I’m a portrait photographer. Two college girls asked me to do a very quick session with them so they would have headshots for an audition. It was a bit of a rush, but I managed to schedule them, and we did the shoot a week before they needed them.

The photos were uploaded on Tuesday so they would have plenty of time to choose a photo to print. They just needed to tell me which un-watermarked photos to send them. The first girl picked out her choice the next day.

Me: “When is your friend going to come in?”

Client: “She’s a really bad texter. I’ll get back to you when I hear something.”

I didn’t hear from either of them until Friday. After a few failed attempts to contact the “bad texter,” I wrote her friend.

Me: “Doesn’t your friend need her photo tomorrow?”

Client: “I’ll ask her when I see her.”

The day of the audition came and went. I asked the one I could contact what her friend did for a headshot. It turns out that her friend just printed a photo with a watermark. How professional of her.

I am getting a business degree, and part of my assignment for my business communication class is that I need a headshot so that we can bring it to a resume-building workshop.

I am having a particularly hard day, but I still put on a brave face to get my photo taken.

I am not very photogenic, and the guy is getting nervous. I am getting nervous, too, and it’s a little hard to pull a genuine smile at that point.

The guy taking the photo says under his breath:

Photographer: “Are you even happy?”

I ended up picking the first picture, which was the LEAST terrible. Ouch.

I work for a photography company that specializes in graduation photos, and it is graduation season in these parts, so I’m working hard. We deal with a lot of major universities with hundreds, sometimes thousands of graduates, and it’s up to my department to put the grads’ information into a computer and then send them order forms. The grads, however, can be incredibly stupid.

The university in question is very prestigious and known for its football team. It has a lot of international students, most of whom graduate with honors. Now, our grad cards are not that complex. They have spots for your name, permanent address, parents’ address if it differs, and a checklist describing hair color, ethnicity, etc.

Many people get confused by the address form for some unknown reason. I’ve come to the conclusion that either many graduates cannot see or understand the letter R, so their countries end up being various counties in Michigan, or said counties in Michigan have risen up in rebellion and established themselves as sovereign nations.

But the most hilarious thing came from one of the foreign students. There were three things on this card that didn’t quite add up:

1) Michigan has now been taken over by Jerusalem.

2) Jerusalem is now its own country, having completely separated from Israel.

3) “My parents live on the main street of Jerusalem” is now a valid address.

I would have chalked this up to the language barrier, but entering the rest of her data made me head-desk so hard that I almost knocked myself unconscious. This woman was a Ph.D. student and had lived in the United States for almost ten years. She had a degree in English, having graduated with a minor in ESL.

I have no idea how she messed up that badly.

CONTENT WARNING: Violence

I once managed a photo studio that required a signature anytime portraits were picked up, forcing the customer to acknowledge that they would not try to copy the photos elsewhere.

Pretty basic terms of service, yes? Except, it seems, not for this one guy.

I was already dreading seeing him again, as when he and his partner brought their new-born in for the shoot, I’d had to end the session early and kick him out of my studio after he repeatedly called his partner the worst kind of names because she couldn’t get their seven-day-old to smile on cue, I’d had enough! 

Anyway. He stopped by to pick up his portraits, and I paused the session I was in to hand them to him, rather than have him wait in the crowded area with lots of moms and kids, since I knew he was irrational.

Customer: “Why do I have to sign? I’m refusing!”

He says something something Secret Service FBI 9/11 something something gave him the right to copy his photos.

I did my best to defuse the situation, but he was having none of it, and that’s how I found myself pinned against my studio wall, his hands reaching for my throat, as he threatened to gut me like a deer, put me on the hood of his car, and drive me around town to show everyone what happens when you cross him.

My studio was in a retail store, and one of the clerks finally asks:

Clerk: “Do you think I should call the cops?”

And this is as I am gasping and telling people to call the police! 

Said police arrived. By that time, the retail store manager (not my manager) was there and had contacted my district manager.

Together, they informed me I wasn’t allowed to press charges, and that the disruption was probably my fault. The police begged me to press charges anyway, as this was the fourth time in the last couple of days they’d been called to remove this one customer from various places in town.

My DM stood firm, though, and reminded me that A) I’d get fired if I didn’t make folks sign to pick up photos and B) why did I confront someone over not signing?

So, gentle readers, I quit. A competitor was planning to open a studio, and I gleefully went over there for a bit more money and a lot more autonomy.

The next Christmas season, the same man once again came in for photos, sans partner.

When it came time to review his portrait order, he started to get belligerent with me again, and threatening.

This time, I looked him in the face and said:

Me: “I’m not scared of you. I’ve already called the police on you once and I’ll do it again. If you want portraits from me, you’re going to sit down, shut up, and only open your mouth to politely indicate which ones you’d like to buy. Do you understand me?”

And so he did… and yes, he acknowledged copyright when he picked up that set of photos, too.

Thankfully, I’m long out of retail – this happened twenty years ago – but I’ll never forget my worst customer ever.

I worked in a large retail chain in their portrait studio as a manager. The portrait studio was actually an entirely separate company from the retail chain. I had two occasions where I wasn’t working but customers expected me to deal with them anyway.

The first time, I was doing some shopping before heading home after work. A customer found me in the store, nowhere near the studio.

Customer #1: “I need you to give me my pictures!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the studio closed an hour ago.”

On another occasion, a customer tracked me down in the café.

Customer #2: “Come and take my pictures for me!”

Me: “The studio is closed for lunch right now, ma’am.”

Customer #2: “Where does it say that?!”

I took her over to our six-foot sign and pointed to and read to her where it said, “Closed For Lunch 2:00 pm to 3:00 pm.”

I then walked away and finished my lunch.