Fighting For Three

, , , , , , | Right | May 23, 2016

(I’m eight months pregnant with twins and am massive. My weight has gone up to 13st and my belly is stretched beyond belief. I’m with my eldest daughter getting the last minute shopping as I’m being induced in a fortnight. I can’t move very fast and am having terrible mood swings. I’m pushing the trolley and my daughter is doing all the running around for me.)

Me: “Okay, nearly done. I need a rest.”

(I feel a trolley pushing in to me from the back and turn to see an elderly man.)

Customer: “C’mon, fatty, get out of my way.”

Me: “Excuse me!”

Customer: “You heard. You should be ashamed of yourself. Making her do all the work just ’cause you’re too lazy to bother.”

Me: “Um, I’m pregnant, not fat and lazy. And please don’t push your trolley into me.”

Customer: “I’ll do as I see fit. I’m 70 years old and can still get my own shopping. I didn’t fight in the war just to watch fat slobs like you work your kids to the bone.”

(He then pushes the trolley into my thigh and hip.)

Me: “That’s it! Listen to me you miserable old b******. First of all, if you’re 70 you didn’t fight in any war. WWII ended in 1945; you would’ve been a baby. Secondly, I am obviously heavily pregnant and my daughter is helping as I can’t reach up or bend down. Thirdly, if you ram me with that trolley again I will do it back to you. Just because you’re old it doesn’t give you the right to be an a**-hole!”

Customer: “How dare you talk to me like that! I fought in the war; I could have died for our country!”

(He tried to push my trolley into me, but my daughter moved it. I’d had enough by then and decided to do it back to him. I pushed his trolley into him as he was holding onto it and backed him up to a display and trapped him there. Several people stop to look.)

Me: “Come on, then, you cantankerous old f***er! Not so tough now that the whole shop can see you. Still want to yell at the pregnant lady for being fat and lazy? Still want to ram a trolley into me while I’m carrying twins? I didn’t think so. See, I know you didn’t fight in a war. You’re a miserable, lonely old coward who can only feel better about themselves when they’re making others feel bad. Didn’t work on me, did it? What’s wrong, old man? Forgotten all the horrible things you said to me? Nothing mean to say now that I’m not some meek little woman?”

(I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn, still quite angry.)

Security Guard: “Maybe we can let him go now, ma’am. I think he’s been told off enough. My colleague will escort the gentleman out. May I suggest a complimentary drink and cake from our café?”

Me: *as sweet as sugar again* “Ooh, cake. That’s very kind. He was extremely rude.”

Security Guard: “I know, another customer told us and we could see everything on CCTV. How far along are you?”

Me: “I’m being induced in a fortnight. I have two 7lb-ers in here and I’ve had enough.”

Security Guard: “My wife had twins last year. The last trimester was the worst two and a half months of my life and I WAS in a war! I would’ve gladly gone back to Afghanistan to get away from her at times!”

(The elderly man was asked to leave and I and my (very embarrassed) daughter had a lovely piece of cake. And no, I didn’t feel bad about talking to a pensioner that way. Just because you’ve lived a long time, doesn’t mean you can be rude.)

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Tae Kwon Do Or Do Not, There Is No Try

, , , , , | Learning | April 20, 2016

(I help out in Tae Kwon Do classes. In this particular class, it’s one student’s turn at the kicking drills, but he’s playing around. It takes me a moment to get his attention, but finally he comes up to kick.)

Student: “Oh, sorry. I was just choking [Other Student]!”

(I should note that he wasn’t actually threatening the other student, so I kept my response mild.)

Me: “We don’t choke other people, sir.”

Student: “No, I meant I was FORCE choking him!”

Me: “We don’t force choke others, either.”

Student: “No, I mean like in Star Wars!”

Me: “I know what you meant. We still don’t do it here.”

(The boy stares at me in utter astonishment.)

Student: “Wait. You know STAR WARS?!?”

