I Have The Devil’s Own(er) Job

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Working | April 18, 2013

(I’m take a call from a customer who is unhappy with his order.)

Customer: “…thank you so much for correcting this. Oh, while I have you on the phone, I just want to tell you about one more thing. The person who took my order was extremely rude to me. Just obnoxious, and unwilling to listen to me. He was awful!”

Me: “I am so sorry to hear that! If I could just look up the name of the order taker…”

(I look it up. Of course, it’s the owner.)

Me: “Oh… I’ll be sure to relay that back to the manager.”

Customer: “You know, I’ve dealt with your manager before and he just isn’t very forgiving at all. Could you tell the owner about that?”

Me: “Well… I’m sorry to say this sir, but it was actually the owner who took your order.”

Customer: “Well, my condolences!”

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Give Liars A Pizza Your Mind

| Northern VA, USA | Working | March 18, 2013

(A pizza delivery guy sped through our neighborhood, ran a stop sign and rammed my daughter’s car. He hit her so hard that he pushed her across the intersection, damaging a neighbor’s fence and a street sign. In an attempt to cover his tracks, he hid his pizza company sign in his trunk, and lied to the police about who owned the car, the insurance, and even whom he worked for. I finally tracked down the owner of the pizza company.)

Me: “Hello, this is [my name], and I’m [daughter’s name]’s mother. Your delivery man rammed my daughter when he was speeding and ran a stop sign in our neighborhood, and then he lied about what company he worked for. He said he didn’t own the car, and he lied about his insurance.”

Owner: “Oh, yes. We’ve been trying to get information about that. He’s supposed to have insurance!”

Me:  “Well, it seems he doesn’t. It looks like he bought the car from this guy, and he says he doesn’t know the guy. However, they’re Facebook friends, and the title is still in the other guy’s name.”

Owner: “They both work for me! Of course he knows the guy; they work together!”

Me: “Well, it seems he doesn’t have insurance, and I’m sure you don’t want my daughter to end up owning your company, so I’m sure we can come to an equitable arrangement before I have to go to a lawyer about this.”

Owner: ” Certainly. I’ve already been in touch with my insurance company and we just need the details.”

Me: “And did you know that he damaged a homeowner’s fence and a street sign?”

Owner: “…No. Wow.”

Me: “The thing that really got me is that the first thing he did, after the crash, was not to check on the girls in the car to see if they were all right. The first thing he did was to borrow a neighbor’s cell phone so that he could call his job because he didn’t want to get in trouble with his job. That’s all he was worried about.”

Owner: “Well, he won’t have to worry about that any more!”

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We Love To Deep Dish On Bad Customers

| UT, USA | Right | January 10, 2013

(It is five minutes to closing at our store when the phone rings. Policy requires that we answer until 11:30 during winter hours. I pick up and my friend and manager stands behind me.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store location]. What can I do for you tonight?”

Customer: “I need two pan pizzas with sausage and pepperoni.”

(I put the order in on the computer and look to the clock. It is now three minutes to close.)

Me: “All right, sir. I’m going to have to put this in for carry-out, as we close in three minutes.”

Customer: “Uh, no. I want it for delivery.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. We close at 11:30.”

Customer: “Well the internet says you close at midnight. I want delivery.”

Me: “Again, I can’t do that. We have cleanup to do, and we close in one minute. We are also on the winter schedule, and close a half hour earlier than summer hours.”

Customer: “That’s f***ing stupid!”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but I can’t have you speak to me that way. If you like, you can speak to my manager about it. She’s standing right here, and has heard this entire conversation.”

(He settles down. It is now after 11:30.)

Customer: “Can’t you call it carry-out and just bring it to me?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Can I send you a picture of the web page?”

Me: “You can, but it won’t make a difference. This is policy, sir.”

Customer: “Fine! F*** you!”

(He hangs up. I smile and put the phone down.)

Manager: “He was pleasant.”

Me: “I love people like that.”

Manager: “Why?”

Me: “They give me stories to tell.”

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He’s One Slice Short Of A Pie

, | Grand Rapids, MN, USA | Right | January 9, 2013

(I have returned from delivering a pizza to the last customer of the night. Upon returning to the store, it is after closing time, so we begin cleaning and closing the store. The phone rings; we normally don’t answer the phone after closing time, but since I recognized the name on the caller ID as my last delivery, I decide to answer it.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [restaurant]. I’m sorry we’re closed, but how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I just had a pizza delivered and there’s a problem.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What is the problem, exactly?”

Customer: “Well, this has got to be some sort of joke or something.”

Me: “Okay, what is the problem?”

Customer: “I just sat down to eat my sausage pizza, and 7 of the 8 pieces are just fine, but the 8th piece doesn’t have any sausage on it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, that shouldn’t have happened. How about I give you a $2 discount on your next purchase?”

Customer: “Sure.”

Me: “Okay, sorry again. Have a nice night.”

(Before I can even turn around to walk away, the same caller ID rings again, so I answer.)

Customer: *yelling very angrily* “I’m so mad right now! I can’t believe what I’m looking at! What, are you messing with me not putting sausage on one of the pieces of my pizza?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it was an accident. Sausages are small and round, I’m sure after they were put on the pizza they rolled around when the cheese was applied. How about instead of a $2 discount, I mark you account for a free pizza on your next order? Would that fix it for you?”

Customer: *calm now* “Yeah, that would be great, thanks.”

(We once again finish the call and hang up. Again before I can turn around the phone rings with the same caller ID so I answer and greet the caller.)

Customer: “YOU MUST BE PLAYING A JOKE ON ME! This must have been done on purpose! I’m gonna come down there and cut your heads off!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir! I just wanted to remind you that you’ll get a free pizza on your next order. Is that okay?”

Customer: *calms down again* “Yeah, thanks.”

(I quickly got off the phone while he was calm. We then quickly locked up and went home for the night without cleaning up the store, in case he was truly coming down to cut our heads off.)

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Recaf My Decaf

| Texas, USA | Right | October 2, 2012

Me: “Thanks for calling [pizza delivery]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to speak to your manager on duty.”

Me: “That would be me. What can I do for you?”

Caller: “I had placed an order with you earlier, and got [caffeinated soft drink] and [non-caffeinated soft drink]. I opened [non-caffeinated soft drink] and it tasted funny and raised my blood pressure. You must have tampered with it and added caffeine. I’d like a replacement.”

Me: “I can assure you that your drink wasn’t tampered with. It’s in sealed bottle from the manufacturer. But, what would you like instead?”

Caller: “I’d like another drink.”

(I list the four drinks we carry, three of which have caffeine.)

Caller: “I’d like a [another caffeinated soft drink].”

Me: “So, you’re going to replace [non-caffeinated soft drink] that was supposedly tampered with and had caffeine added for a drink that is guaranteed to have caffeine?”

Caller: “You got it!”

Me: *sighs* “It’ll be the in about thirty minutes, sir. Have a nice day…”

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