Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Restaurant]!”
Wife: “Hello. We’ll take two buffets, please.”
Me: “Alright, would you like drinks?”
Wife: “I would.”
Me: “And you, sir?”
Husband: *gives me an odd look, nods slightly, and then looks at his wife*
Wife: *to her husband* “What’s that look for?”
Husband: *completely serious* “I don’t like it when people talk to me. I can’t hear the voices…”
Me: “Okay, your total will be [total].”
Customer: *pays with card*
Me: “May I see ID, please? Your card is not signed.”
Customer: “No! That’s an invasion of privacy. I don’t want you to know my name and try to find me online.”
Me: “It’s company policy. I’m on camera, and your name is on here anyway.”
Customer: “Let me talk to your manager.”
Me: “I am the manager.”
Customer: “Fine! I don’t want any random friend requests!”
Me: “I’ll fight the urge, I promise.”
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(When a customer at the store uses a credit card, we always need ID and either the last four digits and/or the security code on the back.)
Me: “All right, sir, I’ll just need to see your ID and credit card for a second.”
Customer: *hands me ID* “2-9-4-7!”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I have to see the credit card for security reasons.”
Customer: *shouting slowly* “2-9-4-7!”
Me: “Yes, sir, I heard you. But I need to be able to see the card.”
Customer: “No. No way. I never let anyone see my card. You people are just trying to take my numbers and use my card for yourselves! No way!”
Me: “I promise you, sir, I will not be able to memorize your sixteen-digit number and know your security number by looking at the front of the card for less than two seconds.”
Customer: “I know a girl who can do it!”
Me: “Well, I do not have that kind of memory, but what if you put your finger over the numbers and just show me the name on the card and the last four digits? I absolutely must see the card, sir, or you will have to pay with a different method.”
Customer: “Well… I guess that would be okay. You don’t have X-ray vision, do you?”
Me: *laughs* “No. No, I don’t.”
Customer: “Don’t laugh! I know someone who does!”
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(I pull a man over who is speeding and weaving between cars on the highway.)
Driver: “Are you off-duty? You can’t do traffic stops if you are off-duty.”
Me: “No, sir. See my uniform and marked vehicle?” *I point to my car with full lights on top and ‘police’ written all over it*
Driver: “They make you work on Sunday?”
Me: “Yes, sir. We are 24/7.”
Driver: “But who would commit a crime on a Sunday? That is blasphemy. They’ll go to Hell!”
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(I work at a gas station that offers made-to-order sandwiches. A customer uses a computer to place their order and gets an order number that is called once their sandwich is made).
Customer: “I’m here for my ham sandwich.”
Me: “Okay. What is your order number?”
Customer: “Here, it’s 433. I know I’m a few minutes late.”
Me: “Sir, that order was ready three hours ago. We threw it away when it sat for half an hour.”
Customer: “But it’s only 4:40. It has only been seven minutes.”
Me: “That is your order number, not the time you are supposed to pick up your order.”
Customer: “Oh, I was wondering why the time didn’t have the dots between the hour and minutes!”
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