I work as a fashion photographer. I was contacted by a small local store selling men’s fashion about shooting their new campaign and photos for their online catalog. The client was polite and friendly, but he had absolutely no idea how ridiculous his expectations were.

Client: “We need a few outdoor shots for the campaign — simple elegant shots with three models on a nice outdoor location.”

Me: “Got it. I can schedule that as soon as we’re done here.”

Client: “Now, regarding the online catalog, we will need all items photographed from every angle so you can create a 3D animation for us in Photoshop. We want this shot in front of a green screen so you can then add different special effects, like in the movies. We’re talking about a few hundred items from all angles in the studio and a few dozen images for the campaign. We booked the studio for two and a half hours. That should be more than enough.”

Me: *Completely overwhelmed* “Wha… what? I’m sorry, that’s—”

Client: “We can pay $100 for all the photos, and I guess you can throw in the editing, the 3D animation, and the special effects for free?”

Me: “…”

Client: “Oh, and we don’t want any logos or brand names to be visible on any of the items. We import cheap stuff from abroad, so we don’t want our competition to see which brands we’re selling and copy our ideas. We need you to delete all brand names and logos in Photoshop.”

Before I even had a chance to politely decline the job offer, they asked me for the number of another photographer because I was too expensive and they wanted to get it done for less than a hundred bucks.

I answered an ad looking for event photographers advertising $200 per gig. That’s pretty low for me, but I could use the extra cash here and there, so I emailed them my portfolio.

Client: “We took a look at your work and really liked what we saw here is what we are looking for…” [Sic]

The lack of sentence and paragraph structure in the email was a red flag, but I decided to entertain it anyway.

Me: “Okay, that’s great. So, what is the next step in getting started with you?”

Client: “We have many connections to promoters throughout the city. I will send you to their events to shoot. The only problem is that they don’t pay the photographers, but together, we can change that!”

Me: “So, are you telling me that there is no payment for these events? You advertised $200 per gig. Why would you not just say this was an internship if there wasn’t going to be any payment? I don’t understand. Is this a paying position or isn’t it?”

There was no response to this email initially, so I followed up with them again, a bit annoyed this time.

Client: “Some events will; some won’t. Most of them won’t, but we’re working on changing that.”

Me: “Thank you for wasting my time.”

I got no time for your revolution, man.

I’m a wedding photographer, but a friend from high school asked me to film her wedding after the videographer she booked said he couldn’t make it. I don’t do video much at all, but I didn’t feel like I could say no. She was very sweet about it and said she’d pay well for my trouble.

The wedding itself went fine but the reception less so. My friend’s dad spent nearly all his time micromanaging any step I took.

Client’s Dad: “Hey, make sure you get a good shot of [Client] and the cake, okay?”

Me: “Of course.”

I had been standing RIGHT next to his daughter… as she prepared to cut the cake with her husband. I guess he thought I was just enjoying the view.

Later:

Client’s Dad: “Let me see what you have so far.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Client’s Dad: “Let me check your progress.”

He stood there until I conceded and showed him every clip I had.

Later in the night:

Client’s Dad: “Excuse me, but you’re too close to the dance floor.”

Me: “What?”

Client’s Dad: “You’re getting in all the pictures people are taking of the dance floor. Please move.”

It was almost like I was trying to get PROFESSIONAL FOOTAGE OF THE DANCE FLOOR.  I couldn’t believe this guy.

Finally, the night ended.

A while after the wedding, after I’d sent the bride a download link for the completed video:

Client’s Dad: “Hello, I can’t seem to print your video. Do you have another version of it or something?”

Me: “Do you mean you want to print some stills from the video? I can help you with that.”

Client’s Dad: “No, I want to print all of the video.”

Me: “…I don’t understand what you mean.”

Client’s Dad: “This is why I told [Client] not to book you. You were very unprofessional at the wedding. I’ll never recommend you to anyone after this.”

I didn’t hear from him again, and honestly, I’m okay with that.

I work in a camera store in the early 1990s — the pre-digital camera era. A woman comes in wanting to get some photos developed. She hands me the whole camera. This is not unusual; apparently, a lot of people don’t know how to get the film out after they’re done with a roll. I examine the camera.

Me: “Um… ma’am, there’s no film in here.”

Customer: “That’s okay; I still took the pictures.”

Me: “But there’s no film in the camera.”

Customer: “I know, but I took the pictures anyway, so please get them out.”

Me: “But… you would have to have had film in the camera first.”

Customer: “It doesn’t matter. I pressed the button. There are pictures in there. Please get them out.”

And so on, for quite some time. It ended with the woman storming off, convinced I was incompetent.

Customer: “Hi! So, I was watching CSI and I saw them do this thing with the photos.”

Uh-oh. This is never a good start.

Customer: “They, like, zoomed in and made it all clear.”

Me: “Yeah, the old ‘zoom and enhance’ trick. Just to warn you, those shows are exaggerated; most of the time, you can’t do that in real life.”

Customer: “Yeah, well, I need you to do that for me.”

He produces a polaroid photo.

Customer: “I need you to zoom in on the post-it on the fridge in the background here.”

I take a look at the photo. The post-it itself is barely a blur.

Me: “Sir, I am sorry, but if you’re looking to get any information from what was written on that post-it, you’re not going to do so from this old photo.”

Customer: “D*** it! All the other stores said the same thing. I don’t understand why they can do it on TV but not in the stores!”

The customer’s phone starts ringing, and he answers.

Customer: “Yeah.” *Pauses* “I’m here now and they said they can’t do it, either.” *Pauses* “Yeah, well, I’m sorry, but if you want Aunt Grace’s peach cobbler recipe, then you’re going to have to ask her.” *Pauses* “Yeah, maybe you should apologize about the cat first and then ask her.” *Pauses* “No, I am not calling her; she’s your aunt!” *Pauses* “And because I’m not the one who did that to her cat!”

He wandered off grumbling, and I was left wondering what happened to that poor cat.

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