Me: “Yes, but right now we’re kicking. Like this…”

(I demonstrate the kicking drill, which emphasizes maintaining balance.)

Student: “I can’t do that! I’m going to fall!”

Me: “Use the Force to keep your balance… “

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Don’t Be So Quick To Judge The Kick

, | Learning | October 5, 2015

(At the time of this story, I am a red belt in Taekwondo, which is one step away from being a black belt. During this class, a new kid shows up with his dad to try out a few classes before doing any serious investments.)

Teacher: *after warm-ups* “[My Name], pair up with Mr. [New Kid] while we do some kicking drills.”

(I pair up with the kid, and my teacher explains how to do a proper front kick. After a few kicks, I notice the kid is getting sloppy.)

Me: “Hold on. That’s not right. Be sure to re-chamber, and raise your toes so that when you kick, you don’t break them.”

(The kid starts to follow my directions, and by the end of the class, is doing so well with just that one kick, our teacher is impressed. After class, I have to walk home. As soon as I walk out of the building, a man LEAPS out from behind the stairs of the patio and PINS me by the neck against the wall of the building.)

Man: “Why the f*** did you talk to my son like that!?”

(I recognize the man as the kid’s father.)

Me: “W– What…?”

Man: “You have the nerve to tell my son during the class that he was doing a kick wrong, and then you have the f****** nerve to act like you don’t f****** know?!”

(The man is about to punch me, and I’m so scared and dazed that I can’t really defend myself. Before the man even makes it half-way, I see a blur of white, and find my teacher standing with her feet on top of the man’s shoulders, pinning him to the ground.)

Teacher: “One: Do NOT EVER speak to one of my students like that! Two: She was helping improve your son’s kick in class. Three: You have just f***ed with the wrong teacher.”

(The kid from earlier comes from a car and just stares as his dad flails around spitting out curses as my teacher calls the police. The kid acts extremely calm about this, and I wonder what’s going on.)

Me: “Why are you so calm about your dad about to get arrested?”

Kid: “This has happened before. This was his last chance to be nice about it and not try to kill someone about something.”

(The police come in a few minutes, and after reviewing security footage and listening to our testimonies the dad is taken away. The best part? When we appear in court and the kid is asked to the stand, he says this:)

Kid: “My dad was always overprotective. But this was never something he should’ve done in any shape or form. Personally, I think he deserves it.”

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Really Feline The Love

, , | Working | August 30, 2015

(I work in a physical therapy clinic. I am a female chatting with a female coworker about our pet cats.)

Me: “He purrs as loud as a mack-truck. I can literally hear him from the other side of the room.”

Female Coworker: “That’s kind of cute, though.”

Me: “The only time he wants to cuddle is between two and four am. He also snuggles up to me, and lays across my chest with his face in my face. I’m ok with it, until he starts licking my face!”

(A male coworker wanders in, only hearing the part about “him licking my face.”)

Me: “I’m getting kind of tired of it. It’s a really annoying habit of his.”

Male Coworker: “Wait, what are you two talking about? Are you talking about your husband?”

(My female coworker and I burst out laughing.)

Me: “My cat! We’re talking about my cat.” *laughing* “My husband doesn’t lick my face, much less purr. He would also squish me if he laid across my chest.”

Male Coworker: “I wonder if that’s why I couldn’t get any girls to go on a second date with me.” *mimics nuzzling into someone, then sticks out his tongue, pretending to lick someone*

Me: “How did you get your wife to marry you?”

Male Coworker: “Turns out, she’s just as weird as I am.”

Female Coworker: “Well, that conversation just took a turn.”

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A Nice Hot Cup Of Willpower

, | Right | May 5, 2015

(I am the customer/patient in this situation. My husband and I are at a nutritional seminar.)

Doctor: “Every day you get this much will power.” *holds his fingers less than an inch apart* “When that will power is gone, where do you think you get more will power?”

Me: “Coffee!”

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