An Ugly Identity

, , , | Right | July 31, 2019

(I work at the checkout. You have to show proof of identity when paying by cheque.)

Me: “I need to see your proof of identity.”

Customer: *taking out her ID card* “Okay, but don’t look at the picture; I look bad on it!”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry; I don’t look good on mine, either!”

Customer: “Yes, but it’s not like you’re beautiful in person.”

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Getting Them To Open Their Bags Is Murder

, , , | Legal | March 16, 2019

(In my store, which is inside a small shopping mall, there has been an increase in theft. The management tells us to ALWAYS ask to open the bags as they come through the checkouts. At one point, a young man walks by a cash register with a backpack.)

Cashier: “Hello, you can open your bag, please?”

Young Guy: *angry* “Why? I don’t want to open it!”

Cashier: “Sorry, it’s now an obligation.”

Young Guy: “But I didn’t steal anything, b****!”

(He looks like he’s ready to hit her. Out of fear, the cashier calls mall security.)

Mall Security Guard: “She asked you to open your bag. That’s the rule.”

(He opens it.)

Young Guy: “There is a bottle, but I already had it when I entered! I introduced it at the reception!”

(The security guard is looking, indeed, at the label that the reception puts on the things customers have on them at the entrance of the store.)

Young Guy: “I knew I would be accused of stealing it if I showed it!”

Mall Security Guard: “No, with this label, there would have been no problem!”

Young Guy: “That’s right!” *he turns to the cashier* “Anyway, I’ll come back. If you ever finish at 7:00, I’ll kill you!”

(The store manager arrives at the checkout in the meantime. The young person pays for his shopping by card and leaves.)

Store Manager: “He paid by card; we have his name. If you want, you can go file a death threat complaint. We’ll cover for you.”

(Too bad he won’t have any trouble for theft since he didn’t steal anything, but he’ll get in trouble for death threats!)

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That’s Not How Tanning Works

, , , | Right | November 4, 2018

(I go back to the supermarket where I work after a two-week vacation. A creepy regular is at my register:)

Regular: “It’s been a long time.”

Me: “Yes, I was on vacation.”

Regular: “On vacation? But you didn’t tan?”

Me: “I’m red-haired! I’m not easily tanned.”

Regular: “Twaddles! If you took off your clothes, you would tan!”

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What’s Latin For “Overthinking It”?

, , , , , | Learning | August 17, 2018

(I overhear two students talking.)

Student #1: “During my school trip in Italy–”

Student #2: *interrupting* “In Italy? Did you study Latin in middle school or high school?”

Student #1: “Neither.”

Student #2: “But how you can have the right to participate at a school trip in Italy without studying Latin?!”

Student #1: “Because I studied Italian.”

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A Sickening Amount Of World Music

, , , , | Working | July 11, 2018

(I work in a supermarket. On the 21st of June, I get a call from my store manager.)

Store Manager: “Can you replace [Coworker #2] tomorrow morning?”

Me: “She called to say that she will be absent?”

Store Manager: “No, but it’s World Music Day tonight, and she is always absent the day after, and always with a doctor’s certificate.”

(She called in on the 22nd of June.)

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