Ebola, E-Coli, And Strep, Oh My

| Canada | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

(A customer orders a vegetarian pizza and he insists that we put quadruple cheese on it.)

Me: “Well, I would not recommend that, sir, since the dough won’t cook properly if we do.”

Customer: “I don’t care; it’s what I want!”

Me: “Okay, then…”

(I make the pizza the way he wants it and he takes it home. About a half hour later the guy calls back demanding to talk to the manager.)

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but we close soon and the manager will not be in until tomorrow. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Your pizza made us all sick! We took one bite and now we all have salmonella! I want my money back!”

Me: “Umm… sir, salmonella is caused by meat or raw eggs… and you got a vegetarian pizza. Also it would probably take longer than the time you had to eat it to get sick.”

Customer: “Fine! We got… streptococcus!”

Me: “We gave you strep throat… with a pizza?” *I think he meant staphylococcus*

Customer: “No, no… it’s… I know what it is… it’s Ebola!”

Me: *at this point I am trying not to crack up* “So… you have a hemorrhagic fever? I would highly recommend you going to the doctor and not bother to call us, sir. But I think you mean E coli… and that comes from under-cooked meat or contaminated food… and it takes about two to three days to show symptoms… Now, if you are talking about the under-cooked dough, I warned you about that, but the worst you could get from that is maybe a little indigestion.”

Customer: “How do you know about all those diseases?!”

Me: “It was a slow night last night and I read one of our food prep guides, and it had a section on food poisoning and how to avoid it… Now, is there anything else I can help you with, sir?”

(By this point I am putting on my sweet-as-pie voice.)

Customer: *long pause and then a sheepish voice* “No… thank you. Have a good night.” *hangs up*


In For A Penny…

| TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

(I’ve been working as a pizza delivery driver for about two months, and I take pride in finding customers’ homes quickly and calling them if I don’t. This night, after going up and down a very dimly lit street looking for the house number for about ten minutes, after two trips past where the house should have been, I call the customer from my cell phone and get no answer. Finally, someone picks up.)

Customer: “Who the h*** is this and why the h*** do you keep calling me?!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry. I’m from [Pizza Place] looking for [Customer]. Is this the right number?”

Customer: “Yeah. Where the f*** is my pizza?”

Me: “I’m having a little difficulty locating your house. I’m at the corner of [Street #1] and [Street #2]. Can you point me in the right direction?”

Customer: “It’s two blocks down. Can’t you f****** read?”

Me: “The street two blocks down is completely dark. Can you turn your light on for me?”

Customer: “Fine. Hurry the h*** up.”

(Five minutes later, I’m two blocks down, and still no lights. So I call again. Apparently seeing my number again, the customer comes outside.)

Me: “Here’s your pizza. The total is $24.99.”

Customer: *hands over $25* “So f****** expensive. You can keep the change as your tip.”

(Normally, I don’t have coin change on me. That night, I happened to have a penny in my pocket from where I’d picked it up off the floorboard of my car earlier. Before he could turn away, I dug in my pocket and slapped it on top of the pizza box.)

Me: “No, sir, you can keep it; you obviously need it more than I do.”

(Before he can answer, I turn away and get in my car. When I get back to the store, my manager calls me into the back.)

Manager: “I just got a phone call about you. Apparently you were rude and abusive to a customer?”

Me: *explains situation from beginning* “So, I told him he could keep the penny.”

Manager: *dies laughing* “Good for you! I’m putting him on the ‘do not deliver’ list. If he wants pizza he can come get it himself.”


Your Demand Is Not Kosher

| Seattle, WA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

Me: “Hello, [Pizza Place].”

Caller: “You guys delivered the wrong order to me!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Can I get some details from you?”

(I get the caller’s name and address and look them up in the system.)

Me: “So you ordered a vegetarian special? What did you receive?”

Caller: “We got sausage with the vegetables! We are Jewish! How dare you insult us by putting pork products on our pizza!”

Me: “I assure you, we did not intend to offend you in anyway. I see here that you’re in an area we deliver a lot to, meaning our delivery drivers tend to have more than one pizza on their runs at a given time. It’s possible they accidentally mixed up your order with someone else’s.”

Caller: “I still think I deserve to be compensated!”

Me: “Certainly, just bring the pizza back and we’ll make you a fresh one with no pork, free of charge.”

Caller: “What? That doesn’t do me any good!

Me: “Uh, and why’s that?”

Caller: “Well, we were starving so we ate the whole thing already. Giving us another pizza is pointless because we aren’t hungry anymore!”


Identity Clause

| Plano, TX, USA | Awesome Customers, Holidays

(My wife and I are eating at a pizza buffet restaurant with our two sons when we notice a large older man with a full white beard seated at a nearby table, wearing a red shirt. This man is happily “admitting” to the kids who approach him that he is actually Santa. My boys are just past the age of believing in Santa, so we all enjoy seeing the wide-eyed wonder of the younger kids in the restaurant. About midway through our meal, “Santa” finishes his dinner and leaves. Barely two minutes after his departure, ANOTHER man with a white beard and red shirt enters the restaurant. It is uncanny; he clearly looks like Santa Claus himself, but is very obviously a different man. There is quite the commotion from the younger kids in the restaurant. Sensing the potential for disaster, I get up and approach the second man:)

Me: *quietly* “Hi. I thought you should know that the reaction you’re hearing is not just because you look like Santa Claus, but because another man who looks like Santa just left here.”

Second “Santa”: *to the room, without skipping a beat* “Sorry about the confusion, boys and girls. I’m the real Santa; that other guy was probably my brother Jim. He likes to pretend he’s me. I should stop him, but he’s a pretty nice guy himself. Merry Christmas!”

(That seemed to satisfy everyone. It makes me laugh to this day that there are kids who grew up thinking they’d seen both the real Santa and his brother “Jim.”)


Not Mushroom For Anything Else

| USA | Food & Drink

(I’m taking a gentleman’s order over the phone for delivery.)

Me: “What can I get you?”

Customer: “I’d like a large pizza, half sausage and mushroom and the other half mushroom. That’s all.”

Me: “Okay, so you’d like a large pizza, all of it with mushrooms and half with sausage as well?”

Customer: “NO! I want a large pizza with HALF sausage and mushroom and HALF mushroom.”

Me: “So basically the exact same thing I just said? Great your total will be $[price] with tax and delivery we’ll see you soon.”  *hang up*

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