A few years ago, I ordered pizza from a very large pizza chain online. When the delivery was dropped off, I noticed they forgot the soda. I double-checked, and I did indeed order a soda, so I made a call to the number on the digital invoice. So far, so good, right?

After some music, the phone was redirected to an automated message. After I entered some options, a human picked up. 

Employee #1: “[Intro message]. How can I help you today?”

Me: “I ordered a Coke with the pizza, but the Coke wasn’t with the delivery.”

After getting my order number, name, and email for my account, the employee said they’d forward me to the store.

Some music played, and then there were automated messages again, so I entered some options, and another human picked up.

Employee #2: “[Intro message]. How can I help you today?”

I explained the problem again, and they asked for the same information and said they would forward me. 

Me: *A bit confused* “Why are you forwarding me again? I was already forwarded.”

Employee #2: “Sorry, but there is nothing I can do on my end. I have to forward you to the store.”

Me: “Okay, then.”

You might have guessed: it was the same music, the same automated messages, the same set of options, and then another human. To be honest, I was a bit upset at this point.

Employee #3: “[Intro message]. How can I help you today?”

I explained the problem again, and they asked for all the information again and said they would forward me.

Me: “I don’t want to be forwarded. Why can’t you just help me?”

After asking some questions, I figured out that this was the call center. The phone number I’d called was indeed for the store; no idea why I kept being forwarded to the call center. There was nothing the employee at the call center could do for me. So, I said fine, but I’d better be forwarded to the store.

Nope. Same music, automated messages, options, and then another human. Yeah, I was pretty frustrated at this point, and my tone was not the best.

Before the fourth employee finished his intro, I cut him off and asked if this was the call center. 

Employee #4: “Yes. How can I help you?” 

Me: “I have been forwarded to the call center four times when only the store can help me. This is ridiculous.”

Employee #4: “I’m sorry. What is this about?”

I repeated my problem again and just told him the information before he even asked. 

He said there was nothing he could do and he’d have to forward me. 

Me: “Nope, I will not be forwarded again. I want you to solve my problem; it shouldn’t be this hard.”

This went on for a while. He kept asking if I could let him forward me and telling me there was nothing he could do. When I finally said he could forward me, I was sent straight to the music again.

But this time, there was no automated message and someone picked up, so I was really hopeful.

The person was indeed from the store, and once I explained the problem, they apologized and said they would send me the drink now if I would like. 

I accepted and asked why I had been forwarded five times before I got to him.

Store Employee: “I’m really sorry. It’s the way our phone system works: if it’s busy or no one picks up, it gets automatically forwarded to the call center. Since it’s dinner time, it’s quite busy.”

So, my guess is that the music I’d been hearing was from the store, no one picked up, and then I was sent to the call center and given the automated messages. I did get my drink; the call took twenty-five minutes.

But wow, that is one stupid call system that such a large company set up.

Caller: “I ordered a large pizza, but you sent me a medium!”

Me: “Sorry to hear that. To confirm, is there a large drawing of yellow cheese on the box or a big red tomato?”

Our medium boxes have a picture of cheese, and the large boxes get a tomato. Apparently, this concept is beyond the caller, and it takes at least five minutes to get her to figure out what is on the front of the box. After she sees that there is a picture of a tomato on the front:

Me: “And is the pizza filling out to the end of the box?”

Caller: “Yeah.”

Me: “It appears you have a large, then, ma’am.”

Caller: “No! This is a medium! You sent me the wrong size!”

Me: “How do you know it’s a medium?”

Caller: “It’s only got six slices! Your mediums have six slices!”

Me: “That’s just the number of slices. The size of the pizza is still a large.”

Caller: “No! It’s a medium! I’m coming back there, and you’re gonna give me a large!”

Me: “Ma’am, you can bring it back in if you like, but if I measure it and it’s a large, we won’t replace it.”

Caller: “We’ll see!”

She did come back, and of course, the pizza was a large. I just took the same pizza and doubled the number of slices. The caller grabbed it back, said, “Finally!”, and drove away.

A customer walks into our takeout branch of a pizza chain, looking around disapprovingly.

Customer: “You don’t have tables?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “I’ll just have the General Tso’s chicken.”

Me: “…this is a [Pizza Chain].”

Customer: “Fine, just a few egg rolls.”

Me: “…How about a pizza?”

Customer: “Why would I order pizza at a Chinese restaurant?” 

Me: “You’re right; that would be stupid.”

This story reminds me of the diametric opposite situation I was once in.

Every Friday, I’d order a pizza for myself with black olives. Every week, there were fewer and fewer olives on the pizza, so I started requesting extra olives. Unfortunately, either the request went unnoticed or just unfulfilled.

One time, I got a pizza with just three black olives on it. Yes, I counted; it was pretty easy as they put the toppings on top of the cheese.

So, the next week, I requested them to kill the pizza with olives.

I got what I requested. The entire top of the pizza was encrusted with olives — to the point that it hadn’t cooked properly. I had to scrape off a bunch of olives, put some shredded cheese I had in the fridge on top, and cook it in our oven. It was still delicious and a hilarious image when I opened the box. It was like they had made up for the past three pizzas by putting all of the olives that should have gone on them on this pizza.

I think they got the message; the next week, I ordered the pizza without the extra olives, and they put a standard amount on it. When that place made a pizza properly, it was good enough to continue ordering after all that.

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It’s A Black Day For The Pizza Scam Business

A friend of mine used to do pizza delivery, and a notable local politician was one of his regular customers. Said customer had a pretty specific and odd preference for how he likes pizza, the key aspect of which is enough barbecue sauce for the pizza to practically be a pool of it. He would, when placing the order, emphasise that he wanted A LOT of extra barbecue sauce, absolutely swimming in it.

Of course, depending on who took or made the order at the time, this sometimes got interpreted as just being hyperbolic and a more subdued amount of extra sauce was used, but the customer never called back demanding a new pizza or shouting at them that it wasn’t enough. In such cases when receiving the pizza, he’d just say:

Customer: “It’s not as much as I like, but I know it’s a strange order, so not everyone’s going to get it just the way I like it.”

And he would be suitably appreciative if it was right.

Related:
It’s A Black Day For The Pizza Scam Business