(I work at a pizza place that often allows customers to switch out ingredients, as long as they are not adding any extra.)

Customer: “I want the all meat with no sausage, add bacon, and add green pepper.”

Me: “Great, sir. We can take the sausage off, but unfortunately I can only add one other ingredient. You’ll have to choose which one you’d like.”

Customer: “What if I add bacon but only get a spritz of green pepper?”

Me: “You’d still be getting one too many.”

Customer: “What about a dash?”

Me: “Sir, the manner in which we apply the ingredient won’t make any difference.”

(I place a pizza order, and am told half-an-hour for delivery. After an hour-and-a-half, I call back to see what’s going on.)

Me: “Hi, I placed an order a while ago, and I was just looking to check the status on—”

Employee: *interrupting* “It’s on its way!”

Me: “But I haven’t told you my name. How could you possibly know that?”

Employee: *clearly exasperated* “Fine! What’s your name?!”

Me: *answers*

Employee: “There isn’t an order for that name.”

Me: “So, not only did you lie to me initially, but you didn’t even take my order when I called the first time?”

(My family runs a small pizza place. A nearby family has been regular customers for about ten years now. The phone rings Christmas Eve.)

Me: “[Pizza Place], how can I help you?”

Regular Customer: “Oh, sorry, I entered the wrong code on speed dial. Have a nice night.”

(Five minutes later, she shows up with a plate of cookies! The phone call had been a ruse to confirm we were open that day.)

Regular Customer: “You always give us such great food. We thought we’d mix it up a bit.”

(One of my managers at my National Pizza Chain shop has a few years’ experience and has worked in many of the shops in my area. She tells me a story of one of the new delivery drivers she had been put in charge of towards the beginning of her time as a manager years ago. My manager has just gotten off the phone with a customer who has ordered two pizzas and one of our salads so she tells the brand new driver, who has just recently been hired, to go make a salad while she works on the pizzas. Fast forward about 25 minutes after the delivery run has gone out to the customer. The manager picks up the phone again to get the customer who has just got the delivery.)

Customer: “Hi, I had just placed an order with your store and ordered two pizzas and a salad.”

Manager: “All right, was there something wrong with one of the pizzas?”

Customer: “Oh, no. The pizzas were just fine. It’s just…” *stifling laughter* “I ordered a salad as well but all I got was an unopened bag of lettuce.”

Manager: *shocked yet snickering a little* “Really? Just a bag of lettuce?! Um… All right, I’ll just go make you a fresh salad and have it sent right out to you as soon as possible.”

(The customer and Manager had a good laugh about it before she hung up the phone to go make a proper salad. Turned out the new driver thought that all salads were just lettuce with nothing else so he figured giving a full bag would be enough for the customer. Surprisingly, he wasn’t fired just for that but was fired within a few months for continued stupid and silly mistakes.)

(A friend and I are checking out a pizza place we haven’t been before. The cashier sees us looking at the menu and comes over.)

Friend: “We’re just looking. She—” *indicating me* “—can’t eat any wheat so we’re not expecting anything.”

Cashier: “Well, we have vegetarian options.”

Friend: “No, no. WHEAT, not meat.”

Cashier: “Oh! Then you should be fine then. We don’t have any of that!”

(My friend and I stare at each other a moment, a bit flabbergasted.)

Me: “Like wheat flour…”

Cashier: *looks a bit clueless before turning to peer back at the kitchen and calling to the cook* “What kind of flour do we use? Does it have wheat in it?”

Cook: *stares at her in disbelief a moment before turning to me* “It’s regular white flour.”

Cashier: *all smiles as she turns back to me* “Then you should be fine!”

Me: “…Thank you.”

(My friend and I turn and start to leave.)

Friend: “…Did that really just happen? How do you get to be an adult and not know what flour is made of?!”