Give Pizza A Chance

| Merseyside, England, UK | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(A customer calls for a pizza delivery.)

Customer: “I want a large pizza with all the toppings.”

Me: “We’ve got over 30 different kind of toppings; which would you like?”

Customer: “All of them; I’m starving.”

Me: “A pizza with 30 toppings isn’t going to taste very nice.”

Customer: “I don’t care; I’m starving. I want all the toppings.”

Me: “One of the toppings is sliced banana; do you want that one?”

Customer: “Ugh! Banana? No, not on a pizza. Okay, leave that off.”

Me: “Do you like olives?”

Customer: “Er, no. None of them.”

Me: “Anchovies?”

Customer: “What are they?”

Me: “Small strips of dried, salted fish.”

Customer: “Ugh, no!”

(We repeat this for 25 more items.)

Me: “So, that’s a ham and mushroom on a thin crust, with you in 30 minutes.”

Customer: “Er, yeah. Thanks.”

Flying Off The Pan-Handle

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

(My coworker and I work in retail, but we are the customers in this story. We decide to hang out at her place after work. I order some pizza, and pick it up on the way to her house.)

Me: “Hi, I’m [name], and I’m here to pick up my order.”

Assistant Manager: “I am terribly sorry, sir. There has been a mistake with your order. We’re trying to fix it as soon as we can.”

Me: “Oh, dear. What happened? If it’s the wrong toppings, I’ll still take it.”

Assistant Manager: “No, sir, unfortunately one of our staff members accidentally gave your order to another customer. I am very sorry about this. We’ve just remade your order, and it’ll be done in just a couple of minutes.”

Me: “Okay, that’s fine, I totally understa—”

My Coworker: “WHAT?! I can’t believe you let this happen!”

Me: “Whoa, calm down, [coworker]! People make mistakes, and it’s not going to take very long.”

My Coworker: “No! I will not calm down, this is an outrage!”

(My coworker addresses the assistant manager.) “I demand that we be compensated for this inconvenience! I can’t believe they let you be assistant manager around here!”

Me: “Hey, hey, time out! I’m the one paying here, so you have no right to talk to him like that!”

Coworker: “No, the customer is ALWAYS right! He should throw in a few extras for free!”

Me: “Okay, if he did that, our order is gonna take even longer.”

(Not even one minute after our short argument, our pizzas get brought up to the front. I pay for exactly what I ordered, no more, no less, and we leave. On the way back to my car, my coworker is still muttering.)

Coworker: “I still think we should’ve gotten some free breadsticks or something.”

Me: “Listen. You work in customer service too. You go through the exact same s*** he does, and I know YOU wouldn’t tolerate customers who fly off the handle like you just did. I am not impressed with the blatant hypocrisy you just displayed.”

Coworker: “No, this is different! Our customers think they’re always right! In my case, I actually am!”

Me: “Normally, I’d make you walk home for saying such a dumb comment, but I really don’t want to expose your current state to the general public.”

These Customers Are Mostly Harmless

| Western Australia, Australia | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Geeks Rule

Me: “Good evening, welcome to [pizza store]. How can I help you this evening?”

Customer: “Just a Meat Lover’s on the regular base, thanks.”

Me: “Not a problem. It should be ready in ten to fifteen minutes. Can I just have a name for the order?”

Customer: *politely* “No.”

Me: “…Sorry?”

Customer: “It doesn’t matter, does it?”

(The customer’s friend looks a bit annoyed at the customer, like he’s done this before, but doesn’t offer a name either.)

Me: “Well, it’s busy tonight and I may not be the one giving out the pizza, so if there isn’t a name they may not know whose pizza it is.”

Customer: “I just don’t want my name on the computer.”

Me: “Well, I could put a fake name down instead?”

Customer: *rolls his eyes, and then replies* “Fine, just put down Slartibartfast.

Me: “…Slartibartfast?”

Customer: “I told you it didn’t matter!”

(He then walks off before I can reply to his name; I’m a huge fan of Douglas Adams myself. When his pizza comes out, I call out his name.)

Me: “Slartibartfast and the hoopy frood Zaphod Beeblebrox?”

(Both men laugh as they collect the pizza. The next time they came back, it was a pizza for Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect!)