Cutting This Call Short

, , , , , , , | Related | June 27, 2018

(My two-year-old’s hair has gotten a bit long, so I decide to trim it. I have him sitting on my lap, and just as I start to trim his hair, my phone goes off. It’s a Skype call, and he knows that my phone only makes that particular sound when his dad is calling, so he excitedly bounces right as I close the scissors. I sigh as I answer the video call and give my son the phone.)

Son: “Dada! Hi!”

Husband: “Hey there, son!”

(My son starts jabbering away at my husband, then suddenly he reaches up and grabs the back of his head and his eyes go wide.)

Son: *patting the back of his head* “Oh, gosh! Oh, gosh!”

Husband: *to me* “What’s wrong? Why’s he grabbing his head like that?”

Me: “Well, he moved right as I went to trim his hair, and I wound up cutting it way shorter than I meant to. He just realized how much hair I chopped off back there.”

Husband: *laughs* “Did she gap your hair, buddy?”

Son: *nods* “Yeah!” *pats back of his head again then looks at me* “Gosh!”

Me: *rolls eyes* “Well, sir, when you finish your conversation with Dada, I will get the clippers out and cut your hair so that it’s all short.”

(My son sits quietly a moment as if he’s contemplating what I’ve said, then nods.)

Son: “You do it.”

Husband: *laughs* “I wonder how well that’s going to go over?”

(For the rest of the twenty minute call, he occasionally reached up to touch the back of his head and say, “Oh, gosh!” When we had finished the call, my son sat completely still for most of his hair cut. The only time he moved was to occasionally wipe the hair off his face and the back of his neck before I could do it. I am so glad he didn’t cry or throw a fit like some children his age do.)

Patience Is A Virtue And She Is Not Virtuous

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 16, 2018

It’s a cold, rainy day and I’ve run out of a few necessities so I make a trip to a nearby retailer. Luck is with me because I find a parking spot that is very close, right next to the handicapped parking.

I go in, grab what I need, and hustle back out. I put my bags in the back floorboard, then climb into the back seat so that I can take off my toddler’s rain jacket without getting the backseat wet.

As I’m trying to convince my son to put down his plush toy long enough for me to take off his jacket, a car pulls up directly behind my car and puts on their blinker. I wave at the woman, letting her know that I saw her, then return to the task at hand. After removing his jacket, I strap him in and give his plush back.

When I get out to get in the driver’s seat, I realize that she has pulled up far enough that she’s boxed me in. I gesture for her to back up. Then I get into the driver’s seat, start up the car, and look in the mirror to find the woman hasn’t backed up.

I turn around, and again I gesture for her to back up. She keeps glaring and honks again, then gestures for me to back out. I shake my head because there’s not enough room.

Realizing she’s not going to move, I take a cereal bar out of my purse and pass it to my toddler to keep him happy, and then I start playing a game on my phone.

I sit there for another ten minutes that are interspersed with the woman honking, and quite possibly swearing, before she speeds around to find another spot.

Like Giving Candy To An Army

, , , , , , | Related | March 3, 2018

(My mother-in-law texts me for my husband’s APO. Before I give it to her, I double-check with my husband via Skype chat, asking if he wants her to have it.)

Husband: “Yeah, it’s okay. Just tell her not to send me candy because I’m trying to eat less sweets, just like before I deployed. Beef jerky and non-sugary mints are good, as well as useful stuff like razors, soap, deodorant, and toothpaste. And tell her not to send anything she’d want me to bring back home, because I don’t want to have to try to pack extra bulls*** when it’s time to head back.”

(I relay this to her as, “[Husband] says to not send candy or useless junk, but please send jerky, razors, soap, deodorant, and/or toothpaste.” A few days later, she texts me, asking if there’s anything specific he has said he needed.)

Me: “He asked me to pick up a few things for him, but I’ve already bought them and will be shipping them out later this week.”

Mother-In-Law: “Okay, well, I’m going to send him a big bag of those Red Hots candies.”

Me: “I told you that [Husband] asked that you not send him any candy, though. If you want to send him something cinnamon, send him cinnamon-flavored mints, the kind that don’t melt. I’ve got a small container of them for him in the stuff I’m sending.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, he didn’t tell me not to send candy, so I’m sending them, anyway.”

(Later that evening, my husband video calls me over Skype and asks if I’d picked up the things he’d asked for.)

Me: “Yeah, I did and will send them soon.” *pause* “By the way, your mom says she’s sending you a big bag of Red Hots in her care package.”

Husband: *sighs* “I thought you told her not to send me candy. I know I asked you to tell her.”

Me: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, I did tell her, but she said that you didn’t tell her, so she was sending it, anyway.”

Husband: *rolls eyes and shrugs* “I’m sure [Soldier] would like to have a giant bag of those.”

(I feel sorry for my husband, because she’s probably going to send him lots of useless junk alongside the candy. But on the bright side: if she sends him crap that he doesn’t want or need, there are plenty of other soldiers who will appreciate it.)

This Marriage Is Not Dead

, , , , , | Romantic | February 16, 2018

(I’m listening to a movie as I’m sewing. Right as a creature in the movie lets out a blood-curdling scream, I get a video call from my husband. I answer and tell him to hang on a second while I find the remote so that I can turn off the movie. After I’ve turned off the movie, I hold up the phone to apologize and notice my husband’s horrified expression.)

Me: *sheepishly* “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you! The remote was on the other side of the room.”

Husband: *wide-eyed* “What was that god-awful sound?”

Me: “It was one of the creatures on Evil Dead II. I figured since [Son] is asleep I’d watch something that wasn’t a kids’ movie or show.”

Husband: *visibly relieved* “Oh, good. For a minute there, I thought I called you while you were in the middle of murdering someone!” *pause* “For the record, if you had been, I’d have just hung up and called back when it was more convenient.”

Me: *laughs* “You wouldn’t have tried to contact the proper authorities?”

Husband: *scoffs* “No. But I might have given you a few suggestions of who to off next.”

Toddlers Need To Fulfill Their Destiny

, , , , , , , , | Related | January 17, 2018

(My toddler is sitting on the couch next to my husband and is playing with his large Spider-Man and Venom action figures by hitting them together. My husband gets his attention and he stops.)

Husband: “Don’t do that, son, or you’ll break them.”

(Our son suddenly drops Spider-Man on the couch next to him and starts cuddling Venom.)

Son: “Aww, baby! Mwah, mwah!” *kisses Venom’s head then cuddles him more*

Husband: *picks up Spider-Man and holds him out to our son* “What about him? Is he your baby, too?”

(Our son looks at Spider-Man, then at Venom, before snatching Spider-Man from my husband and throwing him on the floor. He then goes back to cuddling Venom and calling him “baby.”)

Husband: *laughs and shakes his head* “He prefers the villain, just like Mommy.”

Me: *cackles* “Good, good. The dark side always needs more people.”

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