Best. Grandpa. Ever.

, , , , | Right | November 20, 2009

(I work at a small grocery store owned by my grandpa. It’s in the middle of summer and a customer wearing a thick jacket comes in.)

Customer: “Can I get some cigarettes?”

Grandpa: “Excuse me, would you mind opening your jacket up?”

Customer: “No, why would I do that!”

Grandpa: “Sir, I saw you take that beer. Give it back and we won’t press charges.”

Customer: “That’s crazy, I didn’t take anything!”

Grandpa: “Sir, I–”

(The customer seems like he is about to run, and my grandpa grabs his arm. The customer tries to shove him away, but in the process he opens his coat and reveals the stolen goods.)

Customer: “GET OFF!”

(My grandpa grabs his balls, and begins squeezing them.)

Grandpa: “Just put the beer down, and I won’t pop them!”

(He put the beer down.)

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Let Me Transfer You To Our Fraud Department

, , | Right | September 25, 2009

Customer: “I need you to send me a return label for this lamp. I just opened it and I don’t like it.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we do not pay for return shipping, ma’am, but you are more than welcome to send it back to us.”

Customer: “Well, that is just unethical. I know you’ve sent me a return label before.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it is our company policy that we do not pay for return shipping unless an item is damaged or defective.”

Customer: “Well, it can be!”

 

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Hard Drugs And Harder Pharmacists

, , , , , | Right | July 31, 2009

(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Give me all the f****** medicine!”

(The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)

Me: “The pharmacy is in the back of the store.”

Customer: “Oh… okay.”

(He holsters the airsoft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)

Manager: “Who was that?”

Me: “Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy.”

Manager: “Why didn’t you call the police?”

(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store, out of the front door, followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35-year-old boxer built like a fridge.)

Me: “Doug started working today.”

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Negative Tree-inforcement

, , , , | Right | July 15, 2009

(A customer comes up with a 40-pound tree teetering on the edge of her flatbed cart.)

Customer: “This tree sure is wobbly!”

Me: “Just be careful with it, ma’am. Don’t let it fall.”

(As I lean down to scan several other smaller plants, the customer lets go of the tree and it hits me on the head.)

Me: “Ouch!”

Customer: “You should improve your attitude. You haven’t smiled once this whole time!”

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Small Talk In The Big House

, , , | Right | May 28, 2009

(While working the overnight shift alone, a single customer walks into the store and walks to my register.)

Customer: “What would you do if I robbed you?”

Me: “…I’d call the cops.”

Customer: “What about if I had a knife to your throat?”

Me: “Do you really think those are good questions to be asking me?”

Customer: “Okay, let’s just say I have a gun in your face.”

Me: “Get out. Now.”

Customer: “Sheesh, I was just trying to have a friendly conversation with you…” *leaves*

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