(When a customer at the store uses a credit card, we always need ID and either the last four digits and/or the security code on the back.)

Me: “All right, sir, I’ll just need to see your ID and credit card for a second.”

Customer: *hands me ID* “2-9-4-7!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I have to see the credit card for security reasons.”

Customer: *shouting slowly* “2-9-4-7!”

Me: “Yes, sir, I heard you. But I need to be able to see the card.”

Customer: “No. No way. I never let anyone see my card. You people are just trying to take my numbers and use my card for yourselves! No way!”

Me: “I promise you, sir, I will not be able to memorize your sixteen-digit number and know your security number by looking at the front of the card for less than two seconds.”

Customer: “I know a girl who can do it!”

Me: “Well, I do not have that kind of memory, but what if you put your finger over the numbers and just show me the name on the card and the last four digits? I absolutely must see the card, sir, or you will have to pay with a different method.”

Customer: “Well… I guess that would be okay. You don’t have X-ray vision, do you?”

Me: *laughs* “No. No, I don’t.”

Customer: “Don’t laugh! I know someone who does!”

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(I pull a man over who is speeding and weaving between cars on the highway.)

Driver: “Are you off-duty? You can’t do traffic stops if you are off-duty.”

Me: “No, sir. See my uniform and marked vehicle?” *I point to my car with full lights on top and ‘police’ written all over it*

Driver: “They make you work on Sunday?”

Me: “Yes, sir. We are 24/7.”

Driver: “But who would commit a crime on a Sunday? That is blasphemy. They’ll go to Hell!”

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(I work at a gas station that offers made-to-order sandwiches. A customer uses a computer to place their order and gets an order number that is called once their sandwich is made).

Customer: “I’m here for my ham sandwich.”

Me: “Okay. What is your order number?”

Customer: “Here, it’s 433. I know I’m a few minutes late.”

Me: “Sir, that order was ready three hours ago. We threw it away when it sat for half an hour.”

Customer: “But it’s only 4:40. It has only been seven minutes.”

Me: “That is your order number, not the time you are supposed to pick up your order.”

Customer: “Oh, I was wondering why the time didn’t have the dots between the hour and minutes!”

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Customer: “Hi, do you have coitus?”

Me: *pause* “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Coitus! Do you have coitus?!”

Me: “All right, sir, I really hope I’m understanding you wrong, so I need you to say what you want a bit slower.”

(He thinks for a long time, then slowly says the word, drawing out every letter.)

Customer: “Curtains?”

Customer: “Yeah, hi, I just called earlier to have a report faxed. It hasn’t come through yet.”

Me: “I already sent that out to you, but I can send another copy if you’d like.”

Customer: “Hmm. You think it could be my end?”

Me: “Let’s check the basics. Have you received faxes earlier? Is it plugged in?”

Customer: “Oh, here’s the problem! The paper isn’t loaded!”

Me: “Okay! Fill it up and I’ll send it again.”

Customer: “Um, I don’t seem to have any paper here. Could you fax me some paper so I could load it with it before you fax the report?”