]. This is [My Name]. How may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Yes I’d like to order an ultimate pepperoni pizza.”

Me: “All right, ma’am, may I ask is this for delivery or carry out?”

Customer: “Delivery.”

Me: “And what size pizza and style of crust would you like?”

Customer: “I want a large pan pizza.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. We only carry pan pizza in medium.”

Customer: “Why? What if that’s what the customer wants? How much is this going to cost me anyway?”

Me: “We’ll, ma’am, we haven’t finished your order yet. I still need to know the size and style of crust you would like.”

Customer: “I already told you, large pan.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we only carry pan crust in medium. The pans themselves are medium size. There is no way for us to make a large pan pizza. You can get a medium pan for [amount].”

Customer: “I don’t want a medium; I want a large.”

Me: “Well, here are the crusts available in large: hand tossed, Brooklyn style, or crunchy thin.”

Customer: “Hand tossed, I suppose.”

Me: “All right. What else can I get for you? Drinks? Sides? Desserts?”

Customer: “I want a two-liter [Brand #1 Soda] and 14-piece hot wings.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we only carry [Brand #2 Soda] products.”

Customer: “Well, Jeezus, can’t you people ever satisfy anyone?! You are not good at your job at all. I want regular [Brand #2 Soda] and make sure to send peppers and parmesan cheese with the driver.”

Me: “Ma’am, we do have to charge for the parmesan now because it comes in a larger shaker container.”

Customer: “This is such bull-s***! I call you expecting good customer service and I bet you were even going to charge me for the delivery weren’t you!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Our delivery charge is $2.99 and the cost goes to our insurance company to help protect our drivers on the road. None of the $2.99 goes to the driver.”

Customer: “This is absolutely ridiculous. I’m never ordering from here again. I’m going to have you boycotted into bankruptcy. Then you’ll see.”

Me: “All right, ma’am. So, are you canceling your order?”

Customer: “Yes, I am.”

Me: “Well, I apologize for any inconvenience and I do hope you have a great day.”

Customer: “F*** you, you piece of s***!” *hangs up*

A Bit Too Cheese-Thick

| UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(The pizza place I work at has an item on the menu called cheese-sticks, which is pretty much garlic bread with cheese on a pizza base cut into sticks instead of slices.)

Customer: “Hi, can you do garlic bread with cheese, please?

Me: “Well, we have cheese-sticks which is garlic bread with cheese, just cut differently!”

Customer: “Er… no, I want garlic bread with cheese?”

Me: “That would be cheese-sticks then, sir.” *adds item to order*

Customer: “No, I want garlic bread with cheese? Can you remove cheese-sticks from the order, please?”

Me: “The cheese-sticks is garlic bread with cheese, sir, just cut differently. I can have it cut into slices if you want?”

Customer: *looks at a bunch of his friends and gives them the ‘is this girl thick’ look*

Manager: “[My Name], do what he says.” *gives me dead eye*

Me: “Garlic bread with cheese, then!” *types in cheese-sticks*

Customer: “Thanks, wasn’t too hard was it?”

Buy Him A Hot Slice Of Karma, Part 2

| CA, USA | Awesome Workers, Food & Drink

(It’s my last few days as a shift manager for a national pizza chain, so my filter is off because I know I won’t be fired. One of the order takers calls me to the phone, saying the customer on the line wants to talk to a manager.)

Me: “Thank you for holding. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Are you the manager?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Customer: “I wanted to complain about my pizza! It was terrible!”

(He goes on a rant about how every time he orders from us, the pizza is awful and why can’t we get it right? I break in long enough to get his details and pull up his account and see we’ve given at least a dozen free pizzas after he’s complained.)

Customer: “And I’m never ordering another pizza from you guys ever again!”

Me: “All right, that sounds fine to me. Thank you. Goodbye.” *I start to hang up*

Customer: “Wait, wait! Don’t hang up on me!”

Me: “I’m sorry; I didn’t think there was anything else I could help you with.”

Customer: *sputtering* “Well, aren’t you even going to offer me a free pizza credit for next time?!”

Me: “And call you a liar? Sir, I would never! You said you weren’t ordering from us ever again, and I believe you. Bye!”

(I hung up. Best interaction I ever had while working there.)

Related:
Buy Him A Hot Slice Of Karma

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