I am Facetiming my sister and my niece who is about four months old. I have yet to meet her as my sister lives eight hours away, I’m in school full time and work, and this takes place during the quarantine.

I’m notorious for not being good with kids and not being super affectionate towards them. My sister has her daughter up to the screen so my mom and I can see her when I finally start talking.

Me: “Hi, baby girl, how are you? Aren’t you so pretty?! I love you so much!”

Sister’s Husband: *Overhearing me* “Holy s***, did a switch flip in her brain and now she suddenly likes the baby?”

Sister: “No, I think the dog just came inside.”

She was correct.

(I am working the register on a Sunday afternoon in 1982 as all of the churches in the neighborhood are letting out. This is generally a busy time of day, both in the store and at the gas pumps. Things are running smoothly as a harried-looking woman drags a three- or four-year-old-girl into the store.)

Customer: “Bathroom?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we do not have restrooms for customer use.”

Customer: “My daughter has to use the bathroom.”

Me: “There are two bars and four restaurants in this block that have public bathrooms.”

Customer: “My daughter has to go now! Where do you go to the bathroom?”

Me: “Our bathroom is for employee use only as we store dangerous chemicals in there.”

Customer: *dragging her daughter behind the counter toward the door to our office* “Well, you’re just going to have to make an exception.”

Me: *steps in front of the door, blocking her way* “I’m terribly sorry, but our restroom is not for public use.”

(Suddenly, the little girl pulls her hand out of her mother’s, puts it on her hip, and yells:)

Customer’s Daughter: “We’re not public, we’re Catholic!”

(Then, the girl stuck her tongue out at me. The woman grabbed the girl’s hand again and stormed out of the store.)

(I started working as a personal assistant to the elderly in August. Since then, I have begun receiving calls for final expenses. I have no clue how they got my number, but whatever. Usually, I just hang up, but this time I want to try and get on the do-not-call list and press a number to speak with a rep.)

Rep: “Hello, thank you for holding. How may I help you?”

Me: “Hey there. This phone belongs to a 35-year-old. I do not need final expenses. Can you please remove my number from your database?”

Rep: “Oh, I see.”

Me: “…”

Rep: “…”

Me: “So, can you please remove my number?”

Rep: “Are you sure you’re 35?”

Me: *confused pause* “Am I sure I’m 35?”

Rep: “Yes.”

Me: “Yes. Yes, I am. Stop calling.”

My sister calls me panicking over the fact her heat is about to be shut off due to the fact she never paid her bill. She has just moved into her first apartment and doesn’t have the money at the moment, so I tell her she can use one of my credit cards to make the payment, and then just pay me back. She calls the heating company and they tell her that the credit card company stated it was a fraudulent charge.

I call my credit card company and they are just as confused, as they have no record of a fraudulent charge and haven’t spoken to anyone about it, either. I then call my sister again and relay the information that the payment went through on my end, so something is wrong with the heating company.

It turns out, they accidentally placed a credit on her account, realized the mistake, and withdrew the credit in addition to her payment so it looked like she still owed money. It was completely their fault, and instead of owning up to it, they made a false story about a fraudulent credit card charge to get another payment from her. My sister had a long talk with the supervisor afterward.

(I work at a hardware store. A customer comes in with a white piece of paper, with a line on it from one side to the other side.)

Customer: “I need this item.”

Me: “I’m gonna send you to the service desk and they will get you what you need.”

Coworker: “Do you need a light bulb, plumbing item, electrical parts, a tool?”

Customer: “No, no, no, the item is white.”

(My coworker gets another coworker to try to figure it out.)

Coworker: “Do you need paint?”

Customer: “YES! I need white paint.”

(I facepalmed. What does that line on a piece of paper have to do with paint?!)