Skin-Deep Gay

| Fairbanks, AK, USA | Friendly | January 13, 2017

(I’m sitting watching TV in my pizza place, waiting to start work when a guy pops in and watches TV as a skincare commercial pops up. It should be noted the guy looks to be in his thirties and I’m a sarcastic person.)

Guy: “Girls are so gay.”

Me: “So they’re lesbians.”

Guy: “No, I mean they’re just so gay.”

Me: “So they’re happy.”

Guy: “Yeah, man. They gotta make sure their skin is all perfect.” *starts doing a valley girl imitation and leaves the store”

Me: “What just happened?”

A Non-Working Lunch

| NY, USA | Friendly | January 8, 2017

(I’m picking up a pizza at a local pizzeria for my workmates. I’m wearing a polo with my company’s logo on it, and sitting at one of the tables waiting for my food. I’m kind of out of it because the morning’s work was labor intensive, so I’m staring idly at the drink cooler. An older gentleman walks in smiling, he greets me, and walks up to the counter behind me to look at a menu.)

Customer: “You know, I think I’ll get a meatball sandwich.” *he’s clearly talking to me since the owner has gone to the back to get my food*

(The customer seems very nice, and is obviously waiting for a reply.)

Me: “Oh, okay. The food’s good here, right?”

Customer: “Yep! I love it!”

(There’s a bit of a pause.)

Customer: “Do you have time to make it now?”

(It dawns on me he thinks I work here.)

Me: “Oh! I’m sorry. I don’t work here. I’m just waiting for my lunch.”

Customer: “Oh! Sorry! I thought you were watching TV.”

(I notice there’s a monitor above the drink cooler.)

Me: “Nope! Just watching the drinks cool.”

(He gives me a confused look, which I understand because my joke wasn’t that funny. Another minute goes by.)

Customer: “I know it’s your lunch break, but would you mind finding someone else to take my order? I’m sorry to bother you.”

(I wonder if he didn’t hear me the first time, but he’s so nice I don’t want to make him feel bad.)

Me: “I don’t think they would like me to go behind the counter since I don’t work here. I work for [Company], and I’m just picking up lunch. Hopefully the owner will be back in a second to take your order.”

Customer: “No problem! Sorry about that!”

Me: “No worries.”

(After another moment the owner comes back. He takes the man’s order and chats with him as another worker makes the sandwich. The customer then turns to point at me.)

Customer: “Let me just say you have just a nice employee! This girl is so kind and polite, and was very patient with me!”

Owner: “Oh, she doesn’t work for me. She’s a customer just like you.”

(The other worker hands me my food and I can see light finally dawning on the older gentleman.)

Customer: “I’m so very sorry!”

Me: “What are you apologizing for? You were complimenting me. It was nice meeting you!”

(We shook hands and I left with my food, in a better mood than when I came.)

Your Demand Is Not Kosher

| Seattle, WA, USA | Right | January 3, 2017

Me: “Hello, [Pizza Place].”

Caller: “You guys delivered the wrong order to me!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Can I get some details from you?”

(I get the caller’s name and address and look them up in the system.)

Me: “So you ordered a vegetarian special? What did you receive?”

Caller: “We got sausage with the vegetables! We are Jewish! How dare you insult us by putting pork products on our pizza!”

Me: “I assure you, we did not intend to offend you in anyway. I see here that you’re in an area we deliver a lot to, meaning our delivery drivers tend to have more than one pizza on their runs at a given time. It’s possible they accidentally mixed up your order with someone else’s.”

Caller: “I still think I deserve to be compensated!”

Me: “Certainly, just bring the pizza back and we’ll make you a fresh one with no pork, free of charge.”

Caller: “What? That doesn’t do me any good!

Me: “Uh, and why’s that?”

Caller: “Well, we were starving so we ate the whole thing already. Giving us another pizza is pointless because we aren’t hungry anymore!”

In For A Penny…

| TX, USA | Right | January 3, 2017

(I’ve been working as a pizza delivery driver for about two months, and I take pride in finding customers’ homes quickly and calling them if I don’t. This night, after going up and down a very dimly lit street looking for the house number for about ten minutes, after two trips past where the house should have been, I call the customer from my cell phone and get no answer. Finally, someone picks up.)

Customer: “Who the h*** is this and why the h*** do you keep calling me?!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry. I’m from [Pizza Place] looking for [Customer]. Is this the right number?”

Customer: “Yeah. Where the f*** is my pizza?”

Me: “I’m having a little difficulty locating your house. I’m at the corner of [Street #1] and [Street #2]. Can you point me in the right direction?”

Customer: “It’s two blocks down. Can’t you f****** read?”

Me: “The street two blocks down is completely dark. Can you turn your light on for me?”

Customer: “Fine. Hurry the h*** up.”

(Five minutes later, I’m two blocks down, and still no lights. So I call again. Apparently seeing my number again, the customer comes outside.)

Me: “Here’s your pizza. The total is $24.99.”

Customer: *hands over $25* “So f****** expensive. You can keep the change as your tip.”

(Normally, I don’t have coin change on me. That night, I happened to have a penny in my pocket from where I’d picked it up off the floorboard of my car earlier. Before he could turn away, I dug in my pocket and slapped it on top of the pizza box.)

Me: “No, sir, you can keep it; you obviously need it more than I do.”

(Before he can answer, I turn away and get in my car. When I get back to the store, my manager calls me into the back.)

Manager: “I just got a phone call about you. Apparently you were rude and abusive to a customer?”

Me: *explains situation from beginning* “So, I told him he could keep the penny.”

Manager: *dies laughing* “Good for you! I’m putting him on the ‘do not deliver’ list. If he wants pizza he can come get it himself.”

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Identity Clause

| Plano, TX, USA | Right | December 23, 2016

(My wife and I are eating at a pizza buffet restaurant with our two sons when we notice a large older man with a full white beard seated at a nearby table, wearing a red shirt. This man is happily “admitting” to the kids who approach him that he is actually Santa. My boys are just past the age of believing in Santa, so we all enjoy seeing the wide-eyed wonder of the younger kids in the restaurant. About midway through our meal, “Santa” finishes his dinner and leaves. Barely two minutes after his departure, ANOTHER man with a white beard and red shirt enters the restaurant. It is uncanny; he clearly looks like Santa Claus himself, but is very obviously a different man. There is quite the commotion from the younger kids in the restaurant. Sensing the potential for disaster, I get up and approach the second man:)

Me: *quietly* “Hi. I thought you should know that the reaction you’re hearing is not just because you look like Santa Claus, but because another man who looks like Santa just left here.”

Second “Santa”: *to the room, without skipping a beat* “Sorry about the confusion, boys and girls. I’m the real Santa; that other guy was probably my brother Jim. He likes to pretend he’s me. I should stop him, but he’s a pretty nice guy himself. Merry Christmas!”

(That seemed to satisfy everyone. It makes me laugh to this day that there are kids who grew up thinking they’d seen both the real Santa and his brother “Jim.”)

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