Customer: “Without that lanyard on, I wouldn’t be able to tell you work here.”

Me: “That’s why I wear this lanyard.”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return this blender. I don’t have my receipt but I have the card it was purchased on.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead and swipe, and I’ll see if I can look it up for you.”

(She does, and when I scan the item, it doesn’t show up.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but it’s not being found on this card. Maybe you bought it with something else?”

(She begins searching her wallet for her credit cards before she slams the first card on the counter.)

Customer: “No, you’re lying. I know I bought it on this card. Check again.”

Me: “I can do that, but also if it’s been more than a year, our computer system isn’t able to track it.”

(She swipes, and once again, it’s not found.)

Customer: “Well, what are you going to do about it? I know I bought this only a month ago, and it was on this card. So, why won’t you return it?”

Me: “I’m sorry. If you can find the receipt, I will be able to help you, or if you want me to check another card I can, but for now, our system is saying that it isn’t on this card. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “I have another return, but I have the receipt this time.”

(She flings the receipt at me and drops a shirt on the counter. I speed through the transaction, trying to get her out as quickly as possible.)

Me: “Okay, you’re going to get eleven dollars back for the shirt.”

Customer: “No, I should be getting twenty back.”

Me: “The item was eleven dollars; you paid with a twenty and got change back when—”

Customer: “Shut up. You’re wrong.”

(She then looked over her receipt for a couple of minutes, trying to find fault with my math and still berate me. Finally, one of the register supervisors came to the back to drop change off and I begged her to deal with the customer. Whatever she said made her leave, and thankfully, she was there to deal with her the next time she came back. And that time, she had her receipt for the blender.)

(For reasons I can’t contemplate, we hired a woman during Christmas time even though we suspected she stole from our store and knew she was fired from a previous job for stealing, as well. Since then, she has repeatedly used her associate discount even though she doesn’t work for our company anymore. A couple of days ago, she began complaining of chest pain, so we called an ambulance for her. Today…)

Me: “Hey, what are these cupcakes for?”

Coworker: “Those are from that lady we called the ambulance for. She wanted to say thank you for responding so quickly and making sure she was taken care of.”

Me: “You’d think she could say thank you by not stealing from us all the time.”

(We have a rule that we are only allowed to hang up on a customer if they swear or use vulgar terms; we do NOT have to warn the customer we are ending the call. However, I often do the first time. This phone call is one of many I have had to deal with.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help today?”

Customer: “Are you wearing panties?”

Me: “That is not a conversation to have on the phone at work. Is there anything else I can do for you before terminating this call?”

Customer: “It’s a simple question; I want to know if you are wearing—”

(I hang up the phone. It rings again.)

Customer: “You hung up on me, you b****!”

(I hang up again. I now warn my staff to not pick up any calls until this stops, and I also warn my co-manager. The phone rings again:)

Customer: “Look. I’m sorry. I only wanted to know—”

(I hang up again. My coworker says I often sound like a machine, so I decide to try another tactic that worked in the past, with my co-manager’s okay.)

Me: “You have reached [Store]. We are not taking any phone calls that pertain to sexual, racial, or political topics at this time. Please consult [Web Browser] for these topics. Thank you.”

(The customer swears and hangs up. My coworkers are laughing at my voice and another customer is looking at me. I think I’m about to get yelled at, but instead I get this gem:)

Female Customer: “I would have just screamed in his ear if he’d asked me anything with those topics.”

(Our store has a system where you can purchase something online and come to the store to pick it up. A woman approaches the customer service desk where I am working.)

Customer: “Hi, I placed an order and I’m coming to pick it up.”

Me: “Okay, can I have a last name to search for it?”

(She tells me her name. Nothing is coming up in our system.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but nothing is showing in the computer that an order was placed. Are you sure you have the right store?”

Customer: “Well, when I was ordering online, I never paid for it. It should still be here, set aside, right?”

Me: “Actually, unless you pay for the items, our store doesn’t get an alert that an order was placed. You have to complete all the steps shown online for the items to be picked up here.”

Customer: “But that doesn’t make sense!”

Me: “Well, maybe next time just call ahead and have us place the items on hold for you.”

Customer: “But that still doesn’t make sense!